I married a man, not realizing what he was like or what his past was. What do I do?


I got married several years ago to someone that I really didnít know. We met in the fall and married the following summer. It was one of the most foolish things that I have done, and have regretted it every single day.

I believed he was a Christian. He lied about who he was and about his past. I didnít even know that he couldnít write, as in illiteracy. After I married him, things fell apart. He is a believer, but I do not believe that he is born again. He has never, nor will he surrender or submit to the Lord. He will not repent of anything, ever. No conflict in our marriage has ever been resolved because he is unwilling to resolve conflict. He opposes getting along. He opposes honesty. He opposes intimacy. He opposes the Bible. He lies all the time about everything. I can see him do something and he will argue, lie, defend, and deny his behavior. I have counseled him on how we are to live our lives, and what the Bible says. I tried to teach, counsel, discipline, read the Bible with him -- nothing works, ever. He has so much hate, bitterness, and unforgiveness, and will not even admit this, and ask the Lord for help. Everything that comes out of his mouth is negative, hateful, venomous. It has been so exasperating and draining.

I recently connected with his ex-wife via the internet and then phone. It was confirmation of what I had believed, more. She left him because she couldn't stand to be around him anymore. She had the exact same problems with him, even down to having separate rooms, and no sex. However, he also had multiple affairs on his previous wife, multiple job losses, etc. But of course everything is always someone elseís fault. He takes no accountability for anything he ever does. The situation seems utterly impossible.

I would have left, but feel like I have been hemmed in. I know all things are possible through God, but Jesus wonít act against a personís will, and my husband rejects Godís will and word in his life. He appears to lack a conscience.

Less than a year after we married, we left our jobs and moved to another state (he had bought a house). Things continued to worsen, or letís say, I saw his behavior more, and was so shocked and appalled. Within less than a year, he got into a conflict with the neighbors. I wasnít there, but he told me some of the things he said. I asked him to reconcile, but he would not. Long story short, they burned down our home. Then the insurance wouldnít pay. We hired an attorney to represent us. Things continued to go from bad to worse. We had two attorneys who ended up defrauding us, so we never got a dime for our house or belongings. Iím not concerned about possessions, but if we had gotten some compensation without being defrauded, then I would have been able to leave.

My husband found work, but I have been unable to find work since we moved. The Lord has also told me by way of two dreams and a vision that I was not to go back to the state that I was originally from. I want out of the marriage so bad but cannot find a way of escape. My husband seems to be getting darker and scarier all the time. I am crushed, broken, and scared. I can say that the Lord has used my Ďbad choicesí to refine me, as I have cried and begged daily, endlessly, for the Lord to help me through this. It has taken a long time to get past hating him. Please donít be shocked, but when someone continues to hurt you in ongoing, deliberate ways, and has no remorse, it is very challenging to not hate the person. (Side note: Iím not talking Ďphysicalí abuse.) Iím sure Christians who are in other parts of the world and in prison for their faith understand. I know Corrie Ten Boone had to Ďforgive and love her enemiesí in the concentration camp with her sister. Talk about tribulation. I am living with the enemy. I think persecution and martyrdom is at our door here in America. I say, ďtake me out, I want to go home.Ē

Do you have any counsel you could give me. I read on your site that you get a lot of questions, emails, etc. I understand, if you canít get back to me.


I'm sorry that you selected a poor husband. I disagree that you didn't have enough time to get to know him. More likely you ignored the hints that there were problems because you saw yourself as being in love. I don't know why you call him a Christian since he doesn't follow Christ. By the way, the only way to be a Christian is to be born again (John 3:3,5).

You are also incorrect that you are hemmed in and don't have a choice. There are always choices that can be made. It is just that some choices aren't easy ones, even when they need to be made.

The man you married had no right to a second marriage. His wife left him because he committed adultery. "And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery" (Matthew 19:9). "Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries one who is divorced from a husband commits adultery" (Luke 16:18). Your current marriage is adulterous.

What I suggest is that you end this marriage because it causes you to be in sin.

Thank you.