I truly enjoy the insight given on your web site.
I am normally a very positive person, and when I'm around people I am the one encouraging them to keep going, to keep pushing forward. However, when I am alone and I allow myself to think for enough time, and I really don't see what my worth is. The only reasons that I would never end my life are because I don't want to go to hell and partially because I would hurt my family and friends. I feel as though I am not good enough, which I am not and I know that. It's just hard for me to get past that. It's hard to not feel like a failure when I know that I will never be "good" (there is no one good but God) and I don't feel like I will ever be righteous. And some days I'm just lazy because I feel like what's the point, you know I will not be good at anything I do. All of my attempts are futile.
How do I come to the point where I don't feel like wasted space? How do I come to the point where I don't wish I were never born or wish I would've died as a child (before I came to an age of understanding about the gospel)? I want to appreciate what God did for me, but it's hard for me to accept being created in a way where I will never be acceptable. I've been created imperfectly, set up for failure, and my entire life evolves around pushing past this boulder I've been given from the start. If given the choice, I would have never asked to be here.
This is one reason my desire to have many children has gotten me questioning whether I want to bring anyone else into this harsh life. I would feel so selfish.
Your note reads like someone dealing with depression. It is filled with feelings without any objective points. You talk of failing, but never indicate what you think you are failing at. You claim you've been set up for failure, which is not true, but it also blames God, which is not reasonable. See: Who Is Responsible for Sin?
This life isn't about your feelings. It is about serving God. "The conclusion, when all has been heard, is: fear God and keep His commandments, because this applies to every person" (Ecclesiastes 12:13). Life isn't about being good enough -- that is a view that is trying to earn your way to heaven. It is about choosing to conform your will to the will of God. "I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me" (Galatians 2:20). God isn't looking for perfection (I John 1:8-2:1). He desires people who strive to be better
What is missing are goals. You have a short time here on earth, so what will you accomplish with that time? How can you make another person's life better for having known you? You hint that you do some of this, but like most depressed people, you discount what you do accomplish as worthless. In a sense, you believe that since you do it, it must be common and not all that valuable. Thus, you judge yourself unfairly.