I know I need to change, but I just can't leave my boyfriend


Hello. God bless you. I really need advice, help, or answer.

I am a pastor's daughter. I have been raised in a church my entire life. As many know just because you are brought up in a church does not mean we are perfect or will do all of the correct things. I have fallen so many times, and right now I think way too many times! I really do need something or someone to help me.

I have been dating this boy for about two years now. We met in high school and when we first met I was in love with the church. I loved going and praising God. I know we should not date an uneven yoke, but I thought I was strong enough and knew how to stand my ground, so we started dating. I started cussing, smoking, drinking, and eventually having sex with him. He is my first intimate partner, and I honestly do love him.

He started coming to church, which he never did before. He wasn't into church or raised in one. I believe to this day that God put him in my life for the simple fact that I was in at a stage of depression and suicidal thoughts. When it came to that point he showed up and stopped me every time.

Now my boyfriend and I became very comfortable with each other -- a little too comfortable! We started having sex more and more, whenever or wherever we had the chance. Eventually we had sex in the church bathroom.

I don't know what to do anymore, but I do know I need to make a change -- we both know that. I don't want to leave him because I love him so much, and I know how much it would devastate both of us. I just need a guiding hand. I need advice on what to do from here, step by step because I honestly and truly do not know. I now find no interest in reading the Bible or talking about God, but I know that He's around the corner and I need to be getting prepared, but I don't know how to get back on my feet!

Please help me! Please tell me what I can do!


No situation is beyond repairing, but only if both of you are willing to make some radical changes in your lives. You know you can't continue the way you are going and enter heaven. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10). While I suspect that you might be willing to change, I have no idea what your boyfriend is thinking beyond having sex again with you. He might be physically going into a church building, but he isn't going to church.

The choices before you are:

  • Break up: You indicate that you are not interested in this option. You hint that you are more willing to sin than to leave the one who has been tying you down in sin. Though I know you credit this boy with stopping you from committing suicide, I can't help wondering if the reason you contemplated suicide was due to this boy pressuring you into actions you knew were sinful.
  • Marry him: Though you were raised in a religious environment, neither of you are actually Christians, beyond perhaps your words. You've already yoked yourself to a non-believer in that you gave him control over your morality. Marriage won't change him or you. It will allow you to legitimately have sex, but I suspect that unless there is a radical change in both of you, he (and perhaps you) will get bored. One of the things driving this situation is the fact that you know that what you are doing is wrong. It is the "excitement" of knowing you could be caught and that you are doing things against society that is spicing up the relationship. But in marriage that will disappear. If he is after the excitement, he start looking for it in other ways, such as committing adultery. He shows all the characteristics of a life long adulterer.
  • Change: "For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter" (II Corinthians 7:10-11). Become such radically different people that anyone meeting you five years from now would never guess your past. I don't know if you both can do it, but if you can, this is the one path that would turn this train wreck into happiness.

I'm willing to put in the effort to help you both to change, but I can't make either of you change. I can't guarantee that as you both change that you will draw closer together or drift apart. However, I see my job as teaching you how to reach heaven, even if that might mean some temporary unhappiness along the route. In the long run life will be happier and more satisfying, but the journey will take effort.