Do I leave my alcoholic husband?
Question:
Hello,
I have been reading and following your website for several years and found it very helpful and edifying. I am writing to you for some scriptural guidance on my marriage.
I have been married to my husband for many years. I am a member of the church, but he is not. As with any other marriage, we have had many years of ups and downs. However, the issue of his drinking has been one of the deeper-rooted problems in our relationship from the start. Usually, late at night (when he's been drinking), we'll have a simple discussion, which will then turn into a disagreement. Eventually, the communication will deteriorate into bitter verbal abuse from him. There have been times when it has come close to being physical, but not quite. Most times I try to keep my composure and behave as God would expect a Christian wife to and other times, I have fallen short and sinned by engaging him in these wretched arguments. Tonight, we had yet another horrible argument, and I'm quite certain the children heard the way he spoke to me as I had just put them to bed.
I am feeling the weight of this burden quite heavily. Without going into much more length, it would be an understatement to say that I've made every attempt to solve these problems. He's not interested in counseling or rehab and attempts at communication after these arguments may seem fruitful initially, but later the same thing happens. He's continuously making excuses for why he needs alcohol in his life.
I've been wanting to propose separation to him, but I Corinthians 7:13 always gives me pause, as it asks the Christian wife to not depart from the un-believer if he is willing to live with her. Thus far, despite his behavior and the fact that we are sometimes miserable, he's never asked to part ways with me. However, this same toxic pattern of just moving on until the inevitable next argument continues because he's not interested in solving the root issues. I have also pointed out and talked to him about this pattern to no avail. I want to separate in hopes that my absence will prompt future reconciliation by showing him where this behavior has gotten him. I am just at a loss of what else to do, but I don't want to separate if it's sinful for me to do so. Does the word "depart" in this verse mean the act of divorcing, or does it also cover separation?
Any guidance on this topic would be most appreciated.
Answer:
Everything I've read about biblical times indicates that they didn't have legal separations. I'm sure couples separated but the separated state didn't have legal standing in the courts. The terms used in the Scriptures are broad enough to cover formal divorces and informal separations.
The general rule is that a married couple is in a covenant relationship. The husband and the wife work together to ensure the marriage's success. If one party struggles, the other is there to make the difference. Thus, Paul's statements are as follows: "The wife should not leave her husband" and "The husband should not divorce his wife" (I Corinthians 7:10-11).
Unfortunately, because people are involved, the wife or the husband may decide they cannot safely remain in the same house. They should not leave, but if they do, they must remain unmarried or be reconciled (I Corinthians 7:10-11). I Corinthians 7:13 states that Christians are not to separate from non-believers just because they can't agree on religion. If the non-believer decides not to honor the marriage, then the believer should not feel he or she is a slave who is obligated to make the marriage work no matter what (such as giving up their Christian beliefs).
It appears that your husband is the type who gets belligerent when he is drunk. However, you are not making the situation better by picking on him or verbally sparing with him when he is in that state. Remember, "God has called us to peace" (I Corinthians 7:15). You and I agree that his drinking is not good. He knows your thoughts on the matter. Strive to keep peace without being pulled in.
I can't make the decision whether his drunkenness warrants you separating from him. That is a choice only you can make, but realize that it won't be an ideal situation. It won't allow you to marry again (until he passes away). It might force him to consider how heavily he is drinking, but he could just as easily become worse out of sorrow or stubbornness.
