Question:

I am in a relationship with my girlfriend for the past six months. I knew her for more than two years but never had her as my girlfriend. I love her very much, and I feel that she is the one. She also tells me that she loves me very much, more than I do, and that I am the perfect guy for her.

Recently she confessed to me that she had lost her virginity when she was 16 and that she even had pills for anti-pregnancy, which hurt her physically and mentally. After breaking up with him she again had a relationship with another guy with whom she also had a sexual relationship. This second guy also ditched her recently after a two year relationship with her. Now I am the third person in her life.

I am very much upset and depressed. Indeed I feel excruciating pain to have learned about her past experiences. I always thought I was her first love. I respect her so much before I knew her past. I saw her as my soul mate.

I had a girlfriend, too, in high school, but I was not in a sexual relationship, since I know very well sex before marriage is a sin. That's why I am still a virgin. Even with this present girlfriend, all we do is kiss and hug -- that's all.

Now I am finding it hard to accept her. The society we live in also knows about her past, which doesn't bother me much. What society and relatives tell me is to forget her. But I still do love her. However, I am finding it hard to trust her as before. The night she confessed to me I was so much in pain and broken hearted, I just read the Bible and all I knew was God forgave all kinds of sinners through His Son, Jesus Christ. That's why I could forgive her and still be with her. But at times I am unable to comprehend what God really wants for me (rather for us). She tells me she did all those in past because she trusted those guys and that she didn't know much about God's words and that she still regrets it. I still feel that there is hope with her.

Please help me out. Please. I have many things to say, but for now I will conclude with this. Thank you.


Answer:

The question you need to address is whether she has changed. Her first experience with sex was planned since she was taking birth control bills. The second guy was also a choice. Thus, the question is what changed between guy number two and you? People do change. That is what Christianity is all about. "And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God" (I Corinthians 6:11). However, there is a reason for the change.

God doesn't directly choose your mate for you. He teaches us how to make good choices, but He leaves the actual choice up to each person. Will marrying her make you a better Christian? Will you be able to trust her?

It bothers me that she avoids taking responsibility for her bad choices. She blames the guys and her ignorance. It would have been better if she simply said, "I made some really bad choices in my past that I don't want to repeat." "The soul who sins shall die. The son shall not bear the guilt of the father, nor the father bear the guilt of the son. The righteousness of the righteous shall be upon himself, and the wickedness of the wicked shall be upon himself" (Ezekiel 18:20). Perhaps she does see it this way and it wasn't relayed in your note.

God forgives, but it is based on the sinner giving up his sin (Ezekiel 18:21-23). Too often people offer forgiveness with any mention of the person changing.

What I would suggest is, if you think she has changed, continue dating her and look for evidence of the change in her life. But if she tries to pull you into bed with her or she leaves you for someone else, then you know the change wasn't real.

Dear Jeffrey,

Thank you so much for the mail. I am really thankful to God for being able to share with you my deepest concerns. God bless you abundantly sir.

Yes, she does tell me she regrets what she has done in the past and when I ask her about her past in order to know details of her past (I might sound selfish in this but the reason is I want to share with her, even her sadness & sorrows) she tells me it was hard for her to face the reality and move on in life and now having found me, she says she is indeed very happy and cannot be more thankful. She also told me to please give her a chance and that I don't judge her by her past and that she is trying to become a true Christian and not disappoint me.

I do strongly believe that our love for each other is true and we want Christ to be the center of our love. I really love her. At the end of the day what I tell her is: If it is God's will we will sure be soulmates. Love surpasses all, that is what I believe and I hope and pray that God speaks to her too the same way.

Warmest regards