If God were interested in me, then maybe I would be motivated to change

Question:

I just read an article about an unrepentant person - a person who just doesn't feel like repenting, but believed he is a Christian. You implied that He was going to Hell. Well, I'm a little stuck at the moment.

When I was 12 I realized that the crucifixion was a great sacrifice - a free gift. I told God that I was sorry for for all of my sins against Him. I asked Him to forgive it all - to cleanse me and come into my heart as my Savior.

Now, I'm constantly discouraged. I rebel, I'm dishonest, I give into lust whenever I can just to escape the reality of feeling lonely, unknown, and unloved. It's wrong. It offends God. But I just want to stop hurting. I've grown weary of attempting to overcome selfishness and sin only to fail every time.

Do I want to stop sinning and being self-centered? Do I want to stop putting my desires as my priority? Do I feel guilty? What can I say? Perhaps I would. If I believed with all my heart that God is completely loving and good. If I believed that I am so personally special and adored by Him - not less than anyone - even Himself.

But what do I believe? Maybe He's indifferent of me. Maybe my aches and pains don't touch Him at all. Maybe I'm such a filthy, sinful, rebellious disappointment that He's sick of me and is somewhat pleased with my sufferings, thinking, "Serves her right." Maybe I'm His least favorite person. Maybe He just doesn't care and I'm not important to Him at all.

What do I believe? To sum it up: I'm just not sure. According to all the painful circumstances and internal suffering, I think I've been abandoned and hated by God. If that's the case, I couldn't care less about pleasing Him. If He won't care to give me understanding, help me, or heal me, I'll do whatever it takes to get as much pleasure as I can in my suffering, lonely life. According to what the Bible and Spirit-filled Christians say, I might just for some reason be adored by God enough for Him to have Jesus be tortured for a chance for me to receive freedom and everlasting satisfaction someday. If that's the case, I want to be His best friend, and never let Him down. I'm just so doubtful and confused about everything. It feels like there's no hope of getting out of this hole I'm stuck in.


Answer:

You did hit the core of your problem. "And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him" (Hebrews 11:6). You don't believe that God rewards those who seek Him, so you've decided it isn't worth making an effort. But then you decide that your unbelief is God's problem.

The only you know anything about God is because of what God has revealed to us through the Bible. But you don't trust that source. Instead, you put emphasis on your doubts; therefore, you make yourself the greatest determiner of truth. No wonder you are stuck. You can't lift yourself up.

The Bible is the truth (John 17:17), but until you trust that fact, you'll remain stuck. Being a Christian is not about taking the easy road or the path of least resistance. It is realizing that there is a better life, so much better that it is worth every effort I can give to reach it.

I'm not sure if I have the power to force myself to believe what is hard for me to believe or to eliminate certain doubts. I guess you can say it's my fault for believing the wrong things or not having enough faith to believe the right things. But since faith is supposed to be a gift from God, I guess I'll try to strengthen what little faith I have and continue to seek for answers and for God.

I don't know if you care about whether I'm going to heaven or hell, but since you seem to have a strong faith, maybe if you say a quick prayer for me, it would move God's hand or something.

Thank you for responding.

Once again, you express that it is God's fault that you don't believe. Faith is not a gift of God. "For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God" (Ephesians 2:8). It is salvation that is a gift of God. That salvation is gained through faith, but faith doesn't earn salvation, it remains a gift from God.

Faith comes from knowing the teachings of God. "So faith comes from hearing, and hearing by the word of Christ" (Romans 10:17). The more you truly learn from God, the greater your trust in God will grow.

God's hand has already moved. Salvation is offered to everyone freely and equally. What needs to move is yourself.