I am 22, a student, and a Christian. I was raised in a very good Christian home. Somewhere along the line, I lost focus and fell into sexual sin. I have fornicated several times with about eight men. Since then, I feel too ashamed to go before Christ again. I have asked for forgiveness several times, but memories of my past life keep reflecting on my face. Sometime ago I felt so bad that I nearly committed suicide but for God's intervention I couldn't.
I still can't figure out how to get back on my feet again. It happened that I had sex with my fiancé several times. Even though we are planning to get married, I don't know how God is going to take the fact that I am marrying someone I have already slept with. I cry secretly every day. I want to feel free and be a happy Christian as I used to be. I have had enough of the world. I just want to be myself again.
Please I need help.
"Therefore, since Christ suffered for us in the flesh, arm yourselves also with the same mind, for he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, that he no longer should live the rest of his time in the flesh for the lusts of men, but for the will of God. For we have spent enough of our past lifetime in doing the will of the Gentiles -- when we walked in lewdness, lusts, drunkenness, revelries, drinking parties, and abominable idolatries" (I Peter 4:1-3).
You have been trying to live life in both camps at the same time and it just doesn't work. You can't be involved in sin and be a follower of Christ at the same time (I Corinthians 6:9-10). Therefore, the first step to getting back to Christ is to no longer make allowances for sin. You have to radically change both your attitude toward sin and your behavior. "For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter" (II Corinthians 7:10-11). The change has to be so radical that someone meeting you five years from now would never guess that you used to be sexually promiscuous.
The greatest difficulty will be with your fiancé. I gather that he doesn't have the attitude about sex and doesn't see that what you and he did as being wrong. If this is so, he isn't going to be happy with you deciding not to have sex any more until you two are married. Likely he will try to seduce you. He might even get mad if you don't give in. The decision you have to make is whether following Christ or letting your boyfriend use your body for sin is more important to you. I hope you will put Christ first and that will require a firm resolve on your part.
If you and your boyfriend can't wait that long, then move up the marriage date. "But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am; but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion" (I Corinthians 7:8-9).
God sees all sins as equally wrong. Men have a tendency to rate some sins as worse than others. Under the Old Law, God required that if a couple had committed fornication, then they had to get married (if the girl's father approved) and as a penalty, they gave up all rights to a divorce. (Exodus 22:16-17; Deuteronomy 22:28-29). God demands that you give up your sins, but He doesn't hold a person's forgiven sins against them.