Question:

Hello,

I am mother of three children. Their father left us to go and look for green pastures (I mean daily bread) in another country. He promised to come back and we would marry since we lived in sin for a long time. Due to poverty we couldn't afford the marriage ceremony and dowry.

He came back after three years. Unfortunately he came back for the giving way ceremony for another girl. I felt bad when he broke his promise because I had kept myself up to now for him. They had their introduction to her family, it was successfully, and went back together, so I stayed here with my children. Thank God he pays their school tuition and meals.

I later hear that he impregnated another girl and this girl has given birth to twins. His wife heard about it and chased him out of the house. She no longer wants him. The mother of the twins needs his help because she can't take care of the two babies alone and is not ready to share a man.

Since childhood my prayer has been to stay with one man and not sharing a man too. Now the father of my children wants to clear his mess and settle with me. But I keep on thinking there's an obligation to the twins which will take him back. I want to stop the fornication life I have been living.

Please advise me. Thanks.


Answer:

I'm puzzled. You want to stop committing fornication, but you are considering marrying a man who has broken his wedding vows by committing adultery with another woman. "Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced from her husband commits adultery" (Luke 16:18). This man made his choices, bad though they were, and now he must live with the consequences. He has no right to another marriage until the after his current wife dies. To marry him would mean you would be committing adultery because God has not released him from is marriage vows.

You seem to imply an acceptance for polygamy, but that too is a sin. It is just another form of adultery. Marriage is for one man and one woman. "And He answered and said to them, "Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate" (Matthew 19:4-6).

Find yourself a real man who honors God and his wife by marrying her before going to bed with her.

Hello Jeffrey,

I am glad you were able to share with me. I don't have someone to talk to here.

The father of my children isn't married yet, he was just introduced to the girl's family; just as I introduced him when I first meet him to my family with an introduction ceremony. Only by then we didn't have money, so he didn't take more things like he did to this girl.

I am not good at writing explanations. That's why I wrote this second time because the first letter I felt I was mistaken.

I am trying to say I don't want to have my children living with another man. Will this man ever change or should I move on? I am confused.

I apologize for misunderstanding the terms you used. We don't use introduction ceremonies in my country, so I didn't realize the significance of what you had said.

I cannot predict whether this man will change or not. He has already planned to marry two women, had sex with them before marriage, and on the side got a third woman pregnant. He does not show any characteristics of a stable family man. If you are convinced that he will no longer be having sex with other women, then the choice is up to you. If he is going to continue drifting from bed to bed, you would be better off without him.

Even if he does settle down with you, he still has financial responsibilities to the other two children he has fathered, just as he has responsibilities to your children. That will not go away. The question you have to ask yourself is if you can accept that some of his income will be going to support the other children.

These are questions I cannot answer for you. You'll have to decide whether he is sincerely settling down or not.

Hello,

Thank you very much for being there and helping me by talking about my condition. God bless you.

I am praying that I forgive him for how he has hurt me and forget all he has done. It's disturbing my mind because I well know that if I don't forgive him then my God in heaven won't forgive me.

He wants to settle with us and leave the other women, especially the mother of the twins because she's married and lives with her husband. He was planning to introduce the twins to my children, but I am not buying the idea. I am raising my children to be Christians. They well know that having Jesus in the family leads to a happy home, and they strongly believe in a monogamous family. They well know that the Bible condemns having two wives or two husbands. Now if their dad introduces these twins to them, they will know that he violated the Ten Commandments and committed adultery.

My children don't know that I am not married. They know that all mothers get married first, then have children. I alway find it hard to reveal or talk about it. Is this really the right time for my children to know about the twins? I've already three children, if I get another man to marry me, this man will also want children and I wouldn't love having children with different men. I am thinking I will stay single and look after my children or try to trust this man. I am puzzled! Please how can I trust this man? Do you have some ideas, please? Thanks.

Not to justify this man in any way, but your children already know that both you and he have violated God's commands because you committed fornication. That fornication is wrong is a derivation from the command "You shall not commit adultery." See: Thou Shalt Not for more details. I know you have avoided telling them that you never got married, but clearly they realize they don't have a dad living with them, so they know something is wrong.

You didn't mention that he had committed adultery with the third woman. While he is financially responsible for the two children, you are correct that he doesn't need to be involved in their lives. They have a mother and father, though that marriage is in jeopardy because of what he had done. The twins do not need another father in their lives.

I have no ideas how you can trust a man who has proven he is not trustworthy. I you think he has truly changed and want to marry him, do so, but make it clear that if he has sex with anyone else that the marriage will immediately end. That might give him incentive to behave.