Question:

Good day,

Thanks a lot for all the help you offer through this web site. I met a girl in the area where I currently work. We live in the same building and we belong to the same group. We have been very close for the past six months and a lot of people even think we are in a relationship. She told me two nights ago that she likes me and that she would want us to start a relationship.

I like her a lot because we have a lot in common, but I'm not ready for a relationship yet. My challenge is that I could have gone ahead with the relationship but she is not a member of the church of Christ and I have always wanted to marry a sister. She is short and I prefer tall girls. She is three years older than me. It's going to cause a serious stir in my family if it leads to marriage because of our cultural view. And she is not so good intellectually. I didn't tell her all these directly, but she has an idea what is really on my mind.

I could ignore all these points when I'm ready to get into a relationship, but she is not taking it well because I'm the first man she has really loved. She has only been in one relationship and she's still a virgin. She left him because he cheats, lies a lot and not serious about the things of God. I come from a family with various marriage problems, so I want to be ready for it. Also I have some self-esteem issues that I have not been able to completely overcome. I can't get into a relationship with doubts in my mind, but I really like her. She is around the age where girls are desperate to get married and that part scares me.

I hope I have been able to communicate my point properly and I know this is less of a spiritual matter, but just give me any advice you can because I sometimes think I'm just being scared of commitment.


Answer:

Some of your criteria for a wife are important, but others are not that important. For example, both her height and her age are not critical for a successful marriage. That you are looking for devoted Christian is an important point because you should be thinking about the influence your wife will have over your children, as well as over yourself.

The fact that she dumped her past boyfriend because he wasn't moral is a good indication of her character. Have you talked to her about the Bible? Have you asked her to attend church services with you? Even if you two decide that marriage is not what you want, you should have an interest in seeing her become a part of God's people. The difficult part is teaching her the truth. She might decide to convert only to please you and not to please God. Make it clear that you would like her to learn about the church because you consider her a good friend.

If she asks about dating, be honest with her and tell her you do not think you are ready at this time because you have some personal issues that you want to resolve first.

I know you are not totally afraid of commitment. After all, you committed your life to Christ.

Thanks a lot for your reply.

She has come with me to a Sunday worship before, and she was OK with it. She asked me a few questions after that day and I answered her.

I think I will do as you suggested because instead of waiting for a lady who is a sister. It will be better if I put more effort in converting her. It is, however, not going to be easy for her to change because her dad insists that all his children must go to the same church as long as they are living under him, and she respects and fears her dad. I will speak to her more and ensure also that the relationship is off the table for now, so that she can make her decision well.