Question:

I just read your article, Can a man divorce his wife for not having sex with him? I am a reborn child of God and married. We have children together. We haven't had sexual relations since my smallest kid. I refuse because:

  1. We had, and still have, a lot of problems together with bad arguments, fights, and bad words. A year ago God changed me. I don't make myself angry, and I have peace. It's just so long of a story. Where can I start from? But he hasn't changed. I mean it has gotten better because I try always to be calm, so it doesn't get so worse. But from time to time he gets angry and reminds me of my past mistakes. He shouts in front of kids all day. Most days we are OK, but once or twice a month it is bad. I am fed up with it!
  2. When we had sex, it was always very quick -- maybe 5 minutes. You understand?

So now we are like this for so many years and it's not nice for either of us. I suppose we are together for the kids. I hope you can give me a solution, but I feel better already writing you. I don't want to live anymore with him, but I don't do anything about it because I don't know if I can divorce him. God knows my situation, but I don't get an answer. I know if it's His will to stay with him, I stay, but I don't know if I am doing the right thing. Maybe things will get worse? If you can help me, please.

God bless


Answer:

I would also recommend a more recent answer as well: How can I convince my husband that marriage is not about sex?

I understand that it is hard to feel loving toward a man whom you fight with, but as you noted the fighting has become rarer, but you continue to hold a grudge against your husband. Likely if he felt that his wife loved him, many of these remaining arguments would also disappear.

Love isn't about a feeling. Feelings come from love, but love is a choice you make. "Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails" (I Corinthians 13:4-8). Notice that a person needs patience with someone who is irritating. You need kindness with someone who is not kind in return.

In regards to divorce, there is no reason to leave your husband. Most of your unhappiness is of your own doing. Jesus only mentions divorce because of fornication by a spouse (Matthew 19:9). Divorce in general is discouraged. "Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife" (I Corinthians 7:10-11). Personal unhappiness is not a reason to break your marriage vows before God.

In regards to your sexual relationship, likely your husband was never taught how to use sex to make his wife happy. "When a man has taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war or be charged with any business; he shall be free at home one year, and bring happiness to his wife whom he has taken" (Deuteronomy 24:5). Either you can start encouraging him to take time in sex or ask him to find an older man to talk to him about it. But not doing it at all is doing neither of you any good.

"Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control" (I Corinthians 7:2-5).

Put your religion into practice.

Thank you so much. This really helped me 100%. I feel I have courage again to save my marriage. It's so kind of you that you give time for me. Let the mighty God of Israel bless your ministry, you and your beloved ones. I pray for you.