Do I have enough faith?
Question:
Hello Mr. Hamilton,
I am writing to you because I have been researching OCD a lot, and I see that you address a lot of OCD-related issues. I know I have OCD, although I have never been formally diagnosed. I deal with unwanted thoughts, thoughts I feel like I want, urges, sensations, and feelings, as well as depersonalization as a result of constantly being in my head. The doubts are about what I believe about anything, especially God. I just obsess about everything. I struggle with all the possible themes of OCD you can think of. It's hard because I can't differentiate if it's just a thought or what I feel and believe.
For instance, when I read the Bible, my brain goes, is this true? Do I believe it, do I believe, etc? And it makes it hard to determine if that is me or the OCD. Because I know OCD makes you doubt everything. I try my hardest just to believe and let go of my doubts, but it is a struggle I deal with. I don't know if it's because I feel a certain way, and then I assume I don't believe at all. But the next day I might do some researching and something might help for the moment, but then it will go away. It makes it hard to determine my beliefs when I have so many doubts.
Although I haven't grown up in the Church of Christ, I have a friend who has talked to me about it. I know there are steps you have to take for salvation. One of those is repentance. For me, the problem comes in because I have a lot of doubts feeling like I don't know if I believe, trying so hard every day, researching all day long to try and find something that sparks that feeling, but it makes me wonder if I have real faith. Then, after a while of having all kinds of obsessive thoughts, I start feeling numb about the thoughts, like I don't care, and it makes me wonder how I am supposed to repent. I know the bible talks about having Godly sorrow in II Corinthians 7:10, and I feel like I don't know how to have that with sometimes feeling numb. I think it's from the OCD and thinking all the time. I sometimes struggle with seeing my sin. I don't know if it's because I spend all day thinking about the same things and expecting a different result.
This makes me feel bad when I say I don't know if I see my sin because I know we all sin. And since I know I sin, I don't want to be calling God a liar because I don't feel like I see my sin. I don't know if I am making this way harder than it needs to be. I went through a long time believing that my heart was so hard and that I would never be able to repent, but it seems it has a lot to do with OCD because I was going through a numb season.
It scares me because I know that people can get to the point where they don't see their sin, and it becomes unforgivable because they won't repent. Am I being too hard on myself? Am I not being hard enough on myself? I hope I am not too far gone to see what I did wrong. I have been told before that I am way too hard on myself. I also struggle with confessing my faith in Jesus because all the thoughts make me wonder what I believe and feel.
Then there is baptism, and that scares me. I haven't been baptized because I have always wondered if I believed I had enough faith and if I was doing it for the right reasons. I know I need to be baptized, but I worry that I don't have faith. Then that makes me concerned that I will never get baptized, and then I will commit the unforgivable sin because I never committed to Jesus. I don't know what to do. My parents tell me they know that I believe, but the thought of getting baptized makes me feel like a fraud like I was just "getting wet." Then I get thoughts like do I want this at all and I think that is an OCD thought.
I'm sorry this is so long. I wanted to express everything that has been in my heart for a long time. Please help me! I see other people have the faith I want, and I keep thinking, how come they make it look so easy? Why don't I have enough faith? Do you think I have any faith at all? Am I a lost cause? I am always uncertain, wondering if I believe at all, whether I believe enough, whether I believe what the Bible says, whether I trust in the resurrection, etc. And then I start getting thoughts like, am I an atheist? Then I start believing that what if I am, but then I think, no, you wouldn't worry about any of this. You wouldn't even be writing this email if you weren't concerned.
Another topic I want to bring up is the red heifer and the third temple. I have seen this discussed a lot here lately, and I couldn't find anything discussing these subjects. I see that people are saying that the red heifer is needed because Jews hate Jesus, so they need a sacrifice, and that the temple has to happen because of bible prophecy. What are your thoughts?
Finally, a topic I want to bring up is Romans 14:23. As I have mentioned, I deal with many doubts. So how can I know whether something is wrong or a sin if I doubt a lot? Do the things I like, like skincare and beauty, fall under what this verse says? Because I wonder to myself if it is wrong. Then I wonder if it's not a legalistic mindset and if I am being hard on myself. I hope there is nothing wrong with this stuff because I have considered making a career out of doing something beauty-related. Can you help me understand what this verse refers to so I don't keep thinking all my doubts fall under this verse?
Again, I am sorry for how long this email is. I just had so much to say. Please be gentle with me. It took me a lot of time to write this, and I'm scared of your response.
Thanks for your time.
Answer:
A core problem is that you are basing your conviction on feelings. Faith is not a feeling. See:
- I have trouble at times believing God is real
- Distinguishing Faith and Feelings
- Does faith mean you never doubt?
Regarding the temple and red heifers, people ignore what the Bible states and chase after their fantasies (see the material above about feelings). The temple was destroyed, just as God had predicted. There is no prophecy of its restoration because Judaism came to a close. See:
By the way, the temple destroyed at the fall of Jerusalem was the third temple. See:
Regarding Romans 14:23, see:
Question:
Thank you for your response. It's still hard to know that it is my feelings when thoughts seem so real. Because, like I told you, I wonder if I believe in the Bible. I read that article you gave me, and that person said they believed in the Bible. That scares me. It makes me wonder if I am agnostic or atheist. Based on what I have said, do you think I am an atheist? I hope you tell me I'm not. All of this gives me severe anxiety because I want it so bad. But then I wonder what I believe. I know I shouldn't ruminate on these thoughts, and through my research on OCD, I know you are supposed to disregard them. But it makes it hard, especially with this subject and my faith. It doesn't make sense because I get discouraged when I see people have the faith I want and try to have. But then I get all kinds of conflicting thoughts. I'm just so uncertain.
Plus, I still struggle with repentance and baptism. Is repentance a feeling? Are you supposed to feel bad? What if you don't? What if you feel like you don't see your sin? I feel numb a lot because of having OCD and constantly thinking about something. Does that mean that I don't feel anything about my sins? For instance, I John 1:8 says that if you say you have not sinned, the truth isn't in you. Well, I don't know if it's because of constantly being in my head that I feel I have become numb to my sin or that I just don't see it.
I know I have much of this in my previous email; I just didn't see you address my points about repentance or baptism. So, I put it down here again. And what about baptism? Should I just get baptized despite my feelings of doubt? For me, the problem comes in because I have a lot of doubts, feeling like I don't know if I believe, trying so hard every day, researching all day long to try and find something that sparks that feeling, but it makes me wonder if I have genuine faith. Then, after a while of having all kinds of obsessive thoughts, I start feeling numb about the thoughts, like I don't care, and it makes me wonder how I am supposed to repent. I know the Bible talks about having Godly sorrow in II Corinthians 7:10, and I feel like I don't know how to have that, and I sometimes feel numb. I think it's from the OCD and thinking all the time.
I sometimes struggle with seeing my sin. I don't know if it's because I spend all day thinking about the same things and expecting a different result. This makes me feel bad when I say I don't know if I see my sin because I know we all sin. And since I know I sin, I don't want to be calling God a liar because I don't feel like I see my sin. I don't know if I am making this way harder than it needs to be. I went through a long time believing that my heart was so hard and that I would never be able to repent, but it seems it has a lot to do with OCD because I was going through a numb season. It scares me because I know that people can get to the point where they don't see their sin, and it becomes unforgivable because they won't repent.
Am I being too hard on myself? Am I not being hard enough on myself? I hope I am not too far gone to see what I did wrong. I have been told before that I am way too hard on myself. I also struggle with confessing my faith in Jesus because all the thoughts make me wonder what I believe and feel.
Then there is baptism, and that scares me. I haven't been baptized because I have always wondered if I believed I had enough faith and if I was doing it for the right reasons. I know in my heart that I need to be baptized, but I worry I don't have faith. Then that makes me concerned that I will never get baptized, and then I will commit the unforgivable sin because I never committed to Jesus. I don't know what to do. My parents tell me they know that I believe, but the thought of getting baptized makes me feel like a fraud like I was just "getting wet." Then I get thoughts like do I want this at all and I think that is an OCD thought.
I'm sorry this is so long. I wanted to express everything that has been in my heart for a long time. Please help me! I see other people have the faith I want, and I keep thinking, how come they make it look so easy? Why don't I have enough faith? Do you think I have any faith at all? Am I a lost cause? I have uncertainty all the time, wondering if I believe at all, whether I believe enough, whether I believe what the bible says, whether I trust in the resurrection, etc. And then I start getting thoughts like, am I an atheist? Then I start believing that what if I am, but then I think, no, you wouldn't worry about any of this. You wouldn't even be writing this email if you weren't concerned.
Thanks for your time.
Answer:
Atheist means you do not believe in any God. That is not you. Agnostic means you don't think there is any evidence of a God. Again, that doesn't describe you.
It remains that you trust your wavering feelings more than what God says in the Bible. Faith simply means you trust what God said. It is not a feeling; it is how you live your life.
Repentance can be motivated by sorrow, but repentance is not a feeling. It is the decision to change your life. See:
Regarding I John 1:8, this is about someone who thinks they have not committed sin. I don't think this applies to you.
In regards to baptism, you do have to be baptized. That baptism is based on trusting Jesus and the Father (that you have faith). It is also based on your repentance, which means you admit that you've sinned and are now committed to not sinning. Whether a person is baptized or not is not measured in the amount of faith you have but whether you are willing to submit to the command of Jesus. See:
Question:
Thank you so much for your email. It means a lot to me that you say I am neither agnostic nor atheist. I try hard to believe that. What you said means a lot to me. It still worries me that I am and that I explained my thoughts wrong. I don't want to be.
A question I have is about repentance. You said repentance is a decision to change your life. It can be motivated by sorrow, but it is not a feeling. So does that mean you are doing it wrong if you don't feel anything? What if you don't know what you should repent of?
I don't want to commit the unforgivable sin. What exactly is the unforgivable sin? Because I have had bad thoughts about God and wondered if I have believed it. Does it mean if you struggle with doubt? Or is it when you don't repent? Do you always know what you should repent of? What if there was something you didn't realize you should repent of? Is struggling to believe unforgivable? Would my form of repentance be being baptized because I haven't done that because of worrying? I was just going through the motions, so to speak.
Thank you for being so encouraging with your responses.
Thanks for your time.
Answer:
One of the things that makes it difficult to answer you is that your worries cause you to ignore what I point out. It isn't that your questions were not answered. It is that you don't accept the answers given.
"For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death. For behold what earnestness this very thing, this godly sorrow, has produced in you: what vindication of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what avenging of wrong! In everything you demonstrated yourselves to be innocent in the matter" (II Corinthians 7:10-11).
Either you know you have sinned, or you don't believe you've done anything wrong. What I've noticed in your notes is that you expect to feel bad, but you are not convicted of doing anything particularly wrong. You know, in theory, that everyone sins, but you don't recognize that sin in you. Until you reach the point that you can name the things that you've done wrong, you have not learned enough and are not ready to be baptized.
I answered the question about the unforgivable sin in the article Are You Unforgivable? Your repeated questions tell me that you either did not read it or it didn't register with you because it isn't what you want to hear. Your questions about doubt were answered in Does faith mean you never doubt?
Question:
I'm so sorry for all my replies. I don't mean to bother you. You are the only preacher that I have seen who is a member of the church of Christ and also addresses all of these issues, especially concerning OCD. I don't mean to be a bother. I appreciate your guidance. I guess the whole repentance topic is confusing to me. I have read all the articles you have sent, but I am still having a hard time. I don't want you to think that I keep asking questions because it's not what I want to hear. It is because I wonder "What if I'm not convicted? How do I know I ever will be?" In one of my emails, I worried that maybe I was just like the verse in I John 1:8, and then you told me that you didn't think that was me. Then, in your most recent email, you told me that,
"Either you know you have sinned, or you don't believe you've done anything wrong. What I've noticed in your notes is that you expect to feel bad, but you are not convicted of doing anything particularly wrong. You know, in theory, that everyone sins, but you don't recognize that sin in you. Until you reach the point that you can name the things that you've done wrong, you have not learned enough and are not ready to be baptized."
So I guess my question is how do you become convicted of your sins? If it is the case that I might not be convicted. How do I fix that? I don't want to become to far gone to see my sins.
I don't understand because in my first email to you, I said that I was worried because I thought I might be numb to sin, and I referenced II Corinthians 7:10-11.
This is an excerpt from my first email:
"For me, the problem comes in because I have a lot of doubts, feeling like I don't know if I believe, trying so hard every day, researching all day long to try and find something that sparks that feeling, but it makes me wonder if I have real faith. Then, after a while of having all kinds of obsessive thoughts, I start feeling numb about the thoughts, like I don't care, and it makes me wonder how I am supposed to repent. I know the Bible talks about having godly sorrow in II Corinthians 7:10, and I feel like I don't know how to have that with sometimes feeling numb. I think it's from the OCD and thinking all the time. I sometimes struggle with seeing my sin. I don't know if it's because I spend all day thinking about the same things and expecting a different result. This makes me feel bad when I say that I don't know if I see my sin because I know we all sin. And since I know I sin I don't won't to be calling God a liar because I don't feel like I see my sin."
So what am I supposed to do? Do I just keep waiting and hope that I see things differently?
I try incredibly hard, but it doesn't seem like I am doing things right. I don't know what to do. I'm completely discouraged because I don't know where to go. The idea of not being convicted of my sin scares me. Please give me advice on what I am supposed to do. I feel sick to my stomach, I thought I was getting closer to being baptized. Again, sorry to be replying so many times.
Thanks for your time,
Answer:
I don't mind extended conversations when progress is made, but you have remained on the same points. Even though your questions have been answered, you return to them. Like many people with OCD, you use vagueness to cycle. You talk about not understanding repentance but never mention the sins you struggle with. This left me with the impression that you are trying to force yourself into sorrow, and at the same time, you have nothing you feel sorrowful about. That is why I mentioned that you are not convicted that you have sinned. If you were, then there would be specific sins that you would be talking about as having difficulty overcoming. Or specific sins that you know you did, which you want God to forgive you for committing. Repentance is about leaving sin. Thus, you first have to know what sins you have committed so that you can stop committing them.
Repeatedly asking the same questions will not give you different answers. Instead of wallowing in generalities, express yourself in specific terms.
