How do I get past the fact that my girlfriend is not a virgin, but I am?


Hello. I want to start this email by just saying that I am not good with spelling and I hope you understand what I'm saying.

I saw a note on your site about a boy who lost his virginity to a girl. I was trying to get answers about virginity. I am a virgin and I'm 18. I'm proud of my virginity because of the promises God made to us by saying that we reep what we sow. But it feels as if God has let me down because I fell in love with a girl, she is the one I'm going to marry, but she is not a virgin. She has had sex with three guys in the past. I really hated the guys who had taken her virginity from me because it is something that I wanted from the girl who I married one day. But I forgave them for this and am now praying everyday for them.

I had a long and hard conversation with her about sex. I told her that I want to wait until we were married to do this. She accepted this. I asked her the reasons she had sex with these guys and her answer was that she did not know that love existed until she met me and that it wasn't a big deal to her. She now regrets having sex and she wishes she could give me her virginity.

I love her and I promised her that this would not get between us and our relationship, but, to be honest, it really bothers me to know that I'm not getting her virginity one day. I know that there is something that can be done to renew a person's spiritual virginity, and I'm looking to you for an answer to this. I really want to spend the rest of my life with this person and one day give her my virginity and take hers. She is the closest human to my heart.

Please help me with my quest to finding an answer.


In the definition of what love is, Paul said that love "does not seek its own." (I Corinthians 13:5). Love is for other people, not for yourself. Other people must come before our own. "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others" (Philippians 2:3-4). We have enough people who act as if they are the center of the universe.

As you mentioned, you take pride in the fact that you are a virgin. I congratulate you on your self-control and, I assume, your love for God. But you are putting your pride before your fellow human being and the woman who is the love of your life. She made a huge mistake, which she regrets. You say you forgive her, but you are making it merely words and not the truth. To forgive is to put it aside as if it didn't happen.

You saved yourself for the one woman whom you love and will marry. That is an immense gift that you and she can both enjoy, so take satisfaction in that fact. Stop being prideful and focusing on what you are taking -- focus on what you are joyfully giving.

Your bride-to-be sinned in her past. I don't know if she is a Christian or not, but what should be a concern to both of you is that she makes herself right with God. She committed fornication, but she can be forgiven. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God" (I Corinthians 6:9-11).

On a practical level, because she committed fornication, she should have a doctor test her for sexually transmitted diseases. I'm sure she won't want her mistake ruining her health, and I'm sure she would not want to give you a disease when you have sex after your marriage.

Memories cannot be erased. She cannot take away the fact that she has had experience in sex, so thus she is no longer a virgin. For her, it will be a bit more difficult overcoming her past to bind her heart and soul to you. Don't make it more difficult. Stop bringing up the topic beyond the sensible matter of getting tested by a doctor. Don't ask for details about what happened. It is the past, leave it buried under your forgiveness. "Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all sins" (Proverbs 10:12). In that you will give her an even greater gift than your virginity.

Thanks a lot! I got her to let God into her life, and we are now working on our relationship with God. She also asked God for forgiveness, and I to have asked God for forgiveness for my feelings against the guys.

I now got us purity rings, and we will make the promise to keep ourselves for when we are married.