Question:

I would like thank you forthis site. It has helped me not only to see the light but understand some aspects of marriage and what I want and need. This is my story and I hope you share it because it is true, and I am sure that many people may have to go through a situation like this.

  • Today I learned from you that I need to put God first in my life!
  • Today I learned that I need to not have any contact with this woman until she is not married.
  • Today I learned that if we do ever start a relationship that it will be built around God, and we will work toward a relationship that is right.
  • Today I learned that I have found a new outlet for life's issues through La Vista Church of Christ!

Thank You!

About seven years ago I met a beautiful woman, whom I thought had an amazing smile and just pure energy. She also believed in God and that was an even greater attraction. We worked by each other for many years and our friendship grew into much more. I was invited to go on vacation with her and her friends; her husband did not attend. They have struggled for many years to get along, and we only saw each other when she could "get away" but on a friendship level. On this trip we spent a great deal of time together and, yes, the temptation was there, but we never crossed the line. I told her that I would only be with her if she filed for a divorce, and I would even help her through it. That was a statement that I will regret to this day for the fact that she has to do it for herself which you helped me understand that.

Her husband, she states, makes a lot of money. It has come down to support and custody of their child. The divorce is within 90 days. Her husband and her have grown apart, but they do have a child, who is an awesome kid.

Last fall she came to me and stated the she was going to file, and that she was mine. I told her that I was hers and we flew off the cuff and the rest is great memories. Her attorney told her that she had to move backin their house and "coexist." Recently as she had been staying with her parents and me. Recently the shoe dropped. She told me that he was trying to win her back and promised her a trip with him and their son to see her ailing grandmother. She agreed as she stated that she did not have the money to go and wanted to. I told her in front of her family and it seemed her family agreed with me that this was not a good idea. It was volatile given the circumstances.One night she was with our family, but then she wanted to go to Mass at her church and come back to our house in which her mother and father were celebrating with us. Well, the husband, of course, was upset and they fought, I'm sure, all night long. The next day I spent at her parents' house and we exchanged gifts and had a nice dinner. Her father then told me that she was planning to go to another state. He did not think it was a good idea, and that her husband was driving them. My heart sunk and at this moment I started to look a the big picture. First, she was making deals with her husband, who she is getting ready to divorce and that made no sense, but she stated that he offered the trip to her. Her husband seems to be playing her weak points such as using this trip as a way to save the marriage and also using the child against her as well.

At this point I told her that she is not doing what a separated and or a person who is wanting a divorce should be doing. Her attorney also told her to buy a tape recorder and record his verbal abuse and she has not. She stated that she was not going on this trip and she did end up going.

The morning that she left she called me to tell me that she loved me and to have a great day. I told her very firmly that she should contact her attorney and tell her what she is about to do. She should also tell her husband that she wants out, and if she does not want out then she needs to work on the marriage as it seems she is not interested in working toward a divorce if she is not consulting her attorney on these things.

I have broken pretty much every rule about dating a married woman, building a relationship without her being legally separated. Meeting all of her family including her child and finally pressuring her to tell her husband that she does not want to be married and leading him on with her actions by accepting his gifts.

Of course she immediately stopped contacting me. I am glad but very sad and heartbroken. I know that it is for the best. I also foresee her trying to contact me later on in life as she really is a great friend and I do work by her.

Any direction or advice you may give would be helpful.

Thank you and God bless


Answer:

There are only two reasons a woman who was married would be eligible to marry again: One is because her husband died (Romans 7:2-3), the other is because she divorced her husband because he was having sex with another woman (Matthew 19:9). Even if a woman got divorced for any other reason, she cannot marry another person by God's law. "Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife" (I Corinthians 7:10-11). From all that you said about this woman, she would not, by God's law have the right to marry you. If that marriage had taken place, you would have been in adultery. "But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery" (Matthew 5:32).

The truth is that you had been committing adultery with a married woman. You were having sex with her while she remained married. Thus, it is she who is the guilty party in destroying her marriage -- not her husband. Throughout your sin, her husband is the one who acted honorably in trying to rescue not only his marriage but also his wife from sin. As you noted, you were actively encouraging her to destroy her marriage. Even if she was legally separated, you still had no right to her.

You need to repent of your sins (II Corinthians 7:10-11), telling God you were wrong (I John 1:9). Stop dating women who have no right to marriage and then you'll find happiness.

Well, I accept your response and will be in church this Sunday. Thank you for your answers!