I am a mother of a teenage boy. I was traditionally married to his late father who died over a decade ago.
I always find myself falling into the same sin: I cannot resist sex. I am HIV positive, and I always tell that to my partner. I am a Christian and have tried to fight this sin on own and every time I fail. The man I just had sex with for the second time now has said nothing about marriage. He says he is single and that I should not ask many questions. He knows more about me than I about him. We meet at my home. I am not comfortable with what I am doing. After the first sexual encounter, I convinced myself that I hated him, and that we will never do it again, but a few weeks later I fell into the same sin. I have been truthful to myself: I like this man because he accepts me as I am and doesn't make a fuss about my HIV status, unlike the men before, but I do not want to keep having sex with him because I know full well as a Christian I shouldn't be doing it.
Am I cursed? I never knew my biological father; hence I succumb to any man who shows interest to me. I feel a love. I think it's a dillusion of fatherly love.
My son is in boarding school so I am lonely and yearn for someone to accept me. I wish to get married one day but because of my HIV status I always short change my worth. I have never had sex for money but just to fulfil my lustful flesh.
Can this ever end? I let myself be used, and it breaks my heart.
I need to be blunt: You are a fornicator pretending to be a Christian while living a life that will send you to hell. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10). This does not have to be.
You are totally wrong when you claim that you cannot stop yourself. "No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it" (I Corinthians 10:13). There is always a way that doesn't involve sin -- God guarantees it. God also makes sure that you are able to say "no" to any sin. The only reason you are sinning is because of your own free choice.
I believe you pinpointed the reason. You wrongly think that a man having sex with you means that he accepts and loves you. His act of sex is mere selfishness, just as you are using him for your own selfish reasons. "Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body" (I Corinthians 6:18). Notice that every man doesn't stay long. You never really get what you are looking for, but you lie to yourself that if you keep doing the same thing, eventually you'll get one to stay.
But it all comes down to the fact that you are not putting God first in your life. Having sex is not worth eternity in hell. "For there are eunuchs who were born thus from their mother's womb, and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He who is able to accept it, let him accept it" (Matthew 19:12).
Thank you for that honest response. I don't want to go to hell. I am purposing now not to fall to the same sin again because already I feel like I am living in hell. Already this has drastically effected my prayer life. My question is: Is there a chance for me to make things right with God?
Wow, that's enlightening! I am truly and honestly purposing to repent. Thank you for the word.