I feel like I'm the worst person in the world

Question:

Good day sir,

I came across your page and the contents of it really touched me. I have a problem, but the solution seems very difficult a road for me to take. Looking back at my life, there are a lot of things I stood against only for me to eventually become a partaker in it.

I have always thought I was a loner -- not many friends and not much affection was shown toward me, but I kept on hoping that tomorrow would be better. Most of the time it wasn't. I found out that sleeping was helping me get through each day; however, many years later I think I was depressed. I studied depression and tried to help myself by practicing the things I learned, which involved going out and changing your fate.

Somewhere along the line, I met a girl. She claimed to love me, even though I didn't love her, but so much felt that way. After a long time we decided to date. Our dates didn't involve much of anything because I would usually not go beyond kissing her. As time passed, my partner was asking for more sexual actions from me, which I turned down many times, until I ended the relationship.

I later met an old school friend, a lady, who after much talking expressed her affection for me. I didn't want to break her heart, so I dated her and still didn't go beyond kissing, even though she said she didn't mind sex. That relation I was also able to overcome when I relocated to another area and broke up with her.

Another lady then came along. This time she is a colleague. We are both from different regions. We got to talking, and she opted to visit me. I stay alone in a one room apartment. Where she came from was very far, although I didn't know it at the time. She stayed at my place for the night, and I was very innocent with my thoughts, until she asked for a kiss. I gave her one, but she kept asking for more actions as well, which I declined. The lady began crying bitterly, and I was confused and sad because It was her first visit. I told her the reasons why I didn't want to do it -- both biblical and moral reasons. She stayed many more days, only to cry most night.

Eventually I succumbed. I like her. Ever since we started dating, we have had sex many times. I have tried to convince myself that I wasn't lusting over her, and at times I pray to God to please give me the means to marry her else I be termed a sinner. Each time, sir, it's as though I can't resist her. Then she got pregnant. I wasn't ready. I didn't know what to do. I stay with relatives who sent me to school. I am barely making a living. I would spare you the story to tell you, sir, that I'm a sinner and humbly ask for your prayers because I had to abort the baby with an abortion pill. It was a very sad decision I had to make. But I intend to marry the lady seeing all we have been through. I continue to pray to God for forgiveness and the means to marry her.

Please advise me. I feel like I'm the worst person in the world. Yet, I ask you to please pray for me.


Answer:

First, let's remove all the excuses and look at what actually happened. You have been committing fornication. It eventually led to a pregnancy, and so you murdered your child because having a child wasn't convenient.

Intent doesn't change the facts. You have an intention of marrying this woman, but the fact is that you are having sex with her without being married. While you could have gotten married, you put it off because you believe you can't afford it. Still, lack of funds doesn't stop you from having a woman live with you and having sex with her.

You also lie to yourself, telling yourself that all this sex isn't about lust. Clearly lust of the flesh (I John 2:16) is involved in your decision to have sex with someone you are not married to. You told yourself the first time that you were just trying to make her happy, but it really was about giving in to manipulation.

Don't marry a woman because you sinned with her, or because you got her pregnant. Marry a woman because you want to spend the rest of your life with her. While you are trying to make up your mind, you cannot have her over to your apartment. You have to limit seeing her in public places. Even after you have decided, you must get married first before going to bed with her.

While money is tight, it doesn't mean you can't find a way to marry and live with the woman you love. You will have two people working towards a common goal instead of just one. There will be rough times, but marriage is about overcoming problems together.

Therefore, stop the excuses and put God first. The rest will work out.

The thought that I murdered my child, as you have put it, makes me very sad. I don't even know if I can just forget it and live on. I appreciate your response to my situation.

I must be honest that at this time I feel like I can't limit seeing the lady in question. This is because, all of a sudden, I feel like I should be extra supportive, and personally I just miss her presence. The sex part is no longer a thing. We are holding back now.

I have a mixed feeling about the whole thing (confused, afraid, judged at times, neglected). I just want to see straight again. I was hoping I would talk to her about supporting each other to a goal of marriage. I have yet to do that.

My pledge: No more excuses.

"No more excuses" needs to include discussing marriage with this woman. Leaving things open-ended increases the temptation to have sex. Knowing there is an end point gives you the courage to hold out. You can't let your fears of her possible rejection of you keep you from finding out if she is interested in marrying you or not. If she isn't, then it is time to move on instead of continually tempting yourself.