I was born with a handicap. It has since became worse. I have applied for disability but can not seem to receive it. Why was I pick for this? What did I do to deserve this? If I die tomorrow, will I be handicapped in heaven? Who should I take my anger out on? Who did this to me? I didn't do this to myself. Sometimes I just want it to end. Right now I blame God, and I really don't want to. Help me understand.
When the disciples asked Jesus who caused a man to be born blind, he pointed out that their assumptions were wrong. "Now as Jesus passed by, He saw a man who was blind from birth. And His disciples asked Him, saying, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" Jesus answered, "Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but that the works of God should be revealed in him" (John 9:1-3). The disciples did not know enough about the situation to draw any conclusion.
For the same reason, I have no idea why you have your particular handicap. Let's just assume that God was behind your affliction, does that give you a right to be angry with God? "Surely you have things turned around! Shall the potter be esteemed as the clay; for shall the thing made say of him who made it, "He did not make me"? Or shall the thing formed say of him who formed it, "He has no understanding"?" (Isaiah 29:16). To be angry with God is to say you know more than God about how things ought to be. See also Does God Make the Handicapped?
No, you won't be handicapped in heaven because you will not have the body you currently have. "For we know that if our earthly house, this tent, is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this we groan, earnestly desiring to be clothed with our habitation which is from heaven, if indeed, having been clothed, we shall not be found naked. For we who are in this tent groan, being burdened, not because we want to be unclothed, but further clothed, that mortality may be swallowed up by life" (II Corinthians 5:1-4).
"And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away" (Revelation 21:4).