Question:

I am in relationship with my girlfriend for about a year, and for about first 10 months she lied to me that she is virgin. She always told me that one who loses their virginity before marriage are sinners.

I started loving her for her thoughts. She is Christian and I am Hindu. We respect each other's religion. But after 10 months she told me that she is not virgin and also she got pregnant for a month and then she aborted. When I asked with whom she lost her virginity, she refused to tell the name and she told me "I don't want that you make any contact with that person". (It seems that she is defending him.)

I was in shock when I came to know all that, and I wondered why is she not telling me the name? Later she told me that she had sex several times with that person. I was in depression and when I used to ask any question about her past she just says 'Its better for you that you leave me," and "It's normal to have sex." (How can she change so much?) She compares me with every person, she even compared me with her ex-boyfriend.

She also admitted that she is in love with her cousin at same time and also they kissed. When I was quite disappointed for the fact she said "Its better for you that you leave me, I am in love with my cousin and I don't regret it. If he has kissed me it's because he loves me" She says this even though she is aware of the fact that he has many girlfriends and is also a flirt.

Still I accepted her because she is my first and true love, I really can't leave her. She always hurts me, she never cared about my feelings, yet she says that she loves me. Her love is only in 'I Love You'. She never appreciated me to this point. I saved her every little words or whatever small writings or drawing she made for me. I made a poem for her (it took me several days to write), but she deleted it after reading. I wrote the poem on a paper and send the picture to her because at present we are far apart. When I said I was sad about it, she told me that its better to break up because I am too dramatic. I often fell into tears by the way she hurts me or by the way she asks for break up, and she tells me in return "It's so gay." But when her cousin cried for her, it flattered her. If I cry, then it's gay, but if her cousin cries, then it good?

We are somehow together, but she is hurting me very much, she always manipulative and threatens me to break up at every stage, but I can't leave her. I really love her. But what can I do? She talks of other guys and when she see that I am becoming jealous she tells me to break up again. She says, "I can't stop to have male friends because of you. It's better that you leave me."

What should I do? It is so painful!


Answer:

Let's look at the facts. You have a girlfriend who:

  • Lies to you, when lying is contrary to the teachings of the religion she claims to follow. "Do not lie to one another, since you have put off the old man with his deeds" (Colossians 3:9).
  • She had killed an innocent life because it wasn't convenient for her. "These six things the LORD hates, Yes, seven are an abomination to Him: A proud look, A lying tongue, Hands that shed innocent blood, ..." (Proverbs 6:16-17).
  • She claims that fornication is normal, contrary to her religion. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10).
  • She admits that she is two-timing you; thus, she is not faithful in her love for you.
  • She shows no respect for you; something that won't change you you two got married. "Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband" (Ephesians 5:33).

My I point out that it is not true that you love her. You love what you imagine she might be or might become. But you don't like who she is, which is why you are conflicted. If your best friend were dating a woman like this, would you tell him to hang on, or encourage him to see that this woman is not wife material? I am certain it would be the latter.

What I can't figure out is why she expects you to leave and not call off this relationship herself. Clearly she is trying to force you to be the one who decides to end the friendship, but I don't see what is motivating her.

You thought you found a good woman to be your future wife. But as you got to know her better, you are realizing that she has too many flaws to make you a good wife. Don't try to force this to work. It may be hard, but count yourself fortunate to learn these things before you made a permanent commitment to her. It is time to let this go and begin a search for a better woman.