Nine to Fifteen-Year-Olds

Teaching Self-control

Around the age of nine to ten (on average), our children begin a dramatic series of changes that take them from childhood to adulthood. The precise ages that these changes begin vary from child to child. The order of the changes also varies by the sex of the child and with each individual child. I will present the typical order of changes, but your child may not change in this order.

The reproductive organs begin to mature beginning at the age of nine on average. Since the changes are internal, most girls do not notice the initial changes. The first indication that something is happening is a rapid growth spurt. All girls grow at an average rate of 1 inch per year, but during adolescent this growth accelerates to 2 inches or more per year. Around the age of 11, pubic hair begins to grow around the genitals and under the arms. Most girls experience their first menstrual period around the age of 13. The start of the monthly period indicates that the reproductive system is functioning, although the girl's body continues to develop. The breasts begin to form around the age of 11 and come to full shape by the age of 16. These ages are averages. Some girls start earlier and others much later. The vast majority of girls reach puberty between the ages of 8 and 15. If a girl begins to develop before the age of 8 or after the age of 15, it is generally wise to have her checked out by a physician. Early and late development can be an indication of a disease, such as cancer. Generally a daughter will begin to develop at the same age as her mother entered puberty.

Since girls have their growth spurts earlier than boys, it makes them appear to mature sooner than boys, but boys too begin to develop around the age of nine. Though some of their reproductive organs are external, the early changes are so subtle and gradual that most boys do not begin to notice the changes until two years later when pubic hair begins to grow or they experience their first full erection. This is what leads to the common belief that boys develop two years after girls. The order of change in a boy is different from those of a girl. Pubic hair begins to grow around the age of 12. The male growth spurt begins on average around the age of 14. Facial hair begins to grow around the age of 16. Muscular development and the broadening of the shoulders are noticeable around the age of 17. Chest hair begins to grow around the age of 18. Complete maturation does not end until near age 21 and even then mental changes continue up until the age of 25. A boy can begin puberty as early as age nine or as late as age 16. Earlier or later development is not unheard of, but if your son begins before nine or after 16, it is best to have him examined by a physician to make sure there is no disease involved.

These physical changes are triggered by hormones released by the reproductive organs. Girls release large quantities of estrogens and boys release large quantities of androgens. These sudden increases in hormone levels have other side effects than just physical development. Adolescent children experience large mood swings. A happy child becomes very happy; an angered child becomes very angry; and a depressed child will drown in sorrow. During the rapid growth phase, your well-coordinated child will suddenly become very clumsy. Growth starts from the outer extremities (hands and feet) and works it's way inwards. The clumsiness is due to the fact that the limbs are now longer than before. Imagine how you would walk if you put on a pair of shoes two sizes too big. In a very real sense, your adolescent child must learn how to walk all over again. Boys also experience difficulties due to their sudden muscular development. Something that once took all their effort to hold onto is now easily shattered in their hands. All this growing uses up a lot of energy. Your child's appetite increases dramatically during adolescence, especially with boys. The average adult male consumes about 3000 calories a day. The average adult female consumes about 2400 calories a day. However, the average adolescent boy will consume about 5000 calories a day without gaining fat. The rapid use of energy during growth also contributes to your children's sleepiness. Where before they would get up at the crack of dawn, you will find it hard to drag your adolescent child out of bed before noon.

As your child approaches puberty, you will notice a sudden shyness about their bodies. A four or five-year-old child thinks nothing of running around the house buck naked after a bath. However, as puberty approaches, children suddenly don't want anyone to see them without clothing. A part of this is due to an awakening of sexual desires. The child, at first, has no idea what these desires are; after all, they have never experienced them before. However, these desires contribute to a growing awareness of people of the opposite sex. No longer do girls and boys find each other to be "the enemy."

The sexual development of our child brings a new set of dangers that parents must deal with. Parents are often caught unawares by puberty. As your child progresses through the earlier stages, you and the child fall into a comfortable routine. But puberty requires training in a new area. Suddenly your child has new abilities and desires that he has not developed control over. You must keep in mind the wise words that a person with no self-control is defenseless (Proverbs 25:28). The mood swings due to the hormones means a child must put in extra effort to control his own temperament. A child cannot blame losing his cool on his hormones. They may arise from them, but it just means he must learn to exercise greater control over his emotions. Due to extremes in depression, many teenagers harbor thoughts of suicide. The parent must be watchful, because a child is defenseless at first.

Just as you had to be extremely watchful over a child who is just learning to crawl and to walk, you must be watchful over your children in adolescence. No, there isn't much of a danger of their sticking a finger in a wall outlet, but there is a danger of their experimenting with their sexual desires. Too many parents become use to their child's independence and are too laid back in their approach to adolescents. Just because a child gains the capability to have sex doesn't imply he has gained control over his desires with the ability. It is not an accident that Solomon describes the man, lured by the prostitute, as young (Proverbs 7:6-10,21-23). Given the loose moral standards of our current society, parents need to be even more watchful. The CDC Morbidity and Morality Weekly Report, dated March 24, 1995, reports that 68% of all high school seniors claim to be engaging in sexual intercourse. The 1993 Janus Report on Sexual Behavior states that 19% of all men reported having had sexual intercourse before the age of 14! The percentage rises to 74% of all men reported having had sexual intercourse before the age of 18! Until a child develops control over his own body, the parents must be his conscience.

Adolescent children face heavy peer pressure. Few people, teenagers especially, want to be different from those around them. Solomon warned his son not be enticed to follow the crowd (Proverbs 1:10-19). It is during the adolescent years that drug use, wild clothing, and unusual haircuts begin to appear. The child is trying to define himself as different from his parents but the same as the crowd with whom he is associating. Paul warns Christians to be careful of our associations (Ephesians 5:11-12; I Corinthians 15:33). Good friends can encourage a person to be better, but wicked friends can much more easily persuade a person to do wrong.

In September, 2004, Pediatrics published a study linking viewing television programs containing sexual content with teenage sexual activity. Those watching programs that either displayed sexual activity or merely discussed sexual activity where encouraged to engage in sexual activity. The study found that the ten percent who watched the most television with sexual content were twice as likely to engage in sexual intercourse in one year than the ten percent watching the least television with sexual content. As Paul warned, "Evil company corrupts good habits" (I Corinthians 15:33).

Obviously, parents have a full workload laid out for them when it comes to raising teenagers. The most important lesson to teach is self-control. Among Peter's list of characteristics that every Christian is to develop is self-control (II Peter 1:5-7). It is a problem that every Christian must face. Even the apostle Paul spoke of the struggle he had to maintain control over his own body (I Corinthians 9:24-27). We need teach our children how to control their anger (James 1:19-21). We need to instruct our children how to keep a reign over our tongue (James 3:2). Children need to develop the ability to not rile against a false accusation (Matthew 27:11-14). While Saul is not the greatest example in the Bible, he could endure taunts (I Samuel 10:27).

Parents should also teach their children self-control in their spending habits. A child who gets anything he wants will find himself in financial difficulties when he reaches adulthood. Every person has a limited income and each person must exercise restraint to live within that income. A clever way to teach your child money management is to put them in charge of a portion of the household's budget. Pick an area that your child has a strong interest, such as the family's entertainment. Give the child a fixed amount of funds and then ask them to spend it wisely to benefit the family as a whole. For example, suppose you figure that you spend $50 per month on entertainment (movies, rentals, dining, etc.). You give your child $50 at the beginning of each month and tell them this is all they have to entertain the family. They can spend it as they see fit, but it needs to make the family happy or he will be "fired" from his position. Hence, your child learns that money is limited, that things have a cost, that current wants must be balanced with future needs, and that he must think about other people and not his own desires.

Even more obviously, if we are to teach self-control to our children, then we must have control over ourselves. Self-control is learned from God. God teaches us to live properly in this world (Titus 2:11-12). It is a by-product produced when we strive to live the Christian life (Galatians 5:22-23). David refrained from striking Saul, who was seeking to end his life, because of his strong desire to do God's will (I Samuel 24).

Our teenagers need to learn how to avoid temptation (I Thessalonians 5:22). Satan will always put us into tempting situations, but teenagers need to learn how to recognize those situations. For example, you should have a house rule that they should not have guests of the opposite sex over at your house when the parents are not around. Similarly, teenagers should not visit a friend of the opposite sex if the friend's parents are not at home. If your teenager asks, "Don't you trust me?" The answer is quite simple, "No. You don't have the experience to resist Satan on your own." Did you know that 60% of all teenage sexual activity happens at home?

Your children also need instruction on the influence of their friends. If you asked, most kids think that they are completely independent. However, their idea of independence is separation from their parents. They remain very dependent on their peers. Teenagers need to see this situation clearly, so they can realize where the pressures for immoral behavior are coming from.

Being a faithful Christian is not just the ability to avoid sinful behavior. A Christian must fill his life with so much righteousness that there is no room for sinful activity (Romans 13:14). Keep your teenagers busy doing righteous things. Idleness gives Satan an opportunity to try to get his hooks into your child's soul.

By the time a child has reached adolescence, they usually realize they need to be obedient to the Lord. They have become aware of their own inadequacies in facing temptation. They see the need for help that can only come from the Lord. Paul said he could do all things through Christ, who gives him strength (Philippians 4:13). But help only comes when we join our lives with God's life. There is a mighty battle taking place between God and Satan. It is so big that there are no side lines where we can watch as independent observers. The war is taking place all around us. If we fight independently, the enemy is so great that we will soon be overwhelmed. Yet we can join God's side and have his aid, but we must first make the choice. Will you be on the Lord's side?

Mary Had a Little Boy

Mary had a little boy, his soul was white as snow;

He never went to Sunday School, 'cause Mary wouldn't go.

He never heard the truth of Christ that thrilled the childish mind;

While other children went to class, this child was left behind.

And as he grew from babe to youth, she saw to her dismay,

A soul that once was snowy white became a dingy gray.

Realizing he was lost she tried to win him back,

But now the soul that once was white had turned an ugly black.

She even started back to church and Bible study too.

She begged the preacher, "Isn't there a thing that you can do?"

The preacher tried -- failed and said, "We're just too far behind.

I tried to tell you years ago, but you would pay no mind."

And so another soul is lost, that once was white as snow.

Sunday School could have helped, but Mary wouldn't go.

Author Unknown

Additional Material

Detailed studies about growth and sexual responsibility is available on this website. See Growing Up in the Lord: A Study for Teenage Boys and Growing Up in the Lord: A Study for Teenage Girls.

Age Appropriate Tasks

Below are some suggested tasks that would be appropriate to begin introducing you child to doing. Every child will not be able all these tasks at this age. Some judgment is required on your part as to when your child is mature enough to handle these particular chores.

Arrange for own haircuts
Purchase toiletries
Wash and dry clothing
Clean out lint traps and filters
Shop for clothing
Remove basic spots from clothing
Iron clothing
Sew on a button and do simple mending to clothing
Mow the lawn
Load the dishwasher and run it
Vacuum upholstery and draperies
Wash car
Change bed linens
Replace a light bulb
Clean out the fireplace
Polish silverware
Reset breakers or replace a fuse
Oil door hinges
Change vacuum cleaner bags
Trim trees and shrubs
Polish furniture
Wash windows
Make phone calls
Scrub walls
Wax and polish floors
Clean bathroom tile
Purchase items at a store
Do simple baking (cake, pancakes, deserts)
Make a salad
Plan a balanced meal
Make hot beverages
Make a simple budget
Wash and polish car
Hang pictures on a wall
Repair small damages to a wall

Your Questions

[The following was written in response to the chapter on "Proper Attire" in the book Growing Up in the Lord: A Study for Teenage Girls. But the issues raised are ones I think every parent ought to think about as they set rules for their children.]

I would like to ask why mixed swimming wasn't discussed in your article? To me, wearing any bathing suit is as close to being naked as you can get. There is NOTHING left to anyone's imagination. Even if a person is clothed from head to toe, going to a public swimming pool or the lake would not be an appropriate activity for a child of God. There are others in that setting that are as worldly as they come and to view others in swimming attire would be enticing one to lust. I believe most congregation's leaders are ignoring this and other issues of immodesty. I have grandchildren who are allowed to go to school proms and mixed swimming. It breaks my heart; because I have given them everything to read on these subjects (with the scriptures included) and have instructed them myself; but of course their parents (my daughter and two of the kids step-father) are in favor of all this activity. My daughter says she wants to "pick the battles" with the kids so as not to go overboard and say no to every issue that comes up. I am totally amazed at that philosophy! The parents refuse to listen to the word of God or any wise counsel on these issues. I am very discouraged concerning these issues and in general with the height of members worldliness in the church.

I didn't come from the best of families, nor did my husband. We made MANY mistakes with our 3 children. It is being proved in our case that personal example speaks louder than words. My husband was working long hours and therefore I was the one left alone with the kids most of the time. I did not make a good "single parent" so to speak. My husband had more of a "relaxed" attitude toward some issues with the kids. He also smoked cigarettes (began AFTER our first child was born) and at that time we also went to public swimming places, as did the other members of the church. Public swimming by members of the church was something we both grew up with. I don't recall the time frame when I learned how wrong the mixed swimming was; but I think it was sometime in the 1990's. I believe I have always known it was wrong; but all those years before, I thought it was because I was shy and didn't have much self esteem, etc., etc. Now I realize it was because I did not feel comfortable having so little clothing on my body, especially when males were present. I ignored my inner voice and since I had always swam in public and the church had not given any instruction about it, it continued on with my own children.

I believe my kids received mixed messages from us all those years and that's why none of them are strong Christians today. Parents may not be the only example their children have; but they had better be the best one! My family is living proof of that and it will probably cause me much heartache until the day I pass from this earth.

Answer:

You are right that the issue of mixed swimming is important to address and it should be taught more often. When I originally wrote this book, I mistakenly thought that the issue was a clear application of the principles brought out. Given the questions I received, I realized that I needed to spell out the issue more clearly. I just recently wrote an article on it, which you can read by clicking on "Is It Okay for Boys and Girls to Swim Together?"

Thank you for sharing your concerns with the younger generation. I hope they will learn from your experiences. Concerning the need for consistency in expectations of children's behavior, may I recommend the lesson "When I Grow Up"?

It's good to know there are men like yourself in the world. It's unfortunate that not enough men use old fashioned values for raising their sons. And it's made worse when fathers do not support each other.

I have two boys, 13 and 15. Good kids but rowdy as lots of boys are. My primary form of discipline is normally spanking as I have used everything else and find that corporal punishment works the best on all levels if done properly.

I think you do have to be strict and firm with boys but I also think once they are older you can talk to them and explain things. I have taught them that boys not only need discipline but sometimes they actually want it. This helps explain why boys are sometimes getting into trouble for what seems like no reason at all. In truth, I think boys often act out on purpose for the attention. Sometimes this can be solved by simply spending more time with them. But in some cases I think what they want and need is a specific type of attention, and that is discipline.

I've realized that if you communicate you can teach boys to appreciate discipline rather than just forcing it upon them, then they can give you feedback as to how they feel and how you might raise them better. Once they understand that there are good and bad things about punishment, then they start to understand. They have to know that it's ok to want or need it but not ok to try to provoke their father into giving it to them. Meaning, I think men and boys would be much better off if boys could be taught to simply express what they're feeling and admit what they want, rather than getting into trouble on purpose. If a father and son are close enough, the son should be able to express his need for anything, including discipline.

I feel there's little that's more important than strong, loving guidance from a father to his son. In fact, I think you can even be strict with boys if you do it out of love and keep communication open. They want the correction and we want to give it to them. I find that it's not only logical but also very emotional and primal between a man and his son. I know that my sons sometimes want my firm hand, and I'm more than happy to give it to them. I only ask that it be able to happen in a healthy, loving circumstance.

Answer:

I agree about the need for communication; it helps the boys understand that the punishment is due to breaking rules and not because you have a personal vendetta against them. You are also laying the foundation for when they become parents. They need to know more than that a certain action is wrong. They also need to know why it is wrong and why a particular punishment can be deemed just.

Yes, boys want to know there are limits. There is comfort in knowing that the world is orderly, especially during the years when everything is personally changing. One of the things that you should begin to see is a decrease in the need for punishments as the habits of godly living become set within them. Most of the time, a stern word from me telling the boys what they ought to do is usually enough to get them going in the right direction.

I recently read a book called "Why Do They Act That Way?" by David Walsh. The author is secular and there are sections with which I completely disagree (for example, the sections dealing with sexuality), but he does present some very interesting findings on how the teenage brain develops. I found it interesting enough that I've started gathering notes for another book on dealing with teenagers. I would be interested in your thoughts as well.

The basic premise is that the brain, like the body, develops in spurts and in sections. This causes an imbalance in the way information is handled. For example, research shows that a teenager is unable to accurately read facial expressions. A look of annoyance can easily be read as one of anger. The areas that are the seat of emotional reaction develop early, but the area that tempers the emotions with reason are developed very late (mid-twenties). Hence, the physical reason that teenagers can be emotional powder-kegs. It also explains the impulsiveness of teenage boys to do things without thinking about the consequences -- they literally don't think ahead.

I have a young 9-year-old girl and I'm trying to learn more how to handle her upcoming puberty. It's going to be hard for her to learn how to handle her young sexual desires. I have no idea what it's like for girls. I'll have to lean on my wife quite a bit. I do remember what it was like for me. I remember desire racing through my body as a teenager. At first I had no idea what it was. It sure was strong. If it was possible to put the same amount of desire in my body today that was there when I was a teenager I'd die in less then a minute. Although I would die with a smile.

Answer:

What your daughter will be going through will be different that what you and I went through. Instead of aggressiveness and rebellious emotions, women tend toward moodiness and hyper-reaction. A simple frown of disapproval will be interpreted as you always yelling at her. I have a friend whose daughter is going through that stage, only she got an extra large dose of it. Poor lady, she constantly mutters, "just a few more years."

What you are going to be there for (other than emotional target practice) is helping her understand boys. Teenagers tend to romanticize things because they have no experience. Dads are the brakes at a time that teenagers are just learning where the gas pedal is. It means you get to be the bad guy who says "he's trouble" or "he's not good enough for you," while your daughter bawls that you are ruining her life forever.

Fun, uh?

My daughter is 12 years old and in the seventh standard at an Indian convent. She does not have any interest in studying. Please let me know what I can do to make her study.

Click here for the answer.

I have a question in relation to child training. My son is 14 and I have to occasionally give him a spanking. However, he has been getting in trouble with the same sin. He continues to defy his mom. I read your articles on the website in regards to using the rod. I usually use a belt with him bent over my knee on his jeans. I read your site and have decided to make some changes. My son is tall and I feel he is too big to have him bend over my knee. What position would you recommend he assume when he needs to be spanked. Also, how can I change with having him drop his pants when he is used to being spanked over his pants. I have switches from our back yard that I can utilize. I really feel in my heart that this needs to be addressed soon because of the effects on the other kids.

Answer:

Keep in mind that spanking is a punishment for wrongful behavior or displays of "attitude." It is not a cure unless it is accompanied by instruction in what is proper behavior. In order to correct your son's defiance, you need to determine what is behind it. That means sitting down and talking with the boy. You may learn what the problem is by such a simple question as "So why did you yell at your mother when she asked you to take out the trash?" Give the boy plenty of time to answer the question in his own words and in his own way. You might get the silent treatment for a while. If he tries giving "cop out" replies, like "I don't know," then let him know that the answer wasn't an answer: "So how long have you been screaming for no reason?" or "If you don't know then how am I supposed to figure it out?" Don't give him clues as to what you suspect. Some children will take any way out as a way to get the "interrogation session" over with, even if it means lying. Keep in mind: "So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God" (James 1:19-20). You might not like what you learn, but problems can't be dealt with by pretending they are not there. Keep your personal response under control.

Over the years, I've run into a variety of "reasons" adolescent boys become defiant with their mothers. Most often they have always been mildly defiant, but mom and dad overlooked it. Adolescence changes tend to cause moods to be amplified. A mild grumble sessions quickly turns into a full-blown temper tantrum. Where such is ignorable or dealt with by sending a child to his room, it is not ignorable in a semi-grown teenage boy. They don't realize their strength and they can cause damage or harm. It is best to handle the problem of defiance when a child is young, but it must still be dealt with if it remains present when he is a teenager.

Another reason, is that some boys get a confused notion that "might makes right." I can't say for sure where the idea originates, but I've seen it most often in boys who have had little to no religious training at home. They are missing the concept that there is a standard of behavior that is bigger than they or their parents. Hence, they conclude that right or wrong is only determined by the person who can make them obey (parents, police, teachers, etc.). The result is that when a adolescent boy begins to tower over his mother and he realizes that he is stronger than she is, he gets the mistaken notion that she no longer has authority over him. You'll get comments such as: "You can't make me do it."

And then there is defiance that is born from frustration. Some parents do not give their children much choice in their day-to-day activities. An adolescent feels the budding of freedom's wings and he is itching to give them a try. He doesn't realize they are not fully developed and that he will make numerous mistakes. Some parents don't want to deal with mistakes, so everything is rigidly structured to avoid mistakes. There is a simple solution to this problem: give your adolescent several choices that you find tolerable, even if you feel some are not the best. For instance, instead of saying "Take out the trash now" tell your son "The trash needs to go out before dinner time." Now the scheduling problem becomes his burden, not yours. It also leads to a natural consequence: he doesn't eat until the trash goes out.

Try as you might, some children -- especially boys -- have a rebellious streak in them that must be dealt with. "Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of correction will drive it far from him" (Proverbs 22:15). The Bible speaks of using a rod, or switch, to punish a child. It is not the only tool available to a parent. The Bible also speaks of delivering rebukes and giving instructions. A parent should try to make a child's wrongful actions lead to a reasonable and natural consequence that will serve as a deterrent. When a child reaches adolescence, I recommend that parents map out two punishments for the infraction. One should be related to the problem and should last a period of time. For instance, if your boy conveniently "forgot" he was supposed to mow the lawn, borrow an old manual mower -- the one with the rotary blades -- and calmly tell him that he will mow with that from the time you get home until dark, or until the lawn is finished, which ever comes first. When he is done, he can then have supper and he will then immediately retire to his bedroom for the night. Have him repeat this the next three times the lawn needs mowing. It will have good benefits -- he is going to get stronger pushing the old thing and he is going to learn endurance -- and he won't likely "forget" for a long while. The alternative is something short, but painful, such as a spanking. You then let him choose his punishment. Surprisingly, some boys rather get the punishment over with and will select the spanking.

Since you have been using a different method of punishing, before you have another breakdown, sit down with your family and have a Bible study on the topic of punishment. You can use one of the articles Parenting or Spanking on this website or use the list of verses in the Topical Index under Spanking to develop your own. Explain why you are going to switch methods and how it is going to be done up front. Allow your children to ask all the questions they want; one of these days they are going to be parents as well. Then when the choice is given to your adolescent son, he knows in advance what he is agreeing to.

The reason for have a child bend over for a spanking is simple. This position causes the muscles in the gluteous maximus (the bottom) to tighten. It increases the sting of the switching, which in turn means you can use less force and less repetitions to accomplish a punishment. If having the boy bend over your lap is too awkward or too embarrassing, you can pick a neutral object, such as a chair or the edge of a bed. Even if he is very tall, he can bend over starting from a kneeling position. A child's natural inclination is to cover his bottom with his hands. Just calmly ask him to put his hands back down. If he refuses, have him remain in the bent over position and tell him that the number of swats will be increased (say 2 to 5 swats). It might take a while, but he will eventually give in. Don't make the spanking into a wrestling session over who is stronger. One of these days he might get stronger than you.

Thank you very much for the counsel. I am always glad to have it, especially when it is backed up with Scripture.

I talked it over with my son. He keeps back-talking his mom, being disrespectful when she asks him to do things around the house, and not being at home when she needed him to watch his siblings. Those are the issues with which we are dealing. He said he would rather be disciplined with a spanking in the future. Well, the time has come for me to use the switch since it was agreed upon by his mom, him, and me. He has back-talked his mom in front of the kids and not completed tasks as asked.

Since it will be my first with the switch, how many swats do you recommend? He knows it will be with his pants down. I told him I would spank once I got some more guidance. He is old enough to retain the information until then.

Thanks for the help.

Answer:

The number of swats will be dependent on several factors. A young child will not need much to get the point across. Often a single swat is enough. However, as a child grows their tolerance increases as well. You will find that more swats are needed to accomplish the same end.

The Scriptures do not say much about how many swats should be used, but the Old Testament did layout guidelines for the Israelites. For example, beatings with a rod wasn't reserved only for children. Adults could be beaten, depending on the crime. "If there is a dispute between men, and they come to court, that the judges may judge them, and they justify the righteous and condemn the wicked, then it shall be, if the wicked man deserves to be beaten, that the judge will cause him to lie down and be beaten in his presence, according to his guilt, with a certain number of blows. Forty blows he may give him and no more, lest he should exceed this and beat him with many blows above these, and your brother be humiliated in your sight" (Deuteronomy 25:1-3). Forty swats was the maximum allowed to be delivered to an adult. The maximum you give to your son would depend on his maturity.

Second, notice that the number of blows given was determined in accordance with the crime done. Jesus used the same concept in one of his parables: "And that servant who knew his master's will, and did not prepare himself or do according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes. But he who did not know, yet committed things deserving of stripes, shall be beaten with few" (Luke 12:47-48). You should determine in an impartial way what would be considered a major crime versus a minor one and set the number of swats accordingly. For instance, you may want to start at ten swats with a fourteen-year-old as the low-end for an offense that deserves a spanking. If it is an offense repeated shortly after the previous one, you should consider adding five more with each repeat, up to a maximum. You should also adjust the number of swats based on whether he acted (or didn't act) out of neglect or through willful defiance.

If you follow these general guidelines fairly, then you shouldn't have concern that your punishment is too harsh. Many children, when they first receive a spanking with a rod, are quite startled that it hurts much more than they were expecting. Keep in mind this advice, "Do not withhold correction from a child, for if you beat him with a rod, he will not die. You shall beat him with a rod, and deliver his soul from hell" (Proverbs 23:13-14). In other words, don't make "on the fly" changes to the punishment; otherwise, the child learns that a big scene can lessen a stated punishment.

In the delivery of the swats, it is not the strength of the blows, but the sting that makes it an effective punishment. I would suggest spacing the blows out a few seconds between swats, otherwise the bottom is still numb from the previous blow when the next one is delivered. You want to make each one as effective as possible, so you can get by with the least needed.

Afterwards, wait for your son to regain his composure and then let him know that you love him and hope that he will learn not to repeat his offense.

Afterwards you can gauge the effectiveness of the spanking. If he appears contrite, then it was enough. If he continues to be defiant, then you need to start with a higher amount. Since you haven't been spanking your son in a long while, there is going to be an adjustment period for both of you. The first spanking will probably last for a while. The time between the second and third will probably be not nearly as long. Your son will test the limits to see if you really mean what you said, but eventually he will settle down. One of the most effective means of child-rearing is the consistency in which parents are willing to fairly apply both encouragement and punishment.

I thought I let you know how it went with my son. I took him aside in his bedroom and we reviewed what was to take place for his defiance. I told him to get ready for a spanking while I left to get the switch. When I returned we discussed how his rebellion was not going to take place without being addressed by correction with a spanking. I told him to lean over the bed. He refused and I told him I had all afternoon and the spanking was going to take place with the switch. It lasted over an hour before he agreed to submit to the spanking. I stayed calm during this difficult time. I also did a lot of silent praying. I took the switch and told him he would get fifteen swats with the switch. With the first swat he let out a loud sound. I really think he thought he could just brush it off like the spankings he had in the past with my belt. After the seventh swat he started to reach back to protect his bottom. I told him to place his hands back on the bed. He started to say through tears that it stung like worse than a bee sting. I said that was the point. He stood up but I told him to lay back down over the bed. I finished the swats and I put a few seconds between the last set of them. I let him cry it out and I returned later to assure him of my love and that all was forgiven. He told his younger brother that spankings in the past were nothing like getting a switch on your backside. I just wanted to say thank you and I know God has great things for our family. All we have to do is just follow where He leads. Thanks.

I had to give a second spanking to my son, but things slowly but surely will turn around. Biblical discipline works!

Answer:

I'm glad to hear that things are improving and that you are pleased with the initial results, though it is probably too soon to declare victory. I have three points that I would like you to keep in mind in the upcoming months.

First, you need to make sure you are consistent in your punishments. For example, since you are working on your son's defiance, you need to punish his defiance each time it happens. If you get lax and manage only to punish him, say 9 times out of 10, it is likely that he will develop a "gambler's" mentality. In other words he'll start thinking, "Sure I get punished most of the time, but I might get away with it this time and it is worth it." I'm calling it a gambler's mentality because it is the same flawed logic that keeps people plugging money into slot machines thinking, "I've lost all these times, I'm bound to win shortly."

Being consistent is rough and tiring. There will be some point where your son will push the limits, repeatedly breaking the rules in seemingly rapid succession. Though he may not express it, it is a test of strength to see if he can wear you down. Fortunately it doesn't last long, but you have to remain dispassionate and consistent in administering punishment for wrongful behavior.

The second will almost sound contradictory. There is a tendency to take something that works and apply it to every situation. It is the old cliche that when you have a hammer, everything looks like a nail. Yes, spanking is a very effective punishment, but if it is overused, it can be tolerated. Save it for major things or for violations where there is no other good alternative. Don't make spanking the consequence for every single step out of line. This is why I recommend giving teenagers a choice between two punishments: a longer one that is a related to the problem and a shorter one that usually involves spanking. Then every infractions can be consistently punished but spanking won't be overused.

Finally, don't forget to balance punishment with encouragement. When your son does something right, praise him. If his mom asks him to do something and he immediately does it without back talk, give him a hug and tell him you're proud that he is making efforts at improving himself. With the combination, you will be amazed how quickly things turn around.

Thank you for a great site. I have one question. I have three children: two girls (ages 15 and 9) and a boy (age 12). One of my daughters asked permission to sleep over at one of her girlfriend's home. I contacted the girlfriend's mother and informed her about my daughter's bedtime. She was very surprised and told me that her child stays up much later than my children do. We then had a little discussion about this. What time do you suggest the proper bedtime should be?

Answer:

Children need adequate sleep to function well and to grow properly. But the number of hours a particular child needs will vary with each child. The average school-age child needs nine hours of sleep, but that is only an average. Some children function well with less and other require more. Once a child reaches puberty, his body will demand about an hour more sleep per night as his body goes through the changes into adulthood.

How much time does your child need? Pick a week or two where there is no particular demand on your time, such as during a vacation. Get the kids to bed at a regular time, but let them wake up on their own. Don't count the first few days as they adjust to the new schedule, but after a few days, take note of how long they sleep. This will give you a rough idea how much time your particular children need each night.

Having a fixed bedtime helps a child sleep better. The body has a natural cycle and it will adjust to the demands of the environment. If a child is used to going to bed at 9 p.m. each night, then as 9 p.m. approaches, his body will start the process needed to fall asleep. The major difficulty is that the cycle usually becomes skewed during adolescents. Teenagers have trouble falling asleep at their usual bedtime. The answer is that they should still head off to bed at their usual time, but take something quiet to do until they do fall asleep.

What time is the best bedtime? It all depends on what works best in your household. For example, in my home since Bible studies tend to occur in the evenings and we now have a house full of teenagers, things usually don't start winding down until 11 p.m. Since we home school, we just let the kids (and us) sleep a bit later, so the house isn't going again until 8 or 9 a.m. Yet I remember when the children were young and would wake up at dawn. In those days we were in bed before 9 p.m. so that we all could get enough sleep.

Whatever works best in your home is what you should use. It doesn't matter if someone else has a different schedule. But what is important is that you keep it regular. You don't want wild swings of early to bed one day and late to bed the next. Everyone is going to end up sleep deprived and grouchy.

Having said all of this, it is not reasonable to ask another family to change their schedule to match your household. If your daughter is visiting a friend, she should strive to follow the rules of that household while she is there. If she stays up later than she normally does, oh well, she'll be a bit weary the next day and can sleep a bit later another day to catch back up; but that is part of the "fun" of staying at someone else's home.

Why does my son lie about his homework?

Answer:

People commit sins because they determine that the momentary pleasure exceeds the consequences. The Bible mentions: "By faith Moses, when he became of age, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh's daughter, choosing rather to suffer affliction with the people of God than to enjoy the passing pleasures of sin, esteeming the reproach of Christ greater riches than the treasures in Egypt; for he looked to the reward" (Hebrews 11:24-26). Moses took the longer term view, but most people focus on the short term.

Your son lies about having homework to do because he gains something from it. He either gets to avoid doing it at all or he gains a delay that allows him to do more enjoyable things now. Therefore, as a parent you must address the problem from two angles: 1) he doesn't avoid doing the work, and 2) he doesn't gain benefits from not doing homework.

Knowing what you child has been assigned is difficult in our current arrangement. Teacher's give assignments at school, but parents have no idea what has been assigned. Some schools try to address the problem with assignment books, but it is easy for a child to "forget" to bring the assignment book home or "forget" to write a particular assignment down in his book. Some schools will post assignments on the Internet, which helps, but it is not often available.

The best solution is to give consequences to "forgetting." If your son comes home without his assignment book, he goes straight to his room for the rest of the evening (his room doesn't have entertainment items available) and bedtime is an hour earlier. Also make it a requirement that all subjects must have the assignment written. Even when there is no assignment, they must write "No assignment given." This won't stop a determined child from writing there was no assignment, when one did exist, but it does provide a record that he willfully lied. When these occasions are discovered, you make the consequence especially miserable -- an extended grounding, loss of television privileges, loss of video game privileges, or a spanking.

Next, designate a homework time each day. Make sure it is early enough in the afternoon or evening that there would be things that your son would want to do, if he had time. Homework must be done and then reviewed by a parent before the child is free to do other things. The review is essential to keep the boy from pretending to work just to get out faster. If he has a reading assignment, pick a spot in the story and ask a question or two to make sure it was read and comprehended -- nothing elaborate, just enough to know he actually did the reading. Make sure all the problems have answers on worksheets. If you can, spot check one or two problems to make sure they were done right (many textbooks assigns to the even or odd problems in the back). Read a paragraph of his writing assignments to make sure it isn't just gibberish. Any indication that work wasn't done means he continues doing his assignment. Add fifteen minutes of wait time each time he attempts to pass off incomplete work as being done. In other words, when he finally is done, he will have to wait in his room (with no entertainment) for additional time before he is free to do the things he wants to do.

Make sure the place he does homework doesn't have distractions available, such as TV, radio, phone, or computers. The only "entertainment" available is getting homework problems completed.

It should be obvious that this involves a bit of work on your part, both in the monitoring and in the enforcement. But if it is not done, it will progressively become worse. Eventually, habits will form and you won't feel like you are watching his every move. But until those habits are formed, you will have to watch closely.

Consistency is key. Allowing your son opportunities to get away with lying about his homework will cause him to take risks of not getting caught. It is only when he is resigned to the fact that homework must be done that he will settle down.

I have a problem that I have never had to deal with before and pray that I will not experience anything like it again. One of our member's granddaughter attempted suicide, by an overdose of prescription medication, last night. She is only fifteen years old, a very sweet young girl, but one that is obviously (now) troubled. She and her family are not members of the Lord's body but do have a denominational background. At the hospital this morning she was very apologetic to her mother, grandfather and even me. I know that she is embarrassed and experiencing extreme guilt over her actions but will also have to deal with her personal guilt for a long time to come. Even after she has been forgiven by others she must find a way to forgive herself which will likely be the most difficult part of her recovery.

I have offered my assistance if they desire to talk with someone other than a professional and informed them that any discussions would be based in the Bible. If we get to the point that they trust me enough to sit down and discuss this terrifying experience, how would you conduct these very personal and private sessions with the family? Is there one way of doing things that you have found to be helpful in these circumstances? Any and all suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

My concern is first and foremost the well being of their souls; by showing them that God is the "Father of mercies and the God of all comfort." I believe that God is giving me a door of opportunity and that much good will come from this if I proceed with a compassionate heart. Please pray that I will use the wisdom provided in God's Holy Word properly, that I will speak the truth in love, and that not only physical life will be saved but that souls will be convinced to be obedient to the will of the Lord.

Answer:

The number one thing is to listen (James 1:19). Not just to the words, but watch the body language as well. When something is said that is not clear, ask questions to get things clarified. It will not only help you, but it will demonstrate that you really are listening and are interested in that person. This is absolutely critical because based on what you hear, you are going to give advise. Arbitrary advice is generally rejected, but advice given when the other person feels you know where they are coming from will be listened to with interest (Ecclesiastes 7:5).

Teenagers tend to be emotional powder-kegs. The physical changes caused by increased and fluctuating hormones cause emotions to be amplified. The ability to reason is just developing and the ability to make sound judgments is not in place yet. Recent studies show that teenagers are unable to correctly identify facial expressions. A look of annoyance can easily be interpreted by a teenager as anger. Adding all this up means you have a person swayed by extreme swings of emotions but with no breaking mechanism of reason and who is unable to judge situations accurately. Is it any wonder that a teenager facing a break-up of a three month "relationship" thinks it is the absolute end of the world?

The reason the young lady is contrite and embarrassed is that her emotional fuel is spent. Now her budding reasoning is able to function and she is shocked at her own actions. She very likely will try to convince herself that there must be something wrong with her.

What you need to do if find out what triggered the sequence of events. She needs to be able to review her past and see where she had alternative choices. Too many teenagers think they are trapped in various situations. In other words, she needs to understand I Corinthians 10:13 in detail.

Next, you need to find out why she thought suicide was a viable solution. Was she seeking escape from a problem, hoping to get revenge, or garner sympathy? Here she needs instruction to see the reality of suicide and that it doesn't gain her anything that she had hoped it would bring (Ecclesiastes 9:10).

Finally, you need to help her lay future plans. She needs to think about how she is going to respond in the future to similar situations, hopefully making better choices. But even more important, she needs goals and aspirations. A person who knows where they are going might slip at times, but they pick themselves up. Without a goal, depression sets in and people wallow in self-pity.

"In the way of righteousness is life, and in its pathway there is no death" (Proverbs 12:28).

See also:
Why is suicide a sin?
Can suicide be forgiven?
The Courage to Live

My oldest boy is 15 years old. Recently he has become violent and domineering. All the conversations that we have had with him hasn't help much. He continues to pretend that now he is 15 years old he has the right to be free and to behave as he pleases. When we threaten punishment, he doesn't want to hear about it. I want to spank him. Is it an effective punishment in this situation?

Answer:

Even though your son is fifteen, he is still a child in your household. Unless he is able to live on his own, supporting himself with his own labor, he must live by the rules of your home, which should include being respectful to his parents.

What saddens me is that you have allowed the situation to develop to this point. Violence and disrespect don't just happen suddenly. Parents tolerate small instances of them, perhaps hoping they will go away. The child pushes further seeking what he can get away with until his parents are pushed to the breaking point and then they desire to lash back at their child in anger.

Spanking is an effective tool in dealing with violent and disrespectful behavior, but it will not work if you only employ it when you are pushed past your breaking point. While you are calm, sit down with your wife and lay out specific rules regarding what you two will and will not allow in your home. Think about what would be reasonable responses to when these rules are broken (and they will be broken). For example, hitting is no longer allowed. Any hitting will be punished with ten to twenty swats with the rod on the bottom. Any damage will be repair or replaced. Cursing, swearing, or back talk to an adult in the home will be punished with five to fifteen swats with the rod on the bottom plus loss of any privilege being argued about for one week. This should get you started.

The list doesn't have to be complete. In fact, it is useful to start with a few things that are the worse examples of bad behavior and work at getting those under control before moving on to things that are not as bothersome. However, you and your wife need to sit down with your son and tell him that these will be the rules in no uncertain terms. In other words, stop making threats about punishment. It must become a non-emotional response. When a rule is broken, a punishment will be delivered. It also must be enforced consistently, even if it seems like you are doing nothing but delivering punishments for a while. You have years of bad habits to break. It will take time.

Punishment alone is insufficient to bring a change in behavior for an older boy. You also need to teach him the right ways to handle difficult situations. "The rod and rebuke give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother" (Proverbs 29:15). Explain to your son why the behavior is wrong and what would have been a better response. Talk about situations you see around you and discuss what went wrong and what were some of the alternatives. One of these days your son is going to be a citizen and a parent. Do you want your son, with his current knowledge running your town in the future?

As things begin to come under control, offer your son options in his punishment. Let him decide between a short but painful consequence versus a longer drawn out one. This is what God did with David. "So Gad came to David and said to him, "Thus says the LORD: 'Choose for yourself, either three years of famine, or three months to be defeated by your foes with the sword of your enemies overtaking you, or else for three days the sword of the LORD - the plague in the land, with the angel of the LORD destroying throughout all the territory of Israel.' Now consider what answer I should take back to Him who sent me."" (I Chronicles 21:11-12). The crime is not left unpunished, but the choice becomes a learning process as well.

When asking my nine-year-old daughter to do various chores she always obeys, but sometimes with a "humph," a little puff of air which blows her hair up, sometimes with eye-rolling, and on rare occasions with stomping. I wonder if this is rebellion biblically? How do I get happy obedience? I find myself putting up with it far too long.

Answer:

It would be a rare child who never expressed annoyance at being asked to do something he would rather not do. For that matter, the same goes for grown-ups; just look at all the examples the children of Israel left for us in the Old Testament. Since you state that these expressions of annoyance are only occasional, it is best to mostly ignore them and occasionally remind her that such expressions are not polite. More dramatic expressions, such as the foot-stomping, should be calmly rebuked: "Such outbursts are not acceptable young lady," or "Does that mean you rather do the dishes for the next week instead of just tonight?" Assuming that this has been going on a while, it will probably take numerous reminders to break her of the bad habit. "Open rebuke is better than love carefully concealed" (Proverbs 27:5).

The calm response is essential because your daughter's expression is not calm. If you respond to it with exasperation, the problem will escalate. If you are calm, then your daughter will shortly decide that her antics are not getting to you, which takes some of the "fun" out of doing them. "Make no friendship with an angry man, and with a furious man do not go, lest you learn his ways and set a snare for your soul" (Proverbs 22:24-25).

In essence, you are expressing your disapproval and placing the ball back in your daughter's court. She now has the option of backing down, or escalating. Any attempt at escalation should be met with an appropriate punishment. For example, if the displeasure is over a chore, the time for the chore should be increased. "Rebuke is more effective for a wise man than a hundred blows on a fool" (Proverbs 17:10). If your daughter is smart, she will quickly back down and be less likely to repeat the escalation. If she, by her actions, chooses escalation, then she should realize that there is a calm wall of non-tolerance that she will meet each and every time.

Quietly blocking mild expressions of annoyance now will benefit you in the long run. The troublesome years of puberty will soon be upon you. What is now a mild grumble will quickly be replaced by loud protests. If your daughter can learn to control her moods now with your help, then when the stronger emotional swings hit, she will at least know how to partially reign herself in.

You can also anticipate problems and prepare your daughter in advance. Don't wait until bedtime to say "off to bed." Mention to her fifteen minutes before hand, "you have fifteen minutes." This gives her a chance to wind things down (most children don't track time well). Then, when the the fifteen minutes are up you can go back and say "time's up." You will find there will be less obstinace because she knew what to expect in advance.

So long as a child thinks your requests are a burden, she will never truly be happy in obeying. Part of her training is instruction in why a particular chore is beneficial to her. It takes most people a long time to appreciate the benefits of work, but you can encourage it. Find things to praise your daughter when she moves in the right direction. Too often, parents hold off praise until a task is done perfectly. When this happens, the child receives too little positive feedback. So when you see your daughter putting away her shoes without being asked, say "Thank you. I'm glad you are thinking ahead. Those shoes are going to be easier to find when you need them" even if there are several other things lying around. When she volunteers to wash dishes, say "Why aren't you sweet!" even if she doesn't get the plates perfectly clean or leaves the pots undone. So long as she is heading in the right direction, give her encouragement and drop pleasant comments as to how she made her life (not yours) easier.

Thank you very much for your response.

I can safely say I'm daily using calm rebuke and reminders. Up until a year ago she was characterized by obeying quietly and sweetly, with a "yes mom". It started with a little "dirty looks" and now it's getting worse by the day. Adding chores for stomping just worsens her attitude, however rarely to a point of protesting or actual rebellion.

Answer:

Since your daughter isn't openly rebelling, then I would suggest continuing your present course. Consistency will eventually win out. Your daughter is approaching the teenage years when she will desire to be independent. In a way, she is trying it out, finding out what does and does not work. By consistently giving disapproval to "dirty looks" and seeing that it doesn't buy her anything, she will eventually drop it. You will just need to show that as a parent you can outlast a preteen any day.

I need some advice on how to handle a sassy daughter. Time outs don't work (even long ones!) and she is too old to spank. She is a very sensitive child with a sharp tongue and quick temper, constantly testing the boundaries. My husband and I are having a hard time figuring out how to discipline and even guide our 9 year old little girl. (My stepdaughter for the past two years.) We realize that maybe her situation has caused some of this controlling behavior, but still, how do you deal with it?

Answer:

"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it" (Proverbs 22:6).

Most of the time when a parent is stump as to why a child behaves as he or she does, you can look at how they are training their child and find that they are unknowingly encouraging the behavior that they do not want. We seem to understand how to train an animal, but when it comes to children, we become flabbergasted.

Time-outs have become the all-purpose tool for discipline children, but as you are discovering time-outs don't often work. There are two main reasons: 1) If your daughter is not socially connected to the family in the first place, isolation from the rest of the family doesn't change her situation from her point of view. 2) If your daughter's room is filled with activities, she can spend her time-out doing things she likes, barely noticing the time going by.

Time-outs can be useful in some situations. A child emotionally out of control needs to be isolated from stimulation until they calm down and you can discuss what is going wrong. Time-outs also work well on a child who is behaving badly to get attention from others. But no single punishment should be considered adequate for all situations.

Nor should you arbitrarily rule out some forms of punishment just because a child has reached a certain age. If you go through the Scriptures concerning spanking (or the use of the rod) you will not find it setting an age limit on when it should stop being used. (See "Discipline of Children, Spanking" for a list of verses to examine.)

So let's step back a moment and examine what happens when your daughter turns sassy.
1) Are you showing partial acceptance? Many parents, not wanting to deal with a problem, will ignore back talk or sassy behavior until they are pushed beyond their limits. Usually the limit comes because of their personal mood or the quantity of backtalk they receive.
2) Are you inconsistently showing disapproval? Some parents don't always punish bad behavior. As a result, the child learns to gamble on getting away with bad behavior because there is always a chance that she might get away with it.
What I would like to you consider is that you might be telling your daughter by your own behavior that sassing is acceptable is some cases. You mentioned "her situation" and that has me wondering if you are excusing some of her bad behavior because you feel guilty over what she faced in the past.

You and your husband should pick one or two specific behaviors that you want your daughter to stop using and decide on an appropriate punishment. Only pick one or two, because your daughter needs to master a few things at a time. Next, sit down with your daughter and tell her that these behaviors are no longer acceptable and when they do happen, this will be the consequence. Finally, when the behavior occurs, follow through immediately -- without anger or yelling. A calm objective approach is seen as reasonable by most children.

What kinds of punishments are available to you?

Rebukes: Not yelling, but a stern reprimand why a certain behavior is wrong and instruction as to correct behavior. This requires an older child who can reason well. (Colossians 1:28-29; Titus 1:13; Proverbs 28:23; 17:10).

Spankings: These are especially effective if reserved for extreme behavior or behavior that comes about because of a lack of thinking on the child's part (Proverbs 22:15; 10:13). While it will halt bad behavior, it needs to be combined with rebukes so that correct behavior will be learned in the future (Proverbs 29:15).

Confiscation of goods or removal of privileges: Even children do cost / benefits analysis. It can cause a child to reflect. "Since you are behaving like that, I can't let you go to the party. Parties are a privilege for well-behaved older children, but you are acting like a bratty three-year old." (Notice that the responsibility is placed on the child.) (Ezra 7:26; Jeremiah 5:7-9).

Repayment: When a child causes damage or harm, she should be held responsible for the repairs. If funds are not available, the child repays the debt she caused by working (Exodus 22:1-6)

Shame or embarrassment: This is very effective with teenagers who are easily embarrassed. (Isaiah 47:3; Jeremiah 13:26-27; Nahum 3:5-6).

I've deeply appreciated all the excellent advice you have offered, we have made a strong decision to apply the Scriptures to our family. I feel I have a lot to think and pray about. I have allowed a lot of inconsistency and acceptance to her mouthy behavior.

Even though I feel it is rare, and a bit embarrassing too, to begin spanking over 5 or 6, we are determined
to begin to follow God's system for training her. I would like to ask, please:

What sort of trouble will you run into when you first start this type of discipline? How quickly can you expect results?

I believe prayer has a lot to do with it. Yesterday she was smart-alecky when her friends were present. This serves to show that she is "cool" and independent, and doesn't have to answer to anyone, which is, of course, a bunch of nonsense. I prayed with a friend this morning about the situation and I feel that God gave me a ton of grace for the day.

Thanks for taking the time to reply!

Answer:

Not to pick on you per se, but it is amusing to see the "drive through" desire that we all display from time to time. We live in a culture that wants instant results and it effects our thinking in so many subtle ways. Most children are smart enough to realize when certain behavioral avenues are no longer productive. They will quickly move on to other things. You'll see a mark decrease in bad behavior within a week or so. Generally it is followed by a period of compliance and then it will reappear -- either because of lack of diligence on the child's part or to see if you really mean what you said. The reappearance varies, but I have often seen it come back one to three months later.

Yet, there is another factor you must consider. Many children respond in a sassy manner out of habit, not because they are really in a sassy mood, but because that is the way they have always responded to a particular situation. As you know from your own experience with bad habits, breaking them might take a while. This also is the reason why calm rebukes are needed. They help the child learn to replace bad habits with good habits.

When we start looking for quick fixes to our problems -- especially problems that we let develop for years -- we soon become inconsistent in our response. Thus the parent tries solution A for a little while, decides it doesn't work well enough, and then moves to solution B, then C, then D and then eventually throws up his hands and decides that there is no solution! The one advantage we have in following the Bible is that God has told us what works, so we are not left guessing. All that remains is for us to consistently apply the solution to the problem.

God warned Israel that when they strayed into sin, He would not relent from punishing them when they needed it. "The LORD, the LORD God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abounding in goodness and truth, keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, by no means clearing the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children and the children's children to the third and the fourth generation" (Exodus 34:6-7). If we accept that a certain behavior is wrong, then it remains wrong even if a child persists in doing it for fifteen years. It is not the length of time or the number of times that makes a certain behavior bad. If the behavior is bad, it needs to be corrected each time it appears. In other words, a part of parenting is being persistent. Keep the goal in mind: we want our children to grow up into godly adults. Too often people would like to have good kids, if it isn't too much of a bother to them.

If I may be so bold, let me recommend that you lay out a response plan to the sassing. Perhaps something on the order of:
1) If she gives me a sassy look, I will remind her that such looks are not allowed. At times remind her that it will cause her difficulty in the future, such as behaving in such a fashion in front of her boss. Since you want the best for her, you are willing to stay after her because you love her.
2) If her response is further eye rolling or a sassy remark, then a punishment is given. If it was regarding to something she didn't want to do, she nows has to do twice as much. Or, instead of a time-out, she remains home and her bedtime is moved up one hour. When handing out the consequence, word it so that the responsibility falls on her shoulders. "Since you decided to continue being sassy, you will now have to ..."
3) If she continues to give you grief, then move to spanking. However, the other punishment remains. The spanking is for sassy back at her punishment.
By scaling it in this fashion, your daughter has the opportunity to exercise self-restraint in controlling a bad habit. In a real sense, if spanking is done, it is because your daughter chose it by persisting in her bad behavior. And, you can deliver the punishment objectionably because it is not about you, but about what she will one day become. Oh, and don't modify your response when her friends are around. They can learn too that bad behavior has consequences and your daughter will be mortified (because they won't let her forget).

We operate mostly on level three, if I ask her to do anything, she either screams, shouts, cries, or flat
out refuses.

Please give your thoughts about self-esteem, a young child is totally embarrassed if she is punished in front of her peers. Can’t the self-worth be shattered? What’s your experience? We just need to know what step is next.

Answer:

What you are describing would be normal at the beginning when discipline is first re-imposed after a long absence, but it would be odd for it to remain for months on end.

The difficulty with answering short e-mails is that I can't qualify my answers by asking background questions. However, assuming that this has been going on for a long while, then you need to sit back ask yourself the questions I would ask. You need to examine your response to her behavior to find out what it is that she thinks she is gaining by her tyrriads. Some common causes:
1) The scenes get her less of a punishment.
2) The scenes delay her punishment, thus she can continue what she wanted to do, at least for a little while.
3) She doesn't always get punished, thus she has little motivation to stop because there is always a chance that this time she will get away with it. (The gambler's syndrome.)
4) She thinks she is getting back at you by causing you discomfort.

The first three are answered by being both consistent and persistent in disciplining a badly behaving child. Ask any animal trainer what happens if you don't always demand good behavior from an animal and you will learn that the animal quickly grasps the idea that he can sometimes get away with doing wrong. For the poor trainer it means extra long hours. It takes far longer to get the animal back to where you started than it did to train him in the first place. Our children are not animals, but they are smarter than any beast. It doesn't take much to lose control of a situation and they remember far longer that it is possible to get away with bad behavior.

The fourth problem is a matter of handling your own behavior. Discipline should be viewed as a consequence of bad behavior. It should not be looked at as a power struggle between you and your daughter. If such exists, you have given up far too much authority. You are the parent. It is your God-given job to raise up a decent human being. Any power a child has is solely because you gave it to her. If you can view the task of discipline in an objective matter and not get personally bent out of shape when it is needed, then you have taken away any "pleasure" your daughter gained in causing you discomfort. This is why I recommend mapping out your responses in advance when emotions don't play into the decision process.

Your concern about your daughter's self-esteem causes me to guess that you have given your daughter too much authority in the family. Have you ever looked at the definition of self-esteem? Webster's Collegiate Dictionary defines it as "1) A confidence and satisfaction in oneself: self-respect 2) self-conceit." The American Heritage Dictionary defines it as "Pride in oneself; self-respect." Roget's Thesaurus gives these synonyms, "A sense of one's own dignity or worth; pride, honor, ego, assertiveness, self-confidence, dignity, self-respect. An excessively high opinion of oneself; conceit, bigheadedness, egotism, superiority, self-admiration, self-adulation, self-love, self-regard, self-worship, vanity, self-importance." In other words, self-esteem is a fancier way of saying "pride." Your daughter has plenty of self-esteem. That is why she is demanding that things be done her way. Now read II Timothy 3:1-5 and see if that description sounds a bit too familiar.

Your job as a parent is not to instill self-esteem or pride in your child. The Christian's view of life is humility and concern for other people. It is not that we lack confidence, but we know that our confidence does not come from our own abilities, but from our confidence, or faith, in God.

The concern for self-esteem comes from the world. It is understandable that the world wants people to have pride because the world is under the influence of Satan. Pride is one of Satan's big tools to get people to sin. The San Jose Mercury-News, a while back, ran an article that started with this line: "Too much self-esteem -- not too little -- can be a key factor in determining aggressive and violent behavior." A bit later it was noted that the American Psychological Association "found aggressive people have unusually high self-esteem -- defined as 'a favorable global evaluation of oneself' -- especially when compared to their actual achievements." Did you know that the people in our jails have some of the highest self-esteem ratings?

See the following sermon outlines for more details:
Self-Esteem
The Sin of Pride
Thinking Highly of Self
Those with Positive Self-Esteem

So what if her behavior in front of her peers leads to her punishment? Who chose to behave badly, you or her? If her bad behavior requires a spanking, it doesn't mean she has to be spanked in front of her friends. But if you lead her off to her room, deliver the punishment, and she returns red-eyed, it won't take a brain surgeon to figure out what happened. If that puts a bit of fear in her friends -- good for you. If it embarrasses your daughter, then she is going to think long and hard before pulling that stunt again. Embarrassment is an effective tool for disciplining a child. See "Disciplining Children" for a list of verses on this and other methods.

Thank you for your long answers - after a couple days of thought and prayer we have started using your suggestions. We've picked two things to work on. We implemented spanking (three times ... but we made it sting) and WHAT A DIFFERENCE, once she got over the shock that we spanked her little princess behind ... lol.

We were confused as to moral and disciple training with all the different worldly views. Your writing made biblical morals and discipline so clear to us. I have sat down to read all the scriptures, just so you know. I found Self-Esteem, The Sin of Pride, and Isaiah 47:3; Jeremiah 13:26-27; Nahum 3:5-6 to be particularly interesting: What an eye opener! A child who has never had her will broken becomes a selfish child, and she will be throwing tantrums for the rest of her life. Our stepdaughter possesses an inflated self-esteem and is headed for disaster. She needs to go through a humbling to bring her back in line. To deflate her ego she needs to be shamed. Embarrassment should be a calculated part of her discipline, as it serves to teach her humility. Correct?

Today, she is still not behaving! She was sassy in front of two of her friends. So I calmly asked her if she wanted another spanking this week. I put her to bed a little early. She said, "You embarrassed me in front of my friends." I said, "You embarrassed me by speaking to me in that way. There would have been no embarrassment if you had spoken politely. If you want to avoid embarrassment in the future you will always speak politely to me."

I would like to ask, please: How would you deal with her sass if she was yours? She has stolen her grandmother's purse too and lied about various situations. Where can I find more on how to use
shame / embarrassment as a training tool?

Answer:

Remember that you have invested years worth of time "teaching" your daughter that she can do as she pleases. A lot of bad habits have been instilled which needs to be broken, but it will take time. They didn't build overnight and they certainly won't go away overnight either.

Embarrassment is a useful tool in some situations. The problem is that we tend to latch on to something that works and then try to use that same solution to every difficulty. I wanted you to see that you were overly concerned about your daughter's self-esteem and that concern was creating the situations you were facing. Scenes or bad behavior to "show-off" in front of friends are a good place to use embarrassment because children as sensitive to what others think about them. They want to believe they are grown-up, but they need to face the fact that their actions are childish. Hence, you don't follow the script. A calm response to a tantrum demonstrates that real adults don't throw tantrums. A no-tolerance approach shows that she can't manipulate the situation to get away with bad behavior.

It sounds like you made great strides in the past few days. Now you need to work on your resolve to outlast your daughter. Each bad behavior should be met with a reasonable punishment delivered in a reasonable amount of time. "Because the sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the sons of men is fully set in them to do evil" (Ecclesiastes 8:11).

Let me give you an example from my family's dog. We live in a suburban neighborhood, but we don't have a fenced in backyard, neither did several of my neighbors because we liked the look of the open space. Hence, we installed an "invisible fence" around the perimeter of the yard. We followed the training instructions, but at the end of the month, our dog would still fly through the boundary if he saw someone he badly wanted to see. He thought the momentary shock worth it. I just about gave up on the whole thing as being a waste of money, but after several more months, I noticed that he left the boundary less and less frequently. By the time a year was out, he wouldn't cross the boundary, no matter what. It took time, but the consistent punishment for crossing eventually wore down his stubbornness.

Your daughter is approaching the turbulent years of adolescence. Now is the time to be her emotional anchor. (Dads are particularly good at this, but Moms understand where their daughters are coming from and understand why emotional stability is needed.) A calm and consistent approach to any misbehavior is critical to getting her through these years safely, even when it appears you are not making any headway.

You asked me how I would handle your daughter if she were mine. The answer is that I would do exactly as I have been advising you. I don't treat my children any different than what I teach.

Stealing should be treated as any other bad behavior. The child should be made to return the stolen item along with an apology. I assume she took grandma's purse to help herself to something that was in it. What ever that was, she should replace it plus some extra. The Old Testament law required a thief to restore the item (or its full value if it was consumed) plus a fifth more (Leviticus 6:1-7), which should give you a good place to start. This would be in addition to some other punishment, such as a grounding, community service, or spanking. In no way should a child be allowed to profit from taking another person's possession.

Lying is generally done because the child believes she will be better off telling a lie than telling the truth. Your job is to make her understand that lies cause more problems than does the truth. When you discover that your daughter has lied, try to figure out what she thought was going to be the benefit and then use that as the basis of the punishment. For example, if she told you she dusted, but she had not, then it is obvious that her lie was to allow her to do as she pleased. The response would be that: one, she has to complete the task immediately; two, she will have other tasks to occupy her time for the next week; and three, her bed time will earlier for the next week. If your daughter lied so that she could spend more time with her friends, the response would be a grounding that included no phone calls or Internet time for a week.

Any backtalk or breaking of the punishment is calmly met with a more severe punishment, such as a spanking.

Thank you so much for this help. I see improvements when I’m consistent and predictable. We just gained full custody of our stepdaughter. We now have a long road ahead undoing early mistraining, but we trust in the Lord to guide us.

We have removed even the minor choices: which clothes to wear, which entertainment and books. I made all entertainment choices and brought them down to a bare minimum. She has to come to me and ask my permission for all things. When she surges, I bring her to account.

I would like to ask, please: What do you do with a child that after a spanking cries out in anger, runs to her room, slams her door, scream, yell, throws or hit things and cries, "I hate you!"?

Answer:

Removing all choices from your daughter does not prepare her for making choices when you are not around. Your goal should be raising a young woman who wants to serve God of her own free will. You don't want a a child who at the first moment of freedom runs off and leaves morality and the church behind.

Give your daughter a range of choices that you find acceptable. For instance, have her go shopping with you and talk about what makes a good clothing choice and what doesn't. Only purchase those things that you find acceptable. Then each morning she has freedom to select what she wants to wear, but her choices are limited to those things you find acceptable because that is all that is in her closet.

Similarly, you might state that she can select X number of movies per month, but they must be either G-rated or she has to ask your permission in advance. This gives her the freedom to choose, but allows you to monitor her choice. One thing we did was to stock our home with movies and books that my wife and I found acceptable. The children had free access to choose any of these items. Each month we went to the library or video store with them and we helped them locate good material. We always reserved the right to refuse to get something that we felt was unacceptable.

As she gradually demonstrates better choices, you can loosen the reigns gradually. Be sure to praise her when she makes a particularly good choice on her own.

Your daughter is used to getting her way with no consequences. It is reasonable to expect expressions of anger at being stymied for probably the first time in her life. Give her a bit of tolerant sympathy, but place limits on her self-expression. For example, I wouldn't permit violent expressions in my home - slamming doors, throwing, or hitting. When she calms down, explain to her that slamming doors is not permitted as it can cause damage. If she insists on continuing, you will remove the door for the next month. Now she is going to have to balance her desire to express rebellion with a loss of privacy in her room. One or two times is sufficient to cure this problem in most kids.

If she throws something, any damage is her responsibility to replace or repair. Hitting or throwing in my own home was immediate grounds for an additional spanking. Even though I raised four boys, all of whom are now black-belts in Tae Kwon Do, we have a very peaceful home. Not that we haven't had our share of problems, but hitting or throwing (outside of practice) has not been among them.

Beyond this, time is going to be your largest investment. She has a new situation to get used to and new rules to obey. It will take time for good habits to be established and bad habits to be broken. If you are willing to be consistent in applying the rules, she will gradually settle down into an new pattern of living.

My nine-year-old son doesn't want to sleep in his own bedroom. Is this good for his self-esteem?

Answer:

Self-esteem is just a nicer way to discuss pride (see Self-Esteem for more information). A Christian parent should not be concerned with developing or maintaining a child's pride.

The question should be, is it good for a child to be sleeping with his parents? There are cultures where families are unable to afford private sleeping areas for members of their family, but since you mention that he has his own bedroom, this is obviously not the case where you live. Even in cultures that share sleeping areas, they do not generally sharing their beds, except with their spouse. The reason we have private sleeping areas is because parents need their privacy. For example, while sexual activity is proper within a marriage (Hebrews 13:4), a child is better off not knowing about it. Also, a child needs to learn boundaries. There are proper and improper times to interrupt people and intrude on their lives. There are proper and improper behaviors to be displayed. Therefore, it is best to have your children sleep in their own beds.

In addtion, you must realize that soon your son will begin to develop sexually. He will want his privacy. It might be cute to have a small child cuddle up with you and fall asleep in your arms. But when that child becomes sexually developed it is no longer cute. The knowledge of good and evil intrudes on that relationship.

Under the Old Testament law there is a reason why there were laws that stated: "None of you shall approach anyone who is near of kin to him, to uncover his nakedness: I am the LORD. The nakedness of your father or the nakedness of your mother you shall not uncover. She is your mother; you shall not uncover her nakedness. The nakedness of your father's wife you shall not uncover; it is your father's nakedness. The nakedness of your sister, the daughter of your father, or the daughter of your mother, whether born at home or elsewhere, their nakedness you shall not uncover. ..." (Leviticus 18:6-9ff). It is not so much that God doesn't want family members to see one another without clothing, else changing a baby's diapers would become very difficult. The implication is not to see family members in a sexual way. Thus, as children develop they need to learn to keep their bodies private. Not that this is all that difficult, children naturally develop shyness about their bodies just before they reach puberty. Instead of being fought, it ought to be encouraged. Sharing a bed is too intimate for family members capable of having sex.

In relation to using the rod with our sons who are 14 and 10, we started to use a switch and made changes to the way we spanked about a year ago after reading the information on your website. We talked with the boys and we all decided to use spanking in certain acts of disobedience that was decided upon ahead of time. With our oldest it seems it is a constant struggle to get him to submit to a spanking. For instance, once he was late and he knew that to be late more than once would mean me using the rod of correction in addition to helping around the house as well. Brett, the oldest, refused to be spanked. The agreed set of swats was twenty with the rod for being late and for lying where he was at. His refusal to submit to be spanked earned him extra swats. My question is, how should spanking with the rod be used when a boy refuses to submit to one and how should multiple infractions that were agreed upon between parents and kids be handled when spanking was the chosen punishment?

When I must spank my youngest son, John, he doesn't stay over my knee and gets up before all of the swats have been given. I have problems with him putting his hands in front of the switch before it strikes his bottom. Thank you for the assistance.

Answer:

The difficulty with starting to spank at a late age is that initially children think it is not a big deal to be spanked. Thus they are willing to agree to just about any punishment so long as it remains "in theory." If you have been reading through this website, then you know that I recommend that spankings be reserved for acts of violence (hitting, throwing things, causing property damage, etc.) and acts of defiance. By defiance, I am not just talking about back talk, complaints or reluctance. Defiance is when the child knows he has done wrong and is daring you to do something about it. In these two cases, I believe that spanking is the only practical way of handling the problem.

Let's start with your fourteen year old. My guess is that Brett doesn't believe his staying out late was wrong. Thus he felt "justified" in refusing the punishment, even though it was agreed upon earlier. It is now after the fact, but what I would have recommended was giving him an alternative: either you will be home at supper time for the next month and you will be in your room each night at nine, or you can take twenty swats now. (His room by the way should have no entertainment, such as telephone, computer, radio, or television.) Breaking this curfew will either receive two additional days or five swats, his choice. By placing the decision to be spanked upon his shoulders, he will take the spankings if he thinks it is worth it. If he argues he shouldn't get either, then it is time to have a long talk. The talk should cover why what he did was wrong and why wrong behavior needs to be punished. Most teenagers understand this in theory. They just don't want it applied in their particular situation.

One time when I had a teenager balk at the choices, I mentioned that in twenty years or so, he will be a parent. If his child did this, how is he planning to handle it? The boy offered a very lame alternative, and I asked if he thought his offered punishment would be effective (i.e. would it change the bad behavior). He laugh and said "not likely." I then asked why he would do that to a child. Eventually we got back to the fact that he had no better alternative than what I offered. I reminded him that the question was not whether he liked it but whether knowing it would be administered, would it be deter him from misbehaving. He eventually made his pick.

As the boy's father, if he is reluctant to receive a spanking that is deserved, you will just have to decide to wait him out. Take him to his room, find a comfortable chair, and then let him know that you plan to be there until the spanking is finished, even if it takes all night. You don't have to argue or justify yourself. He might rant and rave, but he probably knows he deserves the spanking. Take the opportunity to listen to him. Sometimes a boy rebels against a punishment because he believes he didn't get a fair hearing. Answer him calmly, point out the flaws in his reasoning, but continue to wait. Eventually he will relent and in the future it will be easier because he will understand that you are being reasonable, though strict.

For your younger son, simply place your arm over the small of his back while he is bent over. He won't be able to easily get up from this position. If he tries blocking the switch, just calmly tell him to put his hands back down and then wait for him to do so. Eventually he will do so and you will be able to continue. The pause will not make that much difference in the effectiveness of the spanking.

Response:

Thanks for responding. Yesterday, when my wife went to pick up Brett from school, he was not where he was supposed to be. She eventually found him at a friend's house. His friend lives near the Christian school he attends. I sat him down and told him that this was totally unacceptable. I told him this punishment called for a spanking since that was the consequence for not being where he should have been. My wife and I agree I should give the spanking since he is an adolescent. After several hours, he bent over my lap and he told me he could take the 10 swats that where to be given out. I told him since this was a repeated performance it would mean 20 swats with the switch. As I spanked him my concern was that it was causing stripes on his bottom after 12 swats. I administered them one right after the other. Is there anyway to use the switch so that it doesn't leave marks on his bottom?

Brett and I have discussed that when he is being defiant, it is him who is choosing the spanking. So the spanking does rest on his shoulders.

Answer:

I hope that along with telling your son that going off was not acceptable, you gave him alternatives that would be acceptable, such as notifying you or your wife in advance. You want to leave it clear that visiting friends is not wrong, but not being where you are expected is wrong.

If by a mark, you are saying the skin is abraded, then you are using a switch that is too thin, which is causing a whipping action, or you are using too much force. A switch will have some give, but not so much that it bends around the bottom. Generally a switch about the diameter of your little finger will do the trick. Instead of swatting with your whole arm, just flick your wrist. The purpose of the rod is to sting, not to cause lasting damage. Many parents are surprised at first how little effort is needed to switch a child. To avoid bruising, vary where the swats land on the buttocks slightly. Even then, his bottom is going to be red for several hours, but it will clear up quickly.

"Do not withhold correction from a child, for if you beat him with a rod, he will not die. You shall beat him with a rod, and deliver his soul from hell." (Proverbs 23:13-14).

Response:

Yes, we did let our son know that it is okay to go his friend's homes as long as we know where he is at and to be where he should be when he is being picked up. After the spanking, Brett came up to me and apologized. He said would be where he was supposed to be when we pick him up from school. He also said that he thought he could get away with it, but now that he sees his parents united, he knows we mean what we say and that we will enforce it.

The problem was that the switch was too big. I went out and got another one the size of my little finger. Thanks for the help.

Response:

Just wanted to write and give you an update on my son. There were acts of further disobedience but as you suggested, my wife and I out waited Brett. He continued to defy his mom by not being in the place to be picked up and so we decided that he could take the church school bus home. However, he disobeyed and didn't ride it home. My wife called me at work and I had to take off to find him. He was over a friend's house without permission. His friend's parents had no idea that their son had allowed my son to come over. In addition to this, that morning he told his mom to back off. I took him home and we had a go around. I told him that this behavior was not acceptable. I told him to get into his room and wait for me as I went outside to cut and trim a fresh switch. I got alone and prayed before I went in to give him a spanking. Now this is the latest one that I gave because there were 2 other incidents that warranted Brett getting a spanking. When I went in this time I told him he would receive twenty swats. He refused and I just waited in his room. I told him the spanking will occur. After a while of going back and forth, he finally gave in and bent over my knee. I took the rod and switched his backside. He let out a big holler and then I just waited a couple of seconds and flicked my wrist with the switch again across his bottom. He said, "Ouch, Dad that hurts." After four more swats he jumped up and said, "Please dad no more." He was crying and I just got up to leave the room. I did some praying with my wife and we just let him stay in his room. After thinking we finally made a point, Brett was still grounded and he left the house to go with a friend to the arcade. When my wife found him, he got mad at her and he punched his little brother. My question is, was I wrong not to continue to deliver the twenty swats? If I was, what is a way to keep in bent over to receive the remaining swats?

How would you suggest handling this latest incident? On another note, there were so many things you hit upon that I reflected and thought about each one. I know of being consistent is one important point. I am determined to out wait him with God's help.

Answer:

Perhaps you thought to be merciful by reducing the number of swats, but you caused several side effects:
1) You said the number of swats would be twenty, but you didn't keep your word. If you wanted to reduce the number, you should have said so before hand, not after starting.
2) Your son did not believe he deserved the spanking, so he would not perceive your action as merciful, just weak.
3) Your son discovered that by screaming loud, he can get you to relent. He won't forget that any time soon.

Raising Godly Children in a Wicked World

See Also:

Nine to Fifteen-Year-Olds

Teaching Self-control

Additional Material

Age Appropriate Tasks

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