Question:

Hello,

I am currently going through a crisis for which I need your advice. I am man with two kids from two different women. I dated one girl for two years and am engaged to her. But later, because of her decision to stop having sex with me, I decided to date another girl and then she became pregnant. I love the first one but never disclosed to her the second child I have. Now I don't know what to do. What would be your advice? Do I need to marry the one I engaged or the pregnant one? I have sinned and I need help to repent and live right.


Answer:

I agree that you need to change. You've been living a selfish life of sin and it appears that only because your sins have caused you to make a difficult decision have you realized you are wrong.

First off, regardless of whether you marry one of these women or neither of them, what has to change is your sexual behavior. "Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge" (Hebrews 13:4). You must give up having sex until you are married.

Second, regardless whether you marry one of these women or neither of them, you are responsible for the children you brought into the world. It is your responsibility to see that they are cared for and raised properly.

Whoever you decide to marry must know about the children you already have because your time and money will be going in part to each of them. That impacts the woman's life and your family's life. Therefore, she needs to know in advance what she is getting into. Who you marry isn't just your decision. The woman has equal say and it needs to be an informed decision.

You already made a promise to the first woman, and you indicate that you would rather marry her. Therefore, tell her that you don't deserve her, but you would like to marry her. Then inform her of your sin and its consequence. Leave the decision up to her.

I suppose that if she turns you down, you can ask the other woman and see what she says. Though I find it sad that you hint that you only used her for sex and did not care about her.

I am bless to have heard from you regarding your advice on the matters I raised. I love it and it is changing me day by day. Every word you wrote was inspiring to me and I remain blessed.

I have taken necessary steps to ensure that my children do not suffer as long as I live and beyond. I am have made a decision to only have sex inside marriage and on this I promise not to dissapoint myself.

Now my concern is the spirit of lust which has haunted me for over 15 years. I have had this lustful spirit whereby whenever I see a beautiful lady, my hearts pumps and I become restless until I have spoken to the lady. The bad part is that whenever I attempt to ask for love, it comes with no resistance. In many cases because of my interests in women, ladies show themselves up to me and this is why I am in this situation today.

Please, for those men who are normal as I am, what measure must I put in place in order to completely not pay attention to these common temptations? I am even ashamed to discuss this with my pastor at church. What can I do ? Help me.

First, you have to stop looking at women as bed partners. "But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:28). Women are people who need to be treated with respect. Using a woman for your own pleasure is not respectful.

Second, decisions are on what is right or wrong regardless of how you feel at the moment. Sometimes it is difficult, but as a man you have the ability to step aside from your feelings to to make decisions based on your knowledge and reasoning. Since sex before marriage is wrong, it means you don't start down the path that leads to fornication. You avoid looking at things that get you sexually aroused. "I have made a covenant with my eyes; why then should I look upon a young woman?" (Job 31:1). You keep your hands where they belong. "Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman" (I Corinthians 7:1).

Let me recommend reading the first nine chapters of Proverbs. In those chapters there are several discussion about the nature of seduction and its dangers. If you are interested, I'm in the process of writing a study on Proverbs: Proverbs: Practical Advice on Life.

Finally, just because you are tempted, it doesn't mean you have to give it. Just because a woman is willing, it doesn't mean you need to drop your pants. "No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it" (I Corinthians 10:13). You can walk away from it. In fact, you must run from it because the God you serve is more important than your desires at the moment.