I am 34 years old. I grew up in a Christian home and have always tried to follow the right path. I have failed God on many occasions and feel as if I have been forgiven for those wrongs.
I was married right after high school and had a child a year later. After six years of marriage my husband told me he wanted a divorce. He was having relationships while we were married with men. I guess this is where I went spiraling out of control and instead of leaning on God, I blamed Him. I blamed Him for a marriage that didn't work out, for a child who would now have to grow up in a broken home, and for the ultimate hurt as a woman to feel like I would never be enough for my child or in a relationship with anyone. I feel as if this is where I started rebelling if you would. I started going out and drinking to feel like I was worth something. I had to be wanted by a man.
Needless to say that is not where it stopped. I have sinned sexually on many occasions. This lasted for quite some time and then I entered into another relationship, where we were planning on getting married and yet again I found myself at a crossroad. At some point I was told that I had a tumor and that if I wanted to have any more children I should do it now because I might not get another chance. So we did. We never did get married and he has moved on now, leaving me a single mother of two.
Again I felt betrayed by God, knowing all along it was me that betrayed Him. I have surrendered myself to him and have continued rebuilding myself in His light. I felt like I was making progress, and that God sent me someone in my life to help me with my journey. He is a Christian and is recently divorced himself with two children. I was completely honest up front and told him about all my indiscretion. Everything seemed to be going great, until he started questioning my past. Now I find myself questioning everything all over again. I felt as though I had been forgiven by God and now I feel like I'm on trial for something that I cannot change. We recently started going to church together and I feel like I've done everything I know to bring him peace and help him see the present me, not the past me but nothing seems to be working. I love him and his children and we plan on getting married, but I do not want to do that with this still lingering in his mind.
Any suggestions on what I can do or we can do together such as counseling or something. I want this relationship to last forever and for us and our children to thrive and grow together. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
You have the right to marry again since your divorce was because of your husband's fornication. What you did in response was completely foolish and I'm glad you've come to realize your sins.
In regards to your current boyfriend, I'm assuming that he too has a right to a second marriage.
You can't undo the past. I tell people that they need to be honest about the fact that they've sinned, but they should not tell their future spouse all the sordid details. Your boyfriend needs to know that you've sinned sexually and that you have had a problem with alcohol. He needs to know what kind of problems might arise in the future and whether he is prepared to handle those problems. However, he never needed to know how many guys or what happened. Curiosity is natural, but digging into these things can only lead to jealousy. "My brethren, if any among you strays from the truth and one turns him back, let him know that he who turns a sinner from the error of his way will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins" (James 5:19-20). The last phrase means that forgiven sins are buried and not brought up again.
Yes, pre-marriage counseling would be good for both of you. Neither of you made good choices in the past in relationships, so getting a better start will help.