I'm a 20 year female, and I'm a Christian. I got saved when I was around 13 years old but ever since then I've never lived my life according to the principles of Christian. I started engaging in sexual immorality (masturbating and pornography) at an early age when I didn't know what I was doing but it always felt wrong. It continued up until the age of 19 years old when God delivered me.
At the age of 19 years, after I was delivered, I committed fornication with my boyfriend, who is also a Christian. Upon doing that I relapsed back to masturbating. Then earlier this year I was delivered again, then I fell back to committing fornication with my boyfriend. God punished both of us so hard, I've never felt so much pain in my life.
After that we thought it would be best if we break up and be friends. We carried on being friends without seeing each other for a month or so, then I went to see him to give him back some things he lent me. On that day we fell into fornication, again. I repented and asked for forgiveness from God. It took time for both of us to be right with God.
When things were OK between us and God, I went to his place to ask him to help me with some school work. I lured him into fornication again.
I now feel so bad. I get thoughts about committing suicide daily as there is nothing I'm living for. I'm not pleasing God. I keep using this guy because in the first place I was the one who lured him into committing fornication. So I feel that maybe Christianity wasn't cut out for me and that maybe God made me by mistake. That's why it's so hard to please Him and to stop sinning. I desire to have an unapologetic relationship with Jesus. I always envy other Christians who grow in Christ. I've tried so hard but still I'm not moving an inch.
About this guy I really love him. We've known each other since we were in high school. We had a good friendship. Things between us just got messed up when we started committing sexual immorality, which we feel remorseful. We want to get married after we are done with school. So I would like to know if it's possible to rebuild a good foundation with this guy, and start a relationship on a clean slate? So far we have decided to be friends for now and fix our relationship with God then when the time is right, we'll date again. I would like to know if it was a wise decision or should we separate forever. If, however, we do get married, will God bless our union? With regards to my relationship with God will it ever be possible to make things right with Him and please Him? Will He forgive me and make me whole again? Will He purify us and cleanse us because I was reading this other article about fornication on the web and apparently if once a Christian commits fornication his/her body is defiled for the rest of his/her life, and that they can never be holy. Is this true? I really want to make things right. Where do I start?
Let's start with what you read. What you have seen is contrary to the teachings of God. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God" (I Corinthians 6:9-11). Among the Corinthians were former fornicators. They can changed and so they were no longer sinners. Not only that, but their sins no longer stained them. To claim that a person can't repent of a sin is to make a lie of what God said, "The Lord is not slack concerning His promise, as some count slackness, but is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance" (II Peter 3:9).
You can't be saved while continuing to sin. "What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it?" (Romans 6:1-2).
The real problem here is that while you are sorry that you've sinned after doing it, you never really changed your mind about it. Technically you know it is wrong, but it all goes out the window when you are caught up in passion. The sorrow you feel is basically a worldly sorrow. You are sorry you did wrong, but it doesn't change you. You are quite willing to do it again given the opportunity. "For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter" (II Corinthians 7:10-11).
The reason you haven't moved on is because you haven't let go of your sin. "Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls" (Hebrews 12:1-3). Neither of you have been acting as Christians. You been playing at it. In other words, you have been hypocrites (putting on an act). It is past time to stop the acting and start living the life for real.
One of the reasons you are stuck is because you keep expecting things to be done to you. Instead of taking responsibility for your choices, you expect God to change you. Thus, you merely follow your emotions instead of your mind. Emotions come as a result of the things you choose to do. They should to be driving your choices. It is because you have your emotions in the driver seat of your life that you keep falling back into sin.
Whether you marry this man or someone else, your marriage will be blessed if you follow the teachings of God. God doesn't hold a changed person's past against them.
What you said, was well said. It's time I leave the sin and live for Christ with every ounce of my being. I always expected God to change my heart, but I realize when it comes to the heart it's the work of an individual -- it's up to the person if they want to change it or not. I would like to know, where do I start in having a relationship with Christ? I know I won't feel the presence of God in my life now. Maybe when time goes on, In the mean do I read the Bible, pray, etc. or I should wait for God to cool down I until I start seeking Him?
"So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God" (Romans 10:17).
"The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction" (Proverbs 1:7).
Relationships are not defined by feelings. Feelings change, feelings can be wrong (Proverbs 28:26). This is true whether you are talking about your feelings for your boyfriend or your feelings for God. Your feelings are the result of your relationships, they are not the cause of them.
"Jesus said to him,"'You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind'"" (Matthew 27:37). The command is to you, not to God, that you must love God. You determine where your heart, your soul and your mind goes. It isn't that God needs to cool down, it is that you need to get on fire for God with all sincerity.
God has told everyone what need to be done. His Word, the Bible, has been with us for 2,000 years. There is no mystery, just a need for you to learn and apply His teachings to your life so that those words will mold you into proper individual.