When I was in my thirties and no man would marry me, I had twins by sperm donation. There wasn't any sexual sin involved in the conception, if that matters. I personally don't think it does, but you would know better than me.
Anyway, I know that isn't what the Bible says is the unpardonable sin, but I feel like God will never forgive me for that. My son is severely autistic, violent with me and caregivers, and acts more animal than human most of the time.
I work 80+ hours a week at a horribly stressful job that sends me home in tears more often than not, and I still don't make enough money to support us. I only do this job because the three of us need the money, it is not a job or career that I want, and I really want to be a stay-at-home mom with a husband. That's all I ever wanted.
We live without heat in the winter, and I only eat one meal a day, so the kids can have food. All our clothes and shoes are too small and have holes in them because we can't afford to replace anything. And even with that, we're living paycheck to paycheck and depending on my parents for emergency medical expenses and things like that. It's a matter of time before we're homeless.
I think about suicide constantly. I don't have any friends and can't even think about marriage because with those work hours and my son behaving like that, who would want to marry me? Especially when no one did before? I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone.
I joined a new church a year and a half ago and just told them I was widowed, even though it wasn't true, because I knew they'd reject me if I told them the truth. The only joy I have in my week is the hour or so I spend in service singing to the Lord with other people and pretending and hoping against hope He still loves me, even though all the evidence says He threw me away long ago. But really I feel like God has already rejected me.
I've asked Him, begged Him, for forgiveness so many times but there's only silence. I love my daughter more than anything in the world and she's the only reason I haven't committed suicide yet, but I still feel like her birth was wrong and a sin against God. I feel like He will never forgive me and has condemned me to live in Hell now in this world and probably in the next for going against His will that I wasn't fit to be a mother. I feel like the only reason this isn't listed as the unpardonable sin in the Bible is because it was written at time when single mother sperm donation wasn't a possibility.
I don't know why I'm writing to you. I don't expect you to answer. Maybe I am an example to other women. If God doesn't give you a husband then you aren't supposed to be a mother. Don't go against His will. I'm sorry.
Thank you for reading.
What you tried to do was circumvent God's order. You wanted children, but gave up trying to find a husband, so you took matters into your own hands. It didn't work out as you planned because being a mother without a father is a hard life. Your son just adds to the difficult because he was born with autism and because of your financial situation, you can't afford the help that he needs to learn to cope with autism.
But you are making a mistake assuming that these hardships are due to God punishing you. Yes, you are having difficulty, but that is because you took a path that God warned against. While they did not have artificial insemination back in the Bible days, your circumstance is no different than a woman who decides to get pregnant by some guy she doesn't want to marry. The mistake was made and the consequences have come about, but that doesn't mean you need to continue beating yourself up for a bad choice that you made years ago. You can't undo that choice, but you can move forward in godliness.
Suicide is clearly not the answer. While you are seeking an escape, murdering yourself won't bring you happiness; it would just send you to eternal punishment. Nor will it make your children's lives better.
Telling lies about your past also doesn't help. You could have just said you were a single mother. There are, unfortunately, many women in the same situation for a variety of reasons. If someone asks about the father, you just have to say, "He's never been a part of our lives." These are true statements that don't require details. The reason you told people you are a widow is due to pride and a desire to have the sympathy of others. You have enough real struggles without throwing imaginary ones into the mix.
I don't know what you are expecting from God. He promised forgiveness to His people (Acts 2:38; I John 1:9). God never breaks His word. It does not require communication or a sign from God to know that you are saved.
If you are not making enough to cover your expenses, then go apply for assistance from your local county. Let people know that you are having financial problems, so that they will know what you need. Again, don't let your personal pride get in the way of accepting help from others. Allow them to do their duty as Christians.