Question:

Hello Sir,

I am 23. I met a girl about a year before we entered college. She was a believer, which was what attracted me to talk with her, as my dad was ungodly and my mom tried hard to bring me to Christ. Thus, I was never exposed to powerful messages or deeper knowledge about the Bible in the past. After talking to her, I started acquiring more knowledge about Christ, and it continued for about a year. We gradually started talking about other problems we had and other general issues. One day she told me that she loved me as a friend. Things didn't change much. We prayed together on the phone and went to church together. One day, we met after being separated a long time. She came running to me and hugged me saying she missed me. From then, I started to feel maybe she was the one chosen for me.

We then started meeting in a lonely place and talked more. She usually lies on my shoulder. This progressed with me telling her on the phone, "Imagine that you are on my shoulder," when she was in troubled times. She started telling her secrets to me gradually. We were happy, went shopping together, and days went by. One day I asked her whether I can marry her. She said she was scared to commit and asked me to talk to her father once our studies were over. From then whenever we have little fights, she used to say I won't marry you, if you continue to be like this.

After about one year, she was hugging me once again. I didn't know what happened. We kissed each other. We felt guilty about it and stopped talking about it for a while. We repented together in our prayers. But the desire progressed in both of us. We gradually started having sexual talks through phone. After about three years, we started having Skype chats and gradually we started removing our clothes over Skype. We repented and felt guilty, but this happened about 8 or 9 times. Then we took a strong desire not to stay involved in such activities. We supported each other. There were no secrets between us. We both shared cards. We could both feel the love within us growing. I told her I loved her a thousand times, and she told me that she loves me equally. At times she asked me to marry her and I would say let us wait until our courses were over. By about fourth year, our friends came to know about us, and her parents too, that we were close. They were spiritual and told her, let Lord God give you the knowledge of choosing your spouse.

Things went smoothly until again we fell into sin by Skyping. This time we hated ourselves for doing this. We passed our final year with a joint effort, and our love continued to grow. She used to call me spineless as I used to be emotional at times. During our internship, we had 4-5 chances of being together during our duties at night, and yet again we sinned by getting partially naked and slept hugging each other the whole night. We still feel guilty about that.

During our internship, we came across various people. One of our seniors told her that marrying a man who is less spiritual than her would lead to bitterness. Some started insisting she would get a better person than me. But she told some of our close common friends that she will surely marry me but would only give her consent to me after I talked to her Dad. Suddenly one day, during the end of our internship, she came to me saying, "Don't have false hopes for me." By the last two months, she started saying she won't marry me. When I asked what happened, she told me that she wants a person who will lead her to Christ and not follow her. She also gave our sexual desires as another reason. She said that she can't live with a person who didn't have self control.

Six months have gone by now. We are preparing for our post-graduation on the opposite ends of the state. She calls me and talks with me for hours acting as if she has no love for me. But I have lots of built up desires. I want to marry her. I pray daily to God for our sins and my desire to marry her. What should I do now?

Sorry for this big story. Please reply.


Answer:

The decision to marry is a joint one. If she has lost interest in you, you can try to persuade her to change her mind again, but you can't force her.

Yes, you both sinned. You both failed the commands in Ephesians 5:3-7 and in I Corinthians 7:1. The fact that she accuses you of lacking restraint when she is equally guilty is sad. "Therefore you are inexcusable, O man, whoever you are who judge, for in whatever you judge another you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things" (Romans 2:1). The weakness that she condemns in you is present in herself as well.

I will grant that it is possible that she believes she is putting your love to the test. If you think she is bluffing, you could ask her father for her hand in marriage and see what results. But it is also possible that she is deluding herself into thinking she is better than you, despite the evidence to the contrary.

Still, I would caution you to consider that she might have decided not to marry you. If that is the case, though you know she is making a big mistake, you will need to move on to find someone else.

Thank you for replying, sir. I will try my best to persuade her, if God allows me to do. Or I will move on. I came to know about this web site only through her because she sent me a link for a question and answer regarding "Dating" in this web site and told me that all her reasons are well explained. I will let you know what happens in my life.