Question:

Hi,

I saw one of your answers to a guy who had trouble coming to terms with the fact that his girlfriend is not a virgin. Truth is I have the exact same problem only this time she is not my girlfriend yet, but I am a virgin. I met this girl four years ago, but we were just friends. In those four years, I started to like her and now I love her. I have not asked her to be my girlfriend yet, but we are very close. She had sex with the previous boyfriend and that is really eating me considering I have been saving myself. She really likes me and it's mutual.

What do I do? It makes me angry and very temperamental when I remember that someone else has been there.

Please help.


Answer:

A lot ought to depend on how this woman looks at what happened and not your attitude toward the event. Let me illustrate it in the extreme. If she had been raped, would you still hold the fact that she is not a virgin against her? I would hope the answer would be no. You would see that in the case of rape, she had no control and that she was totally against what happened. It would not matter that she is no longer a virgin.

I would assume that she willingly had sex with her former boyfriend. The important question doesn't revolve around the sin that was done, but what is her current attitude toward that sin. If she repented of the fact that she committed fornication and is totally against it, then she has the right attitude for a Christian. If God can forgive her of her sins, a Christian cannot offer her anything less.

If she doesn't see her past behavior as wrong, then that would be a strong warning sign that she would not make a good wife for someone trying to live faithfully by God's laws. Of course, there are always people who say they have changed and have not, so if you think she has changed and decide to date her, be watchful that she doesn't try to seduce you. If she does, then actions speak louder than words and again you know that she really hasn't changed.

My hope is that she has radically changed from the person she used to be. Don't ask for details about what happened. It is the past, leave it buried under your forgiveness. "Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all sins" (Proverbs 10:12).

Marriage is about what you give to your partner, not about what you are getting. You saved yourself for the one woman whom you love and will marry. That is an immense gift that you and she can both enjoy, so take satisfaction in that fact. Stop being prideful and focusing on what you are taking -- focus on what you are joyfully giving.