I've liked this girl for a long time, but I can't figure out my feelings as to whether she is the one God wants me to marry.


I have a question about marriage and a girl. I have liked this specific girl for going on 6-7 years. Yes, I said 6-7 years, and for some reason I continue to look at her as the greatest thing in this world. I keep telling myself that I will get over it, but I never do. I don't know if this is the girl I am supposed to be with because this feeling has not gone away. I am confused whether this is the girl God wants me to be with. If not, then why the feelings? When I ask God I feel like He may be saying no or wait patiently. I am basically confused on what to do.

I don't lust after her; that is not the thing. For some reason I have deep feelings for her, and I don't know where this comes from. Another thing is I have not seen her in a couple of years. I am not sure if God is telling me to pursue her because I do think of her almost all of the time. She was a Christian in high school, but it has been a long time. I guess I am asking is how do I know what God is saying? This is what I am confused about.


I spent most of August giving lessons on how to determine God's will for the individual (See the sermons on Decisions.) You are making the classic mistake of assuming that God has mapped out your complete life in advance but leaving you to guess which way He wants to go with only vague hints for guidance. It is a popular teaching in many denominations, but it is not taught in the Bible.

We are made in the image of God and a part of that is the responsibility to make choices. For example, you have a choice of whether to marry or not marry during times of distress. "Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be loosed. Are you loosed from a wife? Do not seek a wife. But even if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. Nevertheless such will have trouble in the flesh, but I would spare you" (I Corinthians 7:27-28). Paul is saying that in times of distress, being unmarried is the easier option, but the choice is left completely up to the individual.

It isn't as if God left us no guidance. He has taught us through the Bible how to make good decisions. We are told to seek out the wisdom taught by God. "Get wisdom! Get understanding! Do not forget, nor turn away from the words of my mouth. Do not forsake her, and she will preserve you; love her, and she will keep you. Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom. And in all your getting, get understanding" (Proverbs 4:5-7). So what guidance did God, through Paul, give to a person trying to decide whether to marry during a stressful time? One point of consideration was: "But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am; but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion" (I Corinthians 7:8-9).

Your parents have likely done the same thing for you. There was a time when they made every decision for you from what you would eat to what you would wear. But as you matured, they taught you how to make good choices and then left more and more choices to you to make. Eventually you become an adult and you are responsible for all your own choices, but you have the guidance of your past teachings to guide you.

In the same way, our heavenly Father has taught us how to make good decisions and expects us to use the brains He has given us. "Oh, how I love Your law! It is my meditation all the day. You, through Your commandments, make me wiser than my enemies; for they are ever with me. I have more understanding than all my teachers, for Your testimonies are my meditation. I understand more than the ancients, because I keep Your precepts" (Psalms 119:97-100). God doesn't leave us guessing. He told us the parameters we should consider when deciding on who to marry.

Now, let's look at your situation. You knew a girl from several years ago, but you haven't seen her in over two years. Yet, she made a strong impression on you and you wonder if she might make you a suitable life's companion. The only way to answer that is to look her up. You might find out she's engaged to be married; and thus, off limits. You might find out that like you, she has thought about you a lot. If there is availability and interest take her out a number of times so that you can get to know who she is know and not who you remember her being years ago.

Right now, all you have is memories and imagination to go upon. That won't make a marriage work. So inject some reality and then let things go at its own pace. Either it will gradually build to something major, or it will die away. But you won't know until you try.