My wife and I have grown distant over the years because she has had many anger issues, substance abuse problems, and trouble with the law. We have several beautiful children and have been married for almost 20 years. Even though she committed adultery on me several years ago, I still love her. I recently have re-dedicated my life back to Jesus to learn how to forgive many of the things she has done to me.
My question is that is it ungodly or against God's word to lust after my own wife? I don't think about other women, just her. She is still very pretty and, although we are hardly together as much as we used to many years ago, I still think about her in a sexual way a lot. I often wonder if that is wrong for me to do that unless we are actually having sex as husband and wife. I keep reading passages about sexual offenses in the Bible where you will not inherit the kingdom of God, and I don't want my mind and thoughts to be wrong in God's eyes to ruin my salvation or have it taken away, I guess, if she continues to ignore me while dealing with her own issues as well. I don't know how a man is supposed to go 3 or 4 months without being sexual with his wife because she is irritable and angry, without thinking such thoughts.
Though technically "lust" means a very strong desire, both in the Bible and in English, "lust" is almost always used in terms of strongly desiring something that is sinful or unlawful. A husband's desire is supposed to be for his wife. "Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; And always be enraptured with her love" (Proverbs 5:18-19). "Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband" (I Corinthians 7:2). Therefore, to sexually desire your wife is both right and expected.
I'm sorry that your wife is having a hard time. The best thing that you can do is when you are able to have sex is to focus on making it as enjoyable for her as you can. Perhaps she will desire it more often.