We took a break in our relationship, but I don’t know if I want to get back together
Question:
Dear Mr Hamilton,
I hope this finds you well.
I read an article from your website titled “Can a couple who committed fornication manage to have a good marriage?” It was wonderful and answered many of my questions because my scenario is similar to the one narrated in the article. The difference is in what happened after the sin was committed.
My beloved and I are both Christians, and I would say really committed ones. However, along our dating journey, we fell into fornication. Afterward, my boyfriend suggested that we take a break from the relationship and first individually reconcile with God and overcome the sin. I didn’t think it was such a bad idea, but I felt it wasn’t the best way to move forward, so I agreed. The break is until next year. But as the break continued, the guilt of sin overwhelmed me, coupled with other challenges that I am facing in my life, and I felt it would be better if he and I talked to somebody and confessed to the person, repented together, and prayed about it. We also needed to create boundaries, like never meeting physically but remaining supportive of each other during this time. But when I tried to reach out to him, he said he felt guilty and wanted to be left alone. It hurt me because I felt like this is when we need to be there for one another if we really love each other.
I am feeling very unhappy and betrayed. I don’t know if we will have a relationship after this break because I don’t feel like we will have a good relationship or a happy marriage. The worst of all, he doesn’t even want to talk about the relationship or how we can reconcile. I feel like giving up. I feel like we may never end up together.
Please advise me on what I can do because I am emotionally weighed down.
Thank you.
Answer:
When self-control is lost, it feels like you are on a runaway train with no brakes. Therefore, people frequently decide to jump off the train and tell themselves that after the train coasts to a stop, then they will get back on. But there are several problems:
- The problem was not addressed. Sure, the sin was stopped, but nothing was done about building up proper self-control.
- The relationship has died down. Yes, the desire faded, but that is partly because there is no longer a relationship to grow.
If I had to guess, your boyfriend is depressed. He is beating himself up for his failure. He doesn't trust himself. He is afraid to continue the relationship because he thinks it will happen again. I would not be surprised if he is waiting for the guilt to stop, but it won't. People assume that they are not forgiven unless they no longer feel guilt. But that would mean your memories of what you did are erased, and that is not going to happen. Guilt serves a useful purpose. It keeps us from repeating our mistakes.
I don't know when your boyfriend is going to come out of his depression. Talking to someone would help (James 5:16). If he won't talk to you, encourage him to talk to a man he can trust to give him solid biblical advice.
Can the mess the two of you made of your lives be fixed? Absolutely! But you are already talking about not wanting to put in the effort, and I don't know when he will come out of his depression and decide to be a man again. You'll have to make up your mind if you want to wait for him or not. It is a decision that I cannot make for you.
Question:
Thank you very much, Mr. Hamilton. Your response has greatly encouraged me. However, I have a few questions I would like to ask.
What can one do to build proper self-control? How can we fix the mess we have done?
Thank you again for your time and response. Your word of wisdom blesses me.
Answer:
First, this problem cannot be fixed unless both of you are working on repairing the problem. If you put in all the effort, but he does nothing, there really is no relationship. You'll exhaust yourself, and he won't notice. Similarly, if one of you works on establishing boundaries and the other is focused on trying to find weak points, you'll lapse back into sin again.
"Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart" (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12).
Everyone has weak moments. If both of you are working hard to avoid sin, then hopefully, your weak moments will not align with his weak moments. But Solomon points out that having a third cord involved is even better.
When you are together, always have other people around who can see you. Meet in public places. Don't go to each other's homes unless other people are there. Even then, don't go off to private areas.
When you communicate, don't talk about sexual topics (Ephesians 5:3-5). Don't wear "sexy" clothing. You aim to get to know each other as people to see if you want to spend the rest of your lives together as marriage companions. You are not trying to get the other person to lust after you.
Fill up your time with righteous things. Do give yourselves idle time where you will be tempted to entertain yourselves with inappropriate behavior. Make it a point that when you get together, spend a small portion of your time focused on God. Read a chapter from the Bible together. Pray together. These will remind you that you are in this world to serve God and not yourselves (Ecclesiastes 12:13-14).
Finally, don't ever think you have the problem of lust conquered. "Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall" (I Corinthians 10:12). Always be on your guard.
