My wife committed adultery. We repaired the marriage, but I still hurt. What can I do?


The letter written to regarding the woman with the adulterous affair really hit home. My wife after 30 years cheated on me with another man. I have forgiven her. She did not tell me, I found out and I have been torn ever since. It has been a year ago. We have restored our marriage, but I still cry and feel very hurt. I read that soul ties are formed through adultery. She says she loves me, but I can feel a strong hold in her life that is also affecting me. How can I pray or what can I do to sever her soul ties to this man?


The Bible does not speak of "soul ties." What it does speak about is the damage sexual sins do to a person's ability to form and maintain relationships. Perhaps the article "Marriage's Glue" will explain it a bit better.

You need to face the fact that her adultery has undermined your trust in her. I suspect that you are assuming she still has feelings for this other man, but what is really the problem is that you miss the full trust that you used to have in her and you are doubting yourself. It is your own fears and doubts which are keeping you from progressing and if you keep feeding them, you will drive her away.

It isn't easy to rebuild trust after it has been damaged so severely. But it appears that both of you want to work it out. So remember this first of all -- she chose you over him. She left him; she didn't leave you.

You can't fix another person. You can't fix your wife. But you can be an encouragement to her to do the right thing. You can give her plenty of incentive to realize that she did the right thing by staying with you. That will be hard at first. It means giving her love because she is your wife and disregarding any lingering doubts. That is what agape love is all about -- giving love even when it isn't returned. "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish" (Ephesians 5:25-27). Think about the implications of that statement because Christ didn't love us because we deserved it. "But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). You have an opportunity to demonstrate that level of love toward your wife.

So show yourself to be a man and a loving husband by leading the way toward the healing of your marriage.

I have been trying my best not to feed these thoughts and it has been a few months since we have spoken of the incident. My wife has been ill the past few years and I have always taken care of her and nurtured her back to health. She stated that what happened was because I took care of her, but I did not love her. She became this other persona on the Internet and got into chat rooms, then she met this man while I was away to see our grandchildren. It was a short lived affair, but it has been devastating. I have and will continue to give her my unconditional love I will continue to show her my love. You're right she is with me, but the thought of her with another really kills me.

Thank you and God bless you.