I knew my sin was wrong. I kept doing it, and 'repenting' almost every day, but planning on doing the same sexual sin the next day. God was calling me to repent. I finally tried to stop sinning and came to Him. He forgave me, and I was born again. I wanted to praise Jesus.
This didn't even last long though. After a while I did the sin again, even after I has been freed from it. I didn't really put up a fight. I kept sinning. Finally, I stopped.
After that, I never did it again, not because I resisted temptation, but because I wasn't tempted to do it. I'm scared that the reason why is because I'm already condemned to hell, and Satan doesn't need to try to pull me in anymore, he already has me. I asked for forgiveness, but still had a weight in my chest.
After that, I felt 'fine', my conscience wasn't convicting me, nor did I really want to draw close to God. I went on like that. Then, I was praying for God to help me on a problem I had with Satan giving me bad thoughts. He made a sermon just for me at church, but I still get those thoughts and still have a weight in my chest.
I confessed all my sins to God and even to an older person. But I don't see any spiritual growth. I'm so scared, angry and have a weight in my chest. One night, I couldn't sleep. I opened my Bible, and somehow it just kept turning to passages that show that once you sin deliberately after receiving Jesus, there's no more forgiveness. I asked God to forgive me, but He just won't. I went so long with a seared conscience, and I realize that road leads to Hell. But, I ask Him for forgiveness now and it won't come. Somehow, I know that I can't be forgiven. I don't have any peace or joy or love in my heart, I'm so scared and sad. God won't forgive me, and I know I've put myself here by not giving up that sin. It says many times in the Bible that if we leave Christ after knowing Him, we are condemned already. What should I do?
I'm glad you put "repenting" in quotes because while you had sorrow about your sins, you never really repented. Paul repentance as: "For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter" (II Corinthians 7:11). Repentance is triggered by sorrow, but it is not the sorrow. Repentance is:
- Diligence: Eagerness, speed, hard work, and care all wrapped up into a single effort.
- Clearing of yourself: A plea for forgiveness
- Indignation: Anger at the sin
- Fear: Being scared of the consequences if you don't change
- Vehement desire: A sincere, earnest desire to be different
- Zeal: A fiery effort to change
- Vindication: Evidence that a change has actually taken place
Repentance is such a disgust of a sin that a person will make radical changes to stay out of sin.
You stopped sinning, which is good. You no longer sin, but is it because you don't want to sin anymore or is it because you no longer have the opportunities or press to sin as you had in the past?
But once you've changed, to continue to carry the burden of sin is to tell God that you don't believe in His forgiveness. "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (I John 1:9). God is faithful. He is absolutely trustworthy to keep His promises. God doesn't push people away. People walk away from God because they sin. To state that God won't forgive a sinner who has returned to Him is to not know the living God.
""Therefore I will judge you, O house of Israel, each according to his conduct," declares the Lord GOD. "Repent and turn away from all your transgressions, so that iniquity may not become a stumbling block to you. "Cast away from you all your transgressions which you have committed and make yourselves a new heart and a new spirit! For why will you die, O house of Israel? For I have no pleasure in the death of anyone who dies," declares the Lord GOD. "Therefore, repent and live"" (Ezekiel 18:30-32).