Question:

My wife and I have been together for a long time. We dated for five years before marriage. I am thinking of withholding sex from her permanently because I feel dirty every time we have sex. I keep feeling dirty after having sex with my wife because she slept with one guy before she dated me. I feel that my marriage bed is dirty and the only way to emotionally protect myself is to withhold sex. What makes the situation and the dirty feelings worse is that her ex-boyfriend is very overweight and ugly now. It makes me sick to think that this ugly guy is the blueprint for her attraction to lose her virginity to. I take care of myself, stay in shape, look young for my age, and better looking according to surveys I've taken. I feel she doesn't deserve someone good looking like me anymore. I've been naked and sexually intimate (oral, fingering, etc.) with eight girls before I dated my wife. I never had intercourse and I feel dirty because my wife has had intercourse therefore is sexually worse than me. Should I withhold sex because of my wife's sexual past to emotionally protect myself?

I thank Jesus for holy people like you every day!


Answer:

Allow me to restate the facts:

  • Before you dated the woman you eventually married, you were sexually involved with eight girls. While you didn't have intercourse, you did commit fornication (oral sex is still a form of sex) and you committed acts of lewdness and lust. "Let us walk properly, as in the day, not in revelry and drunkenness, not in lewdness and lust, not in strife and envy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts" (Romans 13:13-14).
  • Your wife, before dating you, had committed fornication with her previous boyfriend.
  • These facts were known to both of you; yet you dated for five years and then had been married for a number of years.

After all these years, you have decided to change your behavior. Despite your claim, it is clear that it is not because of the past that you are changing. You are merely using the past as justification for your decision.

A part of being married is a duty to provide sex. "Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control" (I Corinthians 7:2-5). What you are proposing to do is a direct violation of God's command. What you propose to do will put both of you at increased risk for temptation to sin sexually.

Sex within marriage is never "dirty." "Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge" (Hebrews 13:4).

The rest of your arguments are from a selfish and conceited point of view. "Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing" (Proverbs 31:30). When has attractiveness ever been a criteria for whether a person should have sex with his spouse?

Love is about serving the other person. "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her" (Ephesians 5:25). Where is your love for your wife?

Hi,

My wife was not a virgin when she married me because she had sexual intercourse with her ex-boyfriend. What she did is worse than me and she is dirty. I was supposed to be her first and I feel like I got a defective person. I can't love a defective person. Since my wife is dirty for having intercourse outside of marriage, she brings all of the ex-boyfriend's presence, love for him, and his bodily fluids into our marriage. Am I wrong for thinking this way?

You are overlooking the fact that you weren't a virgin when you married either. True, you didn't put your penis in some girl's vagina, but you were involved in sexual acts with multiple girls. "Therefore you are inexcusable, O man, whoever you are who judge, for in whatever you judge another you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things" (Romans 2:1).

As I pointed out, you knew about her sexual past before you decided to marry her. You've had sex with her in the past and it didn't bother you -- at least not at first. You stated you can't love a defective person, you are demonstrating spiritual defects and I suspect that your wife still loves you despite them being there. What you are falsely claiming is that when people make mistakes in the past, they can never repent -- change their attitude and behavior regarding those mistakes. Your way of thinking is wrong because it doesn't allow for growth and improvement. Instead, your way of thinking consumes you with bitterness. "Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them" (Colossians 3:19).

I have decided to speak to a lawyer about divorce. I thank you for your help! I feel like I got ripped off when God sent me a woman who had already had intercourse with another man. I can't live with the shame anymore. She said she regrets having sex with another man and repents but that is not good enough and will never be good enough. She should have Never made the mistake in the first place. She reaps what she sows.

"And this is the second thing you do: You cover the altar of the LORD with tears, with weeping and crying; so He does not regard the offering anymore, nor receive it with goodwill from your hands. Yet you say, "For what reason?" Because the LORD has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously; yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant. But did He not make them one, having a remnant of the Spirit? And why one? He seeks godly offspring. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth. "For the LORD God of Israel says that He hates divorce, for it covers one's garment with violence," says the LORD of hosts. "Therefore take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously"" (Malachi 2:13-16).