Nine to Fifteen-Year-Olds

I need some help solving a problem that I have with my daughters. Any advice or suggestions would be welcomed. I am writing in simple Spanish in hopes that you will not have difficulties in understanding it. If you do have problems, I will write in broken English. I believe that in Spanish or in my deficient English, we should be able to converse. [Note to readers: I used automated translation software to get the gist of what was written and then rewrote it for clarity. Please regard any errors in the translation as mistakes on my part.]

I have the following problem in my home: I am the father of six children, two boys and four girls. To raise six children in today's world is not easy and to afford to raise our six children, both I and my wife must work outside the home. We are able to make this work because my wife's parents live with us and help us with the children. However, teaching six children is not an easy task and some appear to be badly educated.

I am having serious problems with two of my daughters, who are fourteen and thirteen. They are my two older daughters. I have a son who is seventeen. He and the younger children are no problem, but things are going very badly with these two daughters. First, they will not obey anyone -- parents, grandparents, or teachers. They will not listen to anyone. And to top it off, they are set on doing wicked things. They have been stealing from their friends' book bags. Last week they went into the office of a teacher while she was out and stole money from the wallet in her purse.

It is difficult to realize that I have daughters who would steal, but it seems they have been doing it often. A friend of theirs told me that my daughters will sometimes enter a store and take things when the sales clerk or owner of the store is distracted. I was told that they hide the things in their book bags.

I talked with the preacher at our church and he told me that I need to get a switch (a rod of wood that is thin, hard, but flexible) and the next time one of my daughters steal to immediately give her a sound thrashing. He said I need to do this consistently and hard enough that she will not want to return to stealing. Every time she steals, she must be punished in order to stop her stealing.

At first, I didn't listen to my preacher. Instead, I took my daughters to a psychologist. He told me that spanking was bad advice. He put my daughters into treatment for anti-social behavior. However, my daughters did not listen to the treatment, so all the money paid the psychologist was wasted.

In the end, I went back to the preacher at my congregation. He scolded me for thinking that a psychologist or psychiatrist could solve my problem with my daughters. He told me that only in the Bible would I find a solution. He picked up a Bible and read to me the words from Proverbs about using a rod for correction to put order and discipline in children's lives. He said that this is what God wants mothers and fathers to do.

My wife's parents warned me years ago that I was allowing my daughter to do as they please and that it was not good for them. They told me that spanking a child did not mean you loved them less. They too urge me to find a switch and use it when they are not obedient. I did not listen to them when they told me this and now I see the result. However, they say that it is not too late to correct the problem.

I'm writing to you for advice. It is good to get a second opinion or another point of view. I never approved of spanking in the past, but now I'm confused. I don't know what to think about it. Worse, I'm running out of time. I would be very grateful if you would give me your advice. Tell me what you would do if you were in my situation.

Answer:

You definitely have problems and not all of the advice you received was bad. Consider this a moment: your wife grew up to be the woman you love. She doesn't have "anti-social behaviors." Yet you rejected the advice of the two people who successfully raised her. I would assume that you were also spanked as a child. It is only recently that spanking has fallen out of favor in common society. Why is it that each generation thinks it knows more than the previous generation? We ought to look at the mistakes that our parents made and correct those for our children, but when our parents did something that turned out well, we should retain those things.

The preacher at your congregation also gave you good advice. He pointed you to the Bible and showed you what God said about raising children. Since we are the product of God's creation, it makes sense that God knows what is best for us. It is foolish to think that men can come up with a better way to raise children. Man is too limited to see the consequences of his actions. "There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death" (Proverbs 14:12). And man is arrogant. He always thinks that whichever way he picks must be the best way. "The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but he who heeds counsel is wise" (Proverbs 12:15).

The only bad advice you received was from the psychologist, but that is because he teaches worldly wisdom. What passes for wisdom in this world is often plain foolishness. "Where is the wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the disputer of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of this world?" (I Corinthians 1:20). Modern psychology has been around for less than 200 years. God and the Bible have a few years on the science of psychology and better insight into the workings of men.

You have two problems: unruly children and daughters who have taken to stealing. You and your wife need to sit down and have a serious discussion about how you want your children to behave when they grow up. You need to decide how you want them to behave toward you, their grandparents, their teachers, and others in authority. Unless you firmly have a goal in mind, any instruction on your part will be inconsistent and seen as insincere. Let me suggest reading the following passages: Ephesians 4:20-32; Colossians 3:1-15; Galatians 5:19-23. They tell us the behaviors that should be rejected and the behaviors that should be cultivated both in our own lives and in the lives of our children.

Seen as one big package, the task will appear to be overwhelming. However, we will not tackle everything at once. For each child, even the ones that are behaving well, pick one or two things that you want that child to do better. For your daughters, we already know that ending the stealing is on top of your list. But I suspect that your other children are not completely without problems. It is just that compared to your two daughters, their problems seem to be minor. However, everyone needs to improve and it is important that you treat your children equally and fairly. They might not have the same problems to overcome, but they all have something for which to strive.

Next, you and your wife need to look at what you are doing that is encouraging or accepting the bad behavior. Most parents are blind to the things that they do which promote bad behavior in their children. For example, when did you first suspected that your daughters were stealing? Did you and your wife notice that things were missing, but dismiss them as your own forgetfulness? Did you notice that you daughters had things that you didn't purchase, wondered where they came from, but didn't bother to look into the matter because it wasn't that important? Did you find things that they stole, but you didn't make them return them? When others told you they were stealing, did you defend your daughters and rescue them from punishment? In many ways, big and small, parents give their children the wrong message. They accidentally tell their children that stealing is acceptable to them.

Once you understand your mistakes, stop it immediately. The realization will come to you and your wife slowly over time as you critically look at your lives.

In the meantime, the children's behavior must change. First and foremost, talk to the school and the teacher from whom your daughters stole the money. Find out how much is missing. Then ask the school what their standard policy is for stealing and then ask them to implement it. Let them know that you will not interfere and that your daughters will be facing additional consequences at home. In addition, let the school know that you would like to be informed of any future bad behavior so that you can reinforce the school's discipline at home.

Next, try to determine why your daughters stooped to stealing. Were they looking for the thrill? Were they wanting attention? Are they using the money to buy things? Are they using drugs? If you can determine this, then it will help tailor the punishment.

Third, tell your daughters that they will return the money and items that they stole. In addition they will pay the same amount again that will go into the family's fund. Since they have been benefiting from stealing, all personal items in their room will be sold (at your selection) to pay off their debt. This is where determining why they stole will be useful. Select foremost the items they wanted so much that they were willing to steal to get them. If this doesn't raise sufficient funds, then inform them that they will need to earn it either by getting a job or by doing extra chores at home. Until the money is paid off in full, they will have no social life -- period. If drugs are involved, turn them over to the police. Yes, there will be major consequences, but this is what your daughters must face.

Fourth, since it appears they use their book bags to accomplish their crimes, get rid of the bags. If they need some way to carry their books and it is impractical to carry them in their arms, give them a means that is open to view, such as a clear plastic container. In addition, they should not be allowed to carry a purse to school for the rest of the year.

Finally, inform your daughters that any rebellion or sneaking out for social activities will receive a spanking with a rod. The choice of whether they receive a spanking becomes theirs.

For your other children, decide on ways to motivate them to behave better that is related to the issue you want them to work. Try to pick some positive and some negative motivators. For example, perhaps you want the youngest not to yell when he is told to do something. If he yells, he gets a small spanking and still must do what he was told. If he goes a whole week without yelling, he can select a candy bar to eat at the local market. When he masters himself for two weeks in a row, you raise the goal to a whole month. After that you start working on the next problem.

All of this should be communicated as severely and objectively as you can manage. Do not shout or yell. Be firm and unemotional. Your goal is not to get your way, but to shape your children's lives so that they grow up into godly people. Don't take setbacks personally. This is a matter of right and wrong. It is a matter of what is best for your children's future.

Response:

Thank you for helping with my problem. I will try to follow your advice.

In response to several of your points, I had tried to speak to my wayward older daughters about the thefts and the other evils that they are doing, but it doesn't work. They won't listen to me and continue to do as they please.

What I truly don't understand is why only two of my six children are giving me problems. It would seem more logical that they would be all basically good or all bad. I give them the same education, the same necessities, and the same allowances, so how could I have problems with only two of them?

I tried the ways you suggested, except for spanking. You said the advice of the psychologist was wrong and I am thinking the same. After all, how can a treatment work unless the patient follows it? But my daughters refuse to do it. I only have the rod left as an option.

The preacher at my congregation said that spanking should never be the last alternative; most of the time it should be the first choice for discipline. I didn't want to listen to him at first, but now I feel he is right.

I want to ask you one more question: do you think that spanking can give good results with girls who are 13 and 14? My preacher said, "of course." He said it would be effective, if it is done properly. He said it needs to be painful, but what is needed for a small nine-year-old boy is not the same as what must be done with a more mature fourteen-year-old boy. He also said that the Bible never placed an age limit on spanking, it is up to the parents to decide. What do you think? What kind of rod should I look for?

My daughters don't like our family's religion. They are into far eastern religious ideas.

That is all for now. If you would send me your thoughts, it would be welcomed.

Answer:

It appears that my advice was not fully clear in my first answer. I was not suggesting that you talk to your daughters and attempt to persuade them out of their bad ways. I would like you to tell them in no uncertain terms that these are the behaviors expected out of daughters in this household. I want you to take actions which make their choices result in discomfort and increased difficulty in doing evil things. Because your daughter stole items from a store and used her book bag to accomplish the thief, you must tell her that it was wrong, take away the book bag so it can't be used for evil again, tell her she must repay all that she stole and that she will pay the same amount into the family fund. This is not up for discussion or negotiation. The time for making a choice was when she walked into the store. The time for discussion is past. These are the consequences.

If you want to add a spanking to the consequences, I believe it is a good idea. It will certainly reinforce what you are telling them. However, I want you to do the other things because they will serve as long term reminders. Your preacher is correct, the Bible doesn't give an age limit. While a child is living at home and is dependent on his parents for support, it is expected that the child will be obedient to his parents. Spanking should always be an option. In your case, it is probably a must since you describe them as being willful and not likely to follow the terms given them for being disobedient.

It doesn't matter what religious ideas your daughters prefer. I'm sure they have selected the eastern ones because they give themselves greater freedom to do as they please. Such should not be your concern. You and your wife have family ideals that will be met by members of the family while they remain a part of the household. It doesn't matter if some odd religion permits stealing, in your household stealing is wrong because God said it and we uphold that standard. Again, remember that you are the father. Standards of right and wrong are not up for negotiation.

The word "rod" in Proverbs refers to a slender branch from a bush or a tree. Find one about the size of you little finger in diameter and about a half-meter in length. It should be flexible, but not so flexible that it will produce a whipping action. Try to find one without knots. Use a knife to remove leaves and twigs and to whittle it smooth. Apply it to your daughter's bottoms in firm, measured strokes. You should not try to beat them so that their bottom is heavily bruised, but you do want each stroke to sting. The number of strokes will vary between children and the severity of their crimes. I generally suggest starting with ten for teenagers. The Old Testament had a law that a punishment should not exceed 40 lashes. If you have to go that high, you are probably doing it wrong.

In regards to why your children are growing up differently, though you are using the same techniques, let me ask this: If I planted a garden in Spain and then moved to Norway and planted another garden, would I get the same results if I used exactly the same techniques, planted the same seeds, and plant at the same time of year? The answer would be "of course not!" There are different soils involved, different rain patterns, differing amounts of sunlight, and different starts to the seasons. For the same reason, each child is an unique individual. Even if you use exactly the same techniques and they experienced the same events, each child will turn out differently.

However, people are able to successfully grow gardens in both Spain and Norway. How? They adjust their techniques to the climate. Even though the conditions are different, they are able to gain similar results. The same is true with raising children. You must have a goal in mind. You will use roughly the same techniques, but those techniques will be adjusted to each child so that each child will turn out to be roughly the same. Don't hold the methods fixed; hold the goal fixed, then you will get more consistent results.

I'm glad I came across your website and read so many things from other dads of older boys. I'm a single dad of a 13 year old boy. I've been needing to spank him for his improper attitude, but I have been very afraid to. Mostly because I'm uptight about male nudity, but I realize that spanking him with jeans on won't be effective. Do you have any advice how I can begin?  Any help would be appreciated.

Answer:

The verses in the Bible dealing with spanking do not mention the attire of the one being spanked. See "Topical Scripture Index: Spanking" for a list of these verses. There is no requirement to bare a boy's bottom in order to give him a spanking.

What I have mentioned in the past is that jeans make the sting of a rod far less painful, thus a parent ends up compensating by delivering more blows and harder blows to accomplish the same end. Sometimes a parent will comment "I've tried spanking, but he just laughs it off as if it didn't hurt." In such cases, I have pointed out what should be obvious, swats on an uncovered rear-end will be more effective. A completely bare bottom is not necessary. Spanking over underwear will be almost as effective as on unprotected skin. Or you could have him wear a jock strap so that his genitals remain covered while his bottom is exposed. If such bothers you, have your son change into a pair of light weight shorts or pants.

How do you start? First, define for yourself and your son what is going to be done for bad behavior. Spanking is not the only option for a parent. I recommend that different methods be used as appropriate for the crime. Like most things in life, one method is not the most effective in all cases. See "Topical Scripture Index: Disciplining Children" for a list of ways discipline can be accomplished. It is my recommendation that spanking be reserved for acts of willful or purposeful disobedience, cases where other forms of punishment just don't fit the crime, or as an alternative to another form of punishment where the teenager is allowed to choose which punishment they want. For example, if a boy puts a hole in the wall out of frustration with his girlfriend, you certainly could spank him, but it won't be nearly as effective as having to purchase the repair materials out of his own pocket, performing the repairs, and being banned from talking to his girlfriend for two weeks. The latter gets is effectiveness from being closely tied to the problem and its cause.

Too often parents select spanking because it is quick. I also suspect that parents prefer it because it allows them to vent their personal anger. When such is the case, they are approaching discipline for entirely the wrong reason. Children need discipline to correct bad behavior, not because they have annoyed mom or dad. Personal vengeance is forbidden (Romans 12:19). A Christian is not to use evil (personal vengeance) as a reason to punish wrong doing (Romans 12:17). As hard as it is, a parent's personal frustration should not factor into when or how a child is punished. Parents should have a goal in mind for the behavior of their children. They should have rules that define proper behavior. Punishment is then used when those rules are broken to steer a child back onto the proper course.

If spanking is deemed necessary, find a small branch of a tree or bush about 18 to 24 inches long. It should be about the size of your little finger. Make sure it is not so stiff that it would shatter during use, but it shouldn't be so flexible that the end will bend and whip the child. You will probably have to whittle any knots, twigs, and leaves from the rod so that it is smooth. The act of getting a switch will give you a chance to personally calm down and examine the situation objectively. It also increases the dread on the child's part knowing that his punishment is forthcoming.

Have the boy bend over your lap or a neutral object. This tightens the bottom muscles and has the boy place himself in a position of submission (giving an emphasis on humility in counter to the willfulness he may have earlier displayed). Place one hand or arm in the small of his back and use the other arm to switch his bottom with the rod. The hand in the small of the back will prevent him from jumping up. A switch, or rod, stings a surprising amount; you will not have to use large swings or a lot of muscle. As for the number of swats, ten seems to be a good average number for a teenager.

If this still seems difficult, you might be able to find an experienced Christian male in your area, perhaps in your congregation, who can show you how it is done the next time your son is in need of a spanking. Most states permit spankings of the type I have outlined by a parent, guardian, or by a person designated responsible for the care of a child (even on a temporary basis). At times children get the idea that they can prevent a spanking by threatening to turn a parent into the police or child protective services. I suspect the idea comes about because a few states specifically forbid school teachers from using corporal punishment, but this doesn't apply to everyone. You might run into a social worker who is either unfamiliar with state law or is an anti-spanking zealot. However, the vast majority understand that moderate spankings, as I just describe, are legally allowable. See "United States Statutes Pertaining to Spanking" for a brief listing of these laws.

I am a recently separated mom of three children ages 13, 10 and 8. The older two are girls. My thirteen-year-old really started to act up this school year, only a few months after her father and I separated. She was caught skipping classes twice earlier in the school year. I had to take time off from work to meet with the school principal. She was given detention and was grounded at home from the computer for one month. Things worked out for a while until just before the holidays. She skipped class again and I was called to take her home to start serving a five day suspension. I was at my wit's end and very angry. Once home, I took her upstairs, put her across my lap, and spanked her very hard with my hairbrush. Afterwards, I couldn't believe what I had done, I was so ashamed. Her reaction was total shock and humiliation. She said I had no right and that she was too old to be spanked. She told her father and he agreed saying I stepped over the line. He was no help before or after. I hadn't spanked her in several years and don't know if I did the right thing now. It's too soon to see what effect, if any, it had on her. Please help me with these questions. Is she too old? Did I go too far? I don't want to lose my relationship with her. Since the spanking, she has been distant from me although her anger has diminished. Thank you for your help.

Answer:

When a divorces tears a family apart, it is common for members of the family to play off the emotions of other members. The husband is angry at the wife so he sides with the kids as a way to win their affection and get a stab in at his wife. At the same time the wife does the same thing back at her husband. Meanwhile, the kids are angry at both parents for breaking up, so they play one parent off the other to get whatever they want and the rules of the home fly out the window. If you want to see an example of this, read about how Absalom undermined his father, King David, in II Samuel 15:1-6.

In other words, I'm not all surprised that after being punished your daughter ran to her father for sympathy and not only received it, but your husband then lashed out at you. It doesn't matter to him if your daughter was in the wrong. This was a way to win points with her and to strike back at you. You need to understand the cause and accept the fact that it will be there because your marriage is in a mess.

Your daughter is probably using this same mess to "justify" her skipping out of classes. Children will conclude that their parents no longer care; thinking that if they really did care they wouldn't have split up. Therefore, if mom and dad don't care, then they won't either.

The punishment you selected for the earlier skipping didn't work well because it wasn't associated with the cause of the problem -- unless you are saying that the reason she skipped classes was so she could spend time on the computer. Since she is skipping classes to do as she pleases, a better punishment is that she will spend her evenings at home -- no friends, no phone calls, and the like for a period of time. If possible, have her doing school work and extra assignments (the things she was avoiding). The difficulty on your part is enforcing this punishment since you are working and she gets home before you do. Never give out a punishment that you can't enforce.

Every state allows parents to use corporal punishment, within reasonable limits, to discipline their children. The age limit is implied in the law -- as long as the children are minors living in your home, spanking is permitted. See "United States Statutes Pertaining to Spanking" for a brief listing of these laws. Children ought to know that as long as they are minors living at home, spanking is always an option. As a parent, you goal is to train your children when they are young so that spanking will not be necessary when they are older. "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it" (Proverbs 22:6). If the habit of being obedient is instilled early on, disobedience will be a rare occurrence when they are older.

I suspect that you haven't been real consistent in disciplining your daughter in either the delivery or in the follow through. It appears that you hold off until you are pushed over the edge and then you lash out. This is the root of your embarrassment in having to spank your daughter. It is not the shame of having to do it, it is the shame at your own emotions during the incident. Reread your letter and notice that your motivation in punishing was your anger because your daughter inconvenienced you, causing you to leave work. This is not the proper approach to raising a child. Should your daughter be afraid to tell you she is sick because it might inconvenience you and your work schedule?

Start back at the beginning. You have three children whom you want to grow up as good citizens and god-fearing adults. To reach that goal, they must live in accordance with numerous rules. They will need to behave well and display appropriate demeanor to be successful in society, at work, and in their own homes. Therefore, you need to have clear in your mind the rules that your children need to follow. You give them encouragement to motivate them to follow those rules, but when those rules are broken, there must be a just punishment to hinder them from going the wrong way in their lives. When punishment is delivered it is given because the rules were violated. It must have nothing to do with how you personally feel at the moment. Think about it this way: How would you like to go before a judge for a traffic violation knowing that the sentence he gives out is going to depend what kind of week he has been having?

If you accept the fact that you are the parent, you signed up to see that these children grow up to be responsible adults, then you are going to have to stop being worried about your relationship with your daughter. Your relationship is that you are mom and not her best friend. It is nice if friendship goes along with package, but it must not be your goal. Otherwise, you are going to make far too many compromises to your role as mom. Once friendship becomes your priority, you lost the battle for raising your daughter well.

Finally, I know the bristles of hairbrushes sting, but the Scriptures teach us to use a rod (or switch) when corporal punishment is needed. See "Topical Scripture Index: Spanking." When used appropriately, it is very effective and is unlikely to cause lasting harm.

Answer:

The key to your problem is found in "this can happen three or four times before she gets into trouble." A friend of mine loves to tell a story told to him by a grandmother. She was visiting her daughter and sitting in the basement with her granddaughter when the child's mother called down "Katie, get up here and set the table." Katie looked up when mom called, but went right back to playing with her dolls. Not wanting to interfere, grandma puzzled over what was happening. Again mom called, "Katie, get up here this instance and set the table!" Katie again looked up, but then went back to playing. Obviously the problem wasn't in Katie's hearing. A few minutes later, mom yelled "Katie Lynn, you're going to be in big trouble if you don't march right up here!" Again Katie looked up, but went back to playing. Unable to contain herself any longer grandma said, "Katie, don't you think you should get moving?" "Oh, no grandma," Katie replied, "I still have two more times. When she uses my full name, then I have to go." Grandma was dumbfounded, but sure enough on the second call after that mom yelled out Katie's full name, and Katie quietly got up and went upstairs.

Little Katie had her mom pegged. She knew the drill by heart ... because her mom trained her to wait.

The same thing is happening in your family. You're frustrated at your daughter, but she is only doing what you trained her to do. You taught her to delay. You've created the war zone. And the trick is to not play the game any more.

When you tell little Susie to pick up her room and you return to find it untouched, you should deliver an immediate consequence and then tell her to pick up her room. It can be the immediate removal of the distracting item (book, toy, radio, or whatever) or you can give her a mild spanking. What you chose isn't so important as that it is perceived by the child as being an immediate negative consequence. There should be no warning or threat. There is no need to get angry or frustrated. You told your child to do something necessary and reasonable. Your daughter chose a consequence over obedience.

Depending on how stubborn your daughter is, you might have to repeat the consequence three or four times, but each and every ignoring of your request must bring about a negative consequence. It will not take long before Susie discovers that the game now has a new set of rules. Mom and dad mean what they say when they say it. Within days you will find Susie complying immediately. Nagging will disappear because you are no longer making idle threats or any threat at all.

Some children will do the minimum necessary to get by. You set the limits as to what delays are allowed. I would suggest that it be one statement only. One of these days there is going to be a fire in the house and you will want to be able to say "Susie, walk straight out the door as quickly as you can" and be confident that Susie is not going to delay but obey the very first time.

"Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it" (Proverbs 22:6).

My 15 year old lies to me. I believe she does so in order to do what she wants. She shows a deliberate disrespectful presence. I have set boundaries for Internet usage and she has violated that boundary by talking to people she does not know, lying, and telling me they go to school with her. She created a blog with her pictures, full name, school information, and the like. This violates my rules of conduct on the Internet and the boundaries I have set for her. She is assigned chores at times and she does them sloppy or not at all. She is disruptive at times at school by talking to her friends in class when the teacher is teaching and now the teachers have had to separate the friends. This is not a high school behavior, showing responsibility, or respect for herself and others. It shows a lack of disrespect in all counts.

My options are to remove the Internet from her room leaving just the computer for school work with a printer. I can block by password on my computer assess to the Internet. She tells me she needs to do research on the Internet so I have allowed just that amount of time to complete the school work and when I check to see if she has indeed gone to the sites she said she would go to, she has done that plus checked her e-mail, which she was not suppose to. When confronting her, she said I thought it was okay I was only on there a second. I don't buy that. I take it as a disrespect for authority and dishonest.

I am trying to figure out what to do, and how long to make consequences and how to turn this around. I believe she has become comfortable in dishonesty, disrespectful presence and lack of healthy responsible young adult behavior. Suggestions are welcome.

Answer:

Most people attempt to do what they want to do within the confines of the limits placed upon them. You declare that it is not appropriate behavior for a high school student, but reality states that it is typical -- not necessarily excusable, but still typical.

What is happening is that you have built up numerous issues with your daughter that are not being resolved. Thus, you are overwhelmed by all the little annoyances that comes with having a teenager and the issues are being mixed and confused. For example, you called your daughter's checking her e-mail as "lying" but you didn't describe a lie. If you told her to only do her homework and not to check her e-mail, then she was disobedient. However, I suspect that you gave her permission to do her homework and assumed she would understand without having to be explicitly told not to check her e-mail. She decided that you were limiting her time, so as long as she stayed under the time limit, she could fit in what she could.

Please don't think I'm defending your daughter, but I'm trying to put a measure of fairness on the matter. Teenagers may be approaching adulthood, and their ability to reason is rapidly increasing, but in many ways they are still as literal-minded as a child. In fact, their increasing ability to reason means they begin looking for loopholes in the rules.

Instead of being distracted by a variety of problems, running here and there with none of them being solved; let's focus on just one for the moment, get a resolution, and then figure out the next issue. Since most of your note centers on the use of the Internet, let's start there.

It is good that you are aware of the dangers of the Internet. Your daughter needs protection because as a teenager she has not developed the ability to accurately assess risks. She literally doesn't see or understand the dangers and so wrongly concludes that they are not there.

1) If not done already, have her remove her current blog.

2) Discuss in detail what can and cannot be placed on the Internet (things like personal information). Tell her why it is a danger and if you can, supply her with some information on people who have been victimized by being too free with their personal information. Don't expect to convince her, just layout your reasons and tell her it is not suggestions, but a rule.

3) Let her create a blog, but let her know that it must be within the limits you set. If she breaks the rules, she will be losing her access to the Internet at home.

4) I strongly recommend that the computer in her room does not have Internet access. Only have computers in open areas of the home, where someone at any time can look over a person's shoulder should have access. It is amazing what people will or will not do just because they might be caught -- use that to your advantage.

5) Allow her access to mail, but let her know that all e-mail will be monitored (and do so). Address problems that arise from the content of the e-mails as they arise.

You probably think I'm crazy. She is getting all these freedoms, where are the consequences? What I suspect is happening is that you are creating artificial and unenforceable rules. Not all rules are the same. Suppose I made a rule that my child is not allowed to sit down. Even if my child, for the most part, obeys the rule, it is bound to be broken. Should I then get upset because the child broke my rule? Is the child "bad" because he broke my rule?

Let me illustrate this with a story from the Old Testament. Saul was leading an army of Israelites against the Philistines. His son Jonathan with the aid of God put the Philistine army into an uproar (I Samuel 14:1-15). Saul took advantage to the situation to turn the ruckus into a full victory (I Samuel 14:20-23). Saul was so excited about the win, that he didn't want anyone pausing, even to eat. Saul placed Israel under an oath, "Cursed is the man who eats any food until evening, before I have taken vengeance on my enemies." So none of the people tasted food" (I Samuel 14:24). I sure it sounded noble, but it was a foolish rule. After all, who fights better, someone well fed or hungry after hard work? Worse, the battle went through a section of woodlands where honey was dripping from the trees, but no one could eat it.

Because Jonathan was gone when his father made the rule, he did not know of it. As he battled through the area, he ate some of the honey (I Samuel 14:27). It revived him, but the rest of the men remained faint. He was told after the fact about Saul's rule and Jonathan rightly pointed out that Saul caused more harm than good with his oath. "My father has troubled the land. Look now, how my countenance has brightened because I tasted a little of this honey. How much better if the people had eaten freely today of the spoil of their enemies which they found! For now would there not have been a much greater slaughter among the Philistines?" (I Samuel 14:29-30).

Saul eventually learned that Jonathan had broken Saul's oath. "Then Saul said to Jonathan, "Tell me what you have done." And Jonathan told him, and said, "I only tasted a little honey with the end of the rod that was in my hand. So now I must die!" And Saul answered, "God do so and more also; for you shall surely die, Jonathan." But the people said to Saul, "Shall Jonathan die, who has accomplished this great deliverance in Israel? Certainly not! As the LORD lives, not one hair of his head shall fall to the ground, for he has worked with God this day." So the people rescued Jonathan, and he did not die" (I Samuel 14:43-45).

Notice the mistakes made by Saul, from a parenting point of view:

1) He made a rule, but did not inform everyone of its existence. Yet, he expected everyone to obey it.

2) He made a rule that wasn't practical. He caused his own army to starve.

3) He made a rule that wasn't enforceable. By this, I mean that the rule was of such a nature that Saul could not monitor his own people to make sure they were following his rule. The people did try, but you can't be everywhere.

4) He made a rule that though he said he would enforce in the end he did not because it involved his own child.

Rules, such as "no private information on the Internet" is necessary for the safety of a child, but it is not an enforceable rule. You can install software to monitor most cases, but no software solution will be perfect. Software can be bypassed. Then there is the fact that your daughter has access to the Internet even if you bar her from the home computers. There are still the computers at school and the ones at the library. You can't monitor her 24 hours a day.

Your punishment of "no e-mail" is not enforceable either because of the same reasons. Your "no Internet" rule was not practical because you had to "break" the rule so she could do her homework.

Your daughter is on the verge of entering adulthood and in a few short years she must learn how to control her own behavior without you standing over her. That means she needs some practice flights while you are still available to catch her if she falls. What I fear is that most of your problems with your daughter is that you are controlling her life so much that she has no room to grow. You are placing artificial restrictions that are not enforceable or practical and then you are becoming upset when your rules aren't being followed. In the story above, Saul's problem wasn't Jonathan; Saul's problem was Saul. I suspect you are doing something similar to yourself.

I was asked a while back to talk to two brothers who were caught looking at Internet pornography. They were, and still are, good decent boys, but they got caught up into something that one of them admitted was uncontrollable. What I did was sit down with them and went over in extreme detail why pornography was an addictive behavior, why people peddled it, want they did to make it appear attractive, and most importantly what harm it caused to the viewer. In other words, I stripped it of all its glitz and helped them see all the trash hiding under the glitz. After talking to them into the wee hours of the morning, I then told them that I nor their parents, nor anyone else, could stop them from seeing pornography. Anything done could be undone. If they were determined, they could bypass any restriction placed on them. But, I told them, they could now appreciate the danger and I have delivered the warning (Ezekiel 3:17-21). The only person who could stop this was themselves. It was within their ability (I Corinthians 10:13). I wanted them to have a great life, a wonderful wife, and beautiful children, and when life is over a home in heaven; but I can't make anyone do the things necessary to have that assurance -- only they could. As far as I know, they completely dropped the pornography.

You see, what I did was tell them the reason behind the rule, the dangers that were lurking, and the reason the rule was a shield for them from that danger. But then I told them they were entering the adult world and I expected them to act as responsible adults. They rose to the challenge because deep down that is what they wanted for themselves. In this matter, do the same for your daughter. Your rule is reasonable, so show her the reason and the dangers. But be honest with her and yourself that the rule is not enforceable. Tell her you want her have a marvelous life unscarred by predators, but she is nearing adulthood and you no longer can fully protect her. She has to do it. I wouldn't be surprised if she, too, rose to the challenge.

I recently discovered that at least one of my stepsons had downloaded pornography on their computer, which is in their shared bedroom. The fourteen-year old seems to be the guilty culprit, but he won't own up.
The twelve-year-old says it wasn’t him, and I believe him. The law says I’m within my right to beat them both but should I? I’m a Christian and I feel I must cane the culprit. If I do, should it be severe? I was thinking 36 whacks each. I know it’s severe, but sexual sins are serious.

Answer:

The laws in all states allow reasonable physical punishment, such as spankings, by a parent or guardian. The Bible speaks of using a rod (or switch) to punish misbehavior. (See Questions and Answers regarding Spanking for more details.) You, however, speak of caning, which is not the same thing. You talk about giving 36 whacks, but it is an arbitrary number. You state that you don't know who is guilty, but you talk about caning both boys severely. Finally, and most importantly, there is no indication that the boys will be receiving instruction as to why pornography is wrong or dangerous.

Let's back things up a bit and put things on a more reasonable ground. Reserve spankings for willful disobedience. In this case, I would tell the boys that since it is clear that they are yielding to temptation, that they cannot be trusted with a computer in the privacy of their own room. Move the computer out into a public area of the home. If you suspect that they are using it when no one else is around, such as late at night, Windows XP has the ability to limit access to a user to certain hours of the day. Several software developers have programs to make such limitations simple to set up and will work on other operating systems. Set the hours to those times when you or your wife are home.

Do a thorough clean up of the computer and consider installing monitoring software. None of these steps will prevent a determined teenager from accessing pornography, but it makes it difficult and lets them know that you are determined to keep them safe.

Let the boys know that you will be going through their room at unannounced times to see if they are hiding pornography. Make it clear that pornography is not acceptable in any form in the house.

Finally, sit down with them and study with them about lust, sexual desire, and pornography. The more knowledge they have from the Bible, the less "glamorous" the pornography will appear. I would recommend using Growing Up in the Lord: A Study for Teenage Boys to give them the background they need at this stage in their life. Follow this up with the article "A Look at Pornography" to explain the specific dangers of pornography.

Response:

I have spoken to my wife and it is agreed that it would not only be wrong to administer corporal punishment to both my sons unless they're both guilty and that 36 whacks of the cane is not appropriate. I attended a strict religious school where teachers would administer corporal punishment to the entire class to keep order. I though it would have been wrong to cane them both, but I wanted to be sure. We agree that it is a sin to wrongly punish someone. The fourteen-year-old has owned up. Would twelve lashes of a senior cane be more appropriate or should I slipper him?

Answer:

I'm glad that some of what I wrote sunk in. Just because you were raised with or without corporal punishment, or just because a certain type of punishment was always used when you were young doesn't necessarily imply that it is scriptural or the best method. You mentioned that you are a Christian, so why aren't you going back to the Bible to learn how to discipline? I'm asking because neither the use of a cane or a slipper are mentioned therein. See "A series of questions about spanking" for an introduction to biblical corporal punishment. Also read through the Scriptures listed in the topical index on spanking. I do hope you are including studying with your boys about sexual matters as part of your corrective action.

Just wanted to say thanks for contending for the faith, in relation to the person who wrote you against the Bible.  I need further help with my son Brett who is 14.  My wife and I have set the punishment for disobedience for both our sons. In addition to moving along if there are repeated infractions, my son has not heeded to well with the taking away privileges, extra chores,and groundings.  He has talked back to my wife, continues to backtalk even when given the extra punishments, and he is still not where he is supposed to be.  In addition he continues to torment his younger brother John by punching him and pushing him around.  My wife caught him in a lie when he was not at the place he said he was at. I told him to stay in his room and I would decide the next course of action.

The last time I spanked him, it was a long time before he complied with it and bent over my lap.  I took the switch and spanked his bottom in rapid swats. A couple hours later, he told his brother the spanking didn't hurt and he was going to still do what he wanted. My wife and I decided to cancel a trip he was going to go on at church.  My question is how would you handle the situation in regards to administering the spanking to make it more effective. How should I spank when there are things that he has done for multiple infractions that calls for using the rod?  Thanks for the help.