Question:

Hello,

I seem to have a very unique situation, as I cannot find anything like it other than on atheist web sites and, well, that is advice I do not want.

My girlfriend and I have only been together for a short amount of time (6 months) but due to my lease running up at my apartment, I moved in with her about two months ago. We are both Christians and have made many attempts to both try to get back in the routine of constantly going to church and stop sinning (extreme physical interaction).

We blinding went through with all of this and felt okay with it until my girlfriend finally confessed what we have been doing to her religious mother. The next day she came to me and said I needed to move out, we needed to break up and we needed to cut off communication completely, forever. I agree that we were living in sin and I wanted to move out, but I also wanted to work on fixing everything else and become dedicated Christians again.

Sadly, she has reduced my only contact with her to talking through her father. I have noticed that he does not relay any of my messages. I directly contacted her on social media and sent her a lengthy note explaining how bad I felt about everything, how I wanted to fix it and be a religious man and role model that she needs me to be. She did not reply until I messaged her again today politely requesting some of my stuff back. She left it at her parent's house and told me to deal with them if I wanted it back.

I do not understand why she is not giving me a chance. I spoke with her mother when I picked up her stuff and she basically just said exactly what my girlfriend told me during the break up. She told me to learn from my mistakes and apply that to my next relationship. I then asked her, if I was supposed to give up every time a mistake was made in a relationship, and she was stumped. I then continued on saying that Christ teaches us to repent of our sins and we will be forgiven. She was left speechless.

I just want to fix things with my girlfriend, show her that I am the religious man that she wants and let her give me a second chance to prove that I can do things right. What do I do?

Every other web site tells me to give up, but this girl is perfect for me. I do not want to accept giving up. Are there any verses that can help show her that this can work?

Thank you so much!


Answer:

There are tons of verses that show that being a true Christian is about radical changes. For example, "What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it? Or do you not know that as many of us as were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death? Therefore we were buried with Him through baptism into death, that just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life. For if we have been united together in the likeness of His death, certainly we also shall be in the likeness of His resurrection, knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin. For he who has died has been freed from sin" (Romans 6:1-7). The problem, though, is that you were claiming to be a Christian while you were behaving in a worldly fashion. Thus, she doesn't trust your claim that you are going to change based on your past behavior. For all she knows, you are only saying this to be able to lure her into having sex with you.

Consider that it was she who said you had to move out and that your behavior had to change. It appears she made all the changes and if had not, you would have been content continuing with things as they were.

I also suspect that she doesn't trust herself. After all, she allowed you to move in and consented to improper actions up until her mother objected. That is why she has put her parents between her and you. She is afraid you will talk her out of her resolve. But along with this, it is easier to place all the blame on you. Most people don't want to admit they were wrong, so it is all your fault in her mind. That is why she decided it had to be completely ended.

A third aspect is that you two only knew each other for six months. Sex quickly entered the picture so the vast majority of this relationship was not about the two of you being best of friends. Sexual attraction dominated your time together and left real relationship shallow and stunted. See Marriage's Glue.

Could it be fixed? Yes. Can you convince her to spend the time fixing the problems? It doesn't sound likely, especially with her parents telling her to stay away from you.

This, too, might indicate a problem. It sounds like you are trying to force her to accept you, which is forgetting that she has an equal say in whether this relationship should continue or not. I know you see her as the perfect woman for you, but she also has to be convinced that you are the perfect man for her.

I don't know what the future holds between you and her, but there are still things you can do. You admit that you haven't been a faithful Christian. That is something you can change and work on. Sure, it would be easier and more exciting if she were encouraging you in your growth, but this is really something you need to do for yourself and for your Lord.

For future reference see: How do we avoid the temptation to have sex?