The other day I spent the night with an escort but did not have sex. I am still a virgin in my 30's. I did, however, receive protected oral sex for several minutes. Since then I have had immense guilt over it.
I have had depression since I was a teenager and have many more times than I can count gotten on my knees and begged for God to help me. Even though I believe very strongly in God I have never felt that He has been in my life. I hate my existence on this planet. I go to bed every night praying for death. I wake up every morning angry that I am still alive. I have had the thought that I am going to hell for the crime against God of being conceived. My existence is a crime against God.
Am I going to hell for seeing the escort?
Too often people focus on avoiding one sin and never consider all the sins that lead up to it. In a sense, that is what was behind Jesus' teaching. "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery'; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:27-28). The Jews had taken the commandment to not commit adultery and told each other that as long as they were not having sex with a married person that they were acceptable in God's eyes. Even today there are Jewish scholars who argue that sex between unmarried people is not wrong because it isn't adultery. But it shows a complete misunderstanding of sin.
"Do not enter the path of the wicked and do not proceed in the way of evil men. Avoid it, do not pass by it; turn away from it and pass on" (Proverbs 4:13-14).
Why is it so important not only to not start down the path of the wicked, but to avoid it all together? Paths lead to a particular destination. If you don't want to reach Chicago, you don't start walking the path that heads there.
Jesus' point is that adultery did not start with the physical joining of a man an woman. It started long before. When a person starts lusting for a sin -- strongly desiring to sin to the point that they make up excuses as to why that sin won't be too bad -- they already have committed a sin. True, it isn't the actual act of adultery, but it is still a sin and it is just as bad.
Fornication doesn't start when a man goes into a woman. Sins leading up to fornication started long before. Given the prevalence of pornography these days, I would guess that you have been involved in sexual lust and pornography for quite a while, but these are sins (Mark 7:21-23; I Thessalonians 4:3-5). This led you to hiring a prostitute, but that sounds too crash, so you called her an escort; yet, prostitution is also a sin. You inappropriately touched her and allowed her to touch you sexually (I Corinthians 7:1). You behaved in lewd ways (acting like animals) (Romans 13:13-14). You participated in oral sex, which is really a form of fornication.
I'm not trying to be hard on you. I'm trying to be clear with you about how deeply you got yourself into sin -- all while trying to avoid sexual intercourse. Understand what happened then also clarifies what needs to be done to get out of these sins and repent (II Corinthians 7:10-11; I John 1:9).
You can't just go part way. You need to extract yourself completely. Erase all the contact information for this woman. Block her number if necessary. Stop looking at pornography and if needed install Internet filtering software help keep you from accidentally going to porn sites.
"For this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments; and His commandments are not burdensome" (I John 5:3).
Christianity is not a religion of feelings. It is a religion of knowledge. When you know you are doing all that God commanded, then you know you are close to God.
"By this we know that we have come to know Him, if we keep His commandments. The one who says, "I have come to know Him," and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him; but whoever keeps His word, in him the love of God has truly been perfected. By this we know that we are in Him: the one who says he abides in Him ought himself to walk in the same manner as He walked" (I John 2:3-6).
Feelings change. They come and go. They are totally unreliable (Proverbs 28:26). Truth is fixed. It isn't that Christianity doesn't have emotions, but rather the emotions we experience follow our decisions. Emotions are not the cause of our decisions.
You hired a prostitute because you followed your emotions. If you had stopped and asked yourself, "What would God want me to do?", you would have not called the prostitute.
You have been asking for God's help and that help is right there in your Bible. Have you spent time reading it and studying it? It is by reading the Bible that we listen to God.
Life here is a journey to a better place. None of us ask to be here, but there is no reason you can't enjoy the time you have while you are here. I'm sorry about the depression you experience. Your existence is not a crime, it was a blessing to your parents (Psalms 127:3). God made you and God wants you, so try to find it in your heart not to grumble against your Maker.