Question:

I came across this site as I was browsing the web looking for answers and a way out of my mess. I am a 28 year old male. I am currently studying for a master's degree and out of a job. I have being in relationship with this girl since 2012. We agreed to be faithful to each other, and hopefully get married when the time is right. Then I got a job that took me out of town, and she started sleeping with this guy who eventually got her pregnant last year. She went to him thinking he will marry her, but the guy disappointed her. Before she even knew she is pregnant I found out she was seeing this other guy and promptly told her I am ending the relationship. She said she was sorry and told a lie about how she was going mend her ways.

When the guy denied the pregnancy, she brought it to me hoping she would confuse me into accepting it. I did not and when she asked for money to abort it, I told her I am against abortion. She went ahead and did it.

We stopped speaking for some time. Last fall my lust would not let me alone, so I called her. We started again. Subsequently she quit the other guy. Honestly, I am not sure between the two who actually ended it. She claimed she ended it because she chose me. One thing led to another, and she is now pregnant by me. For her the only out of this is for me to marry her, but I can't because I can't trust her again. I have asked her to keep it and that I will take full responsibility, but she is threatening to abort it if I won't marry her.

I need to do the right thing here and as soon as possible before it gets too late.


Answer:

The problem really began several years ago, when you decided to have sex with this woman without getting married to her. "Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge" (Hebrews 13:4). Even after the break up, you had a chance to turn your life around, but instead you didn't simply because you wanted to have sex again. You knew she was having sex with another guy at the time, but you were willing to have sex with her as well. You had already decided that you weren't going to marry her, but that didn't stop you from using her for your own personal pleasure.

"Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10).

Every act of sex carries with it a chance that a child will be conceived. That is one reason God requires that sex only takes place in marriage. That she is pregnant is not surprising.

While your behavior has been horrible and selfish, her behavior has been equally bad. She has been having sex with multiple guys, has killed one of her children, and is threatening to kill her current child to force you into marrying her. This is the type of woman Solomon repeatedly warned guys against in Proverbs. "This is the way of an adulterous woman: She eats and wipes her mouth, And says, "I have done no wickedness"" (Proverbs 30:20). The likelihood is that if you marry her, she will be committing adultery when she thinks she can get away with it.

First off, you are responsible for the child you conceived with her. Either give the child up for adoption, be prepared to be a single dad, or be prepared to financially support her raising your child for the next twenty years or so. Under no circumstances pay her to kill the child. Make it clear to her that because she threatens to kill your child, you cannot marry her.

Second, in this particular case I think it would be a mistake to marry this woman. She is not the type of woman who would make a good wife.

Third, you need to radically change your life. You've been living for yourself and ignoring God. Stop having sex until you get married. Find a godly woman, who makes you a better man, to marry. Since you have been having sex with a promiscuous woman, you need to have yourself thoroughly checked for sexually transmitted diseases.

If she chooses to kill her child, you sadly can't stop her. Understand this wouldn't have been an issue if you had followed God's laws and kept your pants on. But in every way you can, make sure she understands that you will take care of the child.

Meanwhile, the real issue is changing you. If you want a faithful wife, you don't find one among women who have sex with men they are not married to.

Thank you for your prompt response. May our good God continue to light your path in Jesus name.

I will do as you said. However, I think I did not paint a complete picture of the girl. You see when she broke up with the other guy and apologized, it was not immediate, but I think eventually she started feeling deeply sorry for what she did. I tried to call it off, but she wouldn't let me. She would always remind me that she had changed and that it is not fair.

The issue here is that I can't bring myself to forgive her and to start trusting her again. Moreover, this morning she finally agreed to carry the pregnancy to fruition and see where we go from there. The thing is I think I owe her just a little bit more than just taking responsibility for the child. We live in a different society from yours. Once she goes along with this pregnancy there is a big possibility that nobody will find her good enough to marry. Here marriage is everything to a girl.

Thank you. May God continue to bless you in Jesus name, amen.

Whether you should forgive her is not a choice you are given as a Christian. Forgiveness is a command we must all obey. "Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to you, saying, 'I repent,' you shall forgive him" (Luke 17:3-4). Your salvation depends on you willingness to forgive. "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses" (Matthew 6:14-15).

Whether you decide to marry her is a separate question. The question you need to consider is whether you think she has given up having sex outside of marriage. That will be a difficult question to answer since you are equally guilty of the same sin. That she has given up trying to use the threat of murder to force a marriage is a good sign.

If the two of you are willing to live by Christ's laws and stop having sex until you are married, then I agree that because you used this woman to satisfy your lust means you have a greater obligation. Under the Law of Moses, a man who did as you did would face: "If a man finds a young woman who is a virgin, who is not betrothed, and he seizes her and lies with her, and they are found out, then the man who lay with her shall give to the young woman's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife because he has humbled her; he shall not be permitted to divorce her all his days" (Deuteronomy 22:28-29). We don't live under that law, but it does set a logical standard. If you like this woman enough to have sex with her, you ought to consider marrying her. It is something worthy of consideration if you both have turned from your sins.