I am a 22 year old woman who is having a crisis. I have spoken and confessed to God my transgressions for my sins against Him and others; and yet, fear still takes hold of me. How can I cleanse both my mind, heart and soul of this taint? I still feel guilt over what happened with both my mother and my grandmother when I was a teenager. I couldn't bear to look at my mother during her final moments, and I pushed my grandmother away the day after. I tried to rationalize it by saying it was for the best. I was only a teenager and the next person to take care of me was my father. How could I do that? How can I make up to my mother, grandmother, father and God with what I have done?
Just recently one of my cousins forsook God. It's not my place to say, but I worry for her and my family. There are days when I question God and the angels. Does that make me a bad person? What kind of daughter or granddaughter buries herself with her addictions in the face of death? A bad one that's what.
But I am sorry, though it is too late to apologize to both my mother and grandmother. I wish I could hug them one last time. I wish I could tell them I am sorry and that I love them, even though I wasn't there when they needed me. The dark thoughts and visions are scaring me. I want those evil thoughts and images to go away.
You are a bit vague about what happened, but what I gather is that when your mother was dying, you did not want to see her die, so you did not visit her. When your grandmother tried to comfort you after your mother's death, you pushed her away as well. I am not certain what you mean by "buries herself with her addictions." Are you saying that you were involved in drugs?
Regardless, when you realize you have been doing wrong, the proper response is to change, not wallow in your grief. Become the person you should be. "For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter" (II Corinthians 7:10-11).
It is proper to be concerned about someone who has left the safety of God. But again, sitting on your hands while worrying about what is happening doesn't help your cousin. Go talk to her about your fears for her.
Doubt just means you are lacking faith. There are days when all of us do not have as much faith as we should. It does mean we are bad people, but simply people who need to grow. Again, it is not about wallowing in self-pity, but getting up and doing something about the doubts. "Be diligent to present yourself approved to God, a worker who does not need to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth" (II Timothy 2:15).