The Worse Lies
“The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we're afraid. We fear we will not find love, and when we find it we fear we'll lose it. We fear that if we do not have love we will be unhappy.” [Richard Bach, author of Jonathan Livingston Seagull].
Lying and drug use go hand in hand. Constantly doing things that he know are wrong naturally leads a person to covering up his sins with lies. Every addict that I've met has been an accomplished liar.
Destroy the barrier between truth and falsehood and you start having trouble knowing when you are hearing the truth. "An evildoer gives heed to false lips; a liar listens eagerly to a spiteful tongue" (Proverbs 17:4). I've always found this difficult to deal with in you and others. A habitual liar has a preference to believe a lie over the truth. It is simply because he has told so many lies that he is more comfortable with them.
Thus, when you told me were going to try staying off drugs, I told you that you were lying. You planned to continue to hang around friends that you knew used drugs and you went off with your father who has been an addict for decades. That action did not match your words. It was a lie that you told yourself; a lie that you preferred to believe than face the truth that you had become an addict. "They trust in empty words and speak lies; They conceive evil and bring forth iniquity" (Isaiah 59:4). I know this is one reason you prefer the company of fellow drug users; you would rather hear their lies telling you that you are perfectly fine than face the truth that you have been going down hill rapidly. "For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine, but according to their own desires, because they have itching ears, they will heap up for themselves teachers; and they will turn their ears away from the truth, and be turned aside to fables" (II Timothy 4:3-4).
Your family and friends have asked you repeatedly to commit to not buying drugs. You lie to them and yourself saying you'll stop buying bags, knowing you'll accept "gifts" of pot and buying hits. Eventually the temptation gets too much and you buy another bag, so you lie to yourself that this will be the last one.
From what I hear, you are continuing to lie to yourself. Your brethren asked if you are committed to stopping your drug use and you tell yourself another lie. You say that you can't promise that you will never use drugs again. "But that is true! I don't know if I might fall to temptation again. And given my track record, I'm likely to do it again!" But it is the same time of lie where you are playing word games with yourself. Your brethren wanted to hear a commitment to treading the path of righteousness. You respond that you can't stay on the path. Well, none of us can. "If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us" (I John 1:8). But the difference between a child of God and a child of sin is that the child of God is committed to getting back on the path each time he strays. The child of sin doesn't try to stay on the path. So you've told yourself a lie -- it is too hard -- because you focused on perfection instead of commitment.
My dear friend, stop all the lies. You've slowed down on the lies you tell others, now stop lying to yourself. You can commit to living a life without drugs. It doesn't mean you might not slip, but if you are committed, then you will do everything you can to get back on track. That is what your mother did. She's an example that it can be done. If she can do it, I have no doubts that her son can do it as well.