Question:

I'm 20 years old and have yet to be able to use a tampon. I had it checked out by my doctor and she first said I had a 'tough hymen' she checked it out about a year later and said I just had strong vaginal muscles. My boyfriend and I are talking about getting married and I'm worried about our wedding night. When I get married will I be able to have sex?

Answer:

I did a little research on this problem and found this discussion on one web site:

Vaginismus

This is a disorder in which the muscles surrounding the outer third of the vagina opening go into involuntary spasms making sexual intercourse difficult or impossible. In addition, women with this condition may have difficulty using tampons and having a gynecological exams. Attempting sexual penetration may lead to pain, humiliation, feeling inadequate or fear of having sex.

Sexual abuse from childhood, rape or a painful first sexual experience is the most common psychological causes of vaginismus (a defense against recalling the painful memories). Other psychological causes are negative messages about sex, or premarital sex from parents or other sources, belief that one's vagina is too small and fear or guilt concerning intercourse or frightening childhood medical procedures. Other factors may be: fear of intimacy, fear of pregnancy and a woman unconsciously expressing anger towards her partner.

What I take from this is that some women, because of either bad past experience or strong emotional response to things of a sexual nature, end up triggering a strong reflexive response without conscience thought. The answer then lies in the skill of your husband to help you relax. You too, knowing that you have this response, can start working at training yourself. For you, I would suggest that periodically you place a finger at the entrance of your vagina, and then start figuring out what muscles you need to relax. Don't get frustrated that it might take a bit to find them. Kegel exercises would also help because it helps you isolate the muscles that are being pulled tight. Once you know which ones they are, then you can make a conscience effort to cause them to relax.

For your husband, he needs to be told in advance that you have this problem. There are many things he can do slow down sexual intercourse and help you relax. Knowing what he will be facing in advance, he won't become frustrated, blame himself, or accidentally injure you. I would suggest that he talk to someone knowledgeable about sexual matters that he can trust a few months before your actual marriage. Please be careful who he selects. Bad advice can get the two of you off to a bad start.