Question:

I am a pastor's son, but I got a lady pregnant. I don't know how to face my parents because they always preach against pregnancy before marriage. Moreover I am afraid how the congregation will react to the situation. I have prayed to seek the face of God for forgiveness?.

Please advice me how to go about it because I am a worker in the church and I don't think I can face the shame and reproach.


Answer:

You illustrate well that neither a religious upbringing nor a claim to be religious protects from sin.

I'm positive your parents do not teach against pregnancy before marriage. They should be teaching against sex before marriage.

Having sex without marriage is the word porneia in the original Greek of the New Testament. It is translated as fornication, but many of the newer translations use "sexual immorality" or just plain "immorality" because the translators think "fornication" is too old of a word and not often used. Unfortunately, "sexual immorality" and "immorality" are too vague. They don't capture the meaning of the word well. For a list of sexual terms in the Bible and their meaning, see: Sex.

Now that we understand the meaning of the term, we can see whether it is bad. In this, we'll let God answer:

"Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10).

"Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge" (Hebrews 13:4).

The word "bed" in Hebrews 13:4 is translating the Greek word koite. It literally means "bed" and it is were we get our English word "cot" from, but the Greeks used the word the same we say "Jack was sleeping was Jane." You know that Jack and Jane were having sex. By the way, we get the English word "coitus" from this same word. "Coitus" is the act of intercourse.

Now this should lead to the question of why God said it is wrong. God doesn't make arbitrary rules. The laws He gives are there to make life better. Therefore, there are things about having sex without marriage that makes life bad. For an answer see:

One of the problems when sex enters a relationship is that it dominates it. Everything revolves around sex and the relationship stops developing. Ultimately the relationship fall apart because sex is not enough to hold it together.

If you understand that you may not have intercourse before marriage, the next question is what about the things done prior to intercourse. Can you do anything so long as intercourse doesn't take place?

The first problem is restraint. Most young people discount too heavily the strength of their sexual instinct. This is why I constantly get notes from people saying, "I didn't mean for it to go this far," or "I don't know what happened," or "It was an accident." Such aren't lame excuses. They are the responses of someone who didn't have a healthy respect for the strength of his sexual instinct.

Solomon points out the problem when he asked, "Can a man take fire to his bosom, and his clothes not be burned?" (Proverbs 6:27). You can show a hot coal all the affection you want. You can cuddle it and dote on it and it will still burn you. Your kindness to it doesn't change its nature. How often do you hear someone say, "But I love her!" Solomon's point is that your feelings toward your girlfriend won't change the fact that both of you have built-in desires and capabilities for sex. Trigger them and they follow the instincts built into you.

Solomon also asked, "Can one walk on hot coals, and his feet not be seared?" (Proverbs 6:28). Using the same example of a hot coal, if you walk on it, it will burn you. You can apologize and say you didn't mean to step on it, but you'll still be hurt because your intentions doesn't change what it is. Thus, the excuse, "But I didn't mean for it to go this far!" becomes an empty one because your intentions doesn't change your body's drive.

That is why Solomon concludes, "So is he who goes in to his neighbor's wife; whoever touches her shall not be innocent" (Proverbs 6:29). Though he is talking directly about adultery, the same point is true about fornication. When you start stirring up sexual feelings, you are never innocent when thing go further than you wanted.

That is why we are told not to make room for lust and lewdness. "Let us walk properly, as in the day, not in revelry and drunkenness, not in lewdness and lust, not in strife and envy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts" (Romans 13:13-14). Lust is those thoughts and desires you keep battling about taking things even further. Lewdness is engaging in sexual foreplay that gets the body ready for intercourse. The Christian must recognize the danger and not start a sequence of events that can't be legitimately completed.

Rules, then, are needed so that you don't start down a sinful path. No touching each other's private areas. No stroking skin to get you or her sexually aroused. No long passionate kisses that leave you out of your mind. You have to treat each other with respect and not as sexual objects. "Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman" (I Corinthians 7:1).

With that comes not talking dirty or showing nude or semi-nude pictures to each other. "But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints; neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. For this you know, that no fornicator, unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not be partakers with them" (Ephesians 5:3-7). You don't stay pure by sexually arousing the other person.

The reason for going through all of this is to point out that you have been only focusing on not getting someone pregnant, but allowing yourself to get involved in all sorts of sins. Those sins have consequences. Your behavior is a reflection on the church you attend and its teachings -- something you have not been upholding.

When a Christian has sinned, he not only asks for forgiveness (I John 1:9), he is also required to repent. Repentance is changing your attitude toward the sins you have been committing, no longer seeing them as acceptable or justifiable, and changing your behavior so that you are determined not to repeat those sins. "For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter" (II Corinthians 7:10-11).

Along with this, you are responsible to the results of your sin. You have a child you must now take care of and see is raised properly. You can't undo the past. "Whoever commits adultery with a woman lacks understanding; he who does so destroys his own soul. Wounds and dishonor he will get, and his reproach will not be wiped away" (Proverbs 6:32-33). You can only do what is right as you continue into the future. Whatever falls out from these sins is just something you will have to face.