Question:

Hi,

I'm in my early twenties and my fiance is in his late twenties. We have been together for almost two years and have been living together for roughly the same amount of time. We were quick to get involved and take big steps that I am now facing the consequences for.

From the beginning of our relationship I was hostile and angry toward him: using curse words and saying hurtful things to him. I also got upset with him for some of the simplest things and for things I was also guilty of. There were a few times when I hit him, and once I shoved him in public. I constantly apologized for the things I did and said, but at the same time I felt as if I wore out what it really meant to be sorry, as I continued to make the same mistakes. I even sought counselling for this, and I remember the counselor asked me if I loved my boyfriend. This question as always stuck with me. I answered yes, but in my mind I didn't know if I did, and even now I'm unsure because my words and actions are not resonant of love. I still don't understand how my boyfriend went through all of that with me and still decided to stay.

Last January, I found out that my boyfriend had been telling me lies and flirting with other women via text and social media. This happened for a long while. He apologized and assured me he will do better, but rebutted that it was all "fun and games" for him saying every man does it and I should know that he loves me and is not trying to hurt me. He also said that it was because of my behavior as to why he did it. We went to counselling for this also, but it didn't help much.

He suggested that we go back to church, since we had stopped going to church a few years before we met, and I agreed to go back. He was baptized as a teenager; I never was, but I have been going to church since childhood. A few months after going back, I got baptized, and I suggested that we stop fornicating. He agreed but thereafter, he began to get annoyed that I wasn't doing anything and refused to masturbate him and vice versa. There were times we would engage in foreplay and he would scoff sometimes when I talked about being obedient to Jesus Christ. There were times I became so weak to the flesh, gave in and was ridden with guilt, but he was happy and thankful because he got his release. He says we share a connection and it's only right to express it, but I disagree.

I had broke up with him briefly because I found out on his phone that he had spent the night at another girl's house. Out of anger and rebellion I started talking with this other guy a few days after, we went to a park and the moment we hugged, I knew I was not behaving or thinking wisely, so I told him we should work on building a friendship instead. I went home for the holiday and didn't have much contact with my boyfriend unless it was necessary. He came to my house apologizing and explaining that he went there but nothing happened and he was just chatting with her and her relatives. He asked that I re-think the situation, and he asked me to marry him. Initially I told him I couldn't, but I would think about it. That same day I told him about the guy I had met. He became angry and was about to walk out, but I explained and asked him to work on forgiving me. I even reminded him of the parable of the taxpayer. I also ceased communication with the other guy because I realized it may just interfere with the rebuilding of this relationship, and I didn't want that.

My fiance and I began fornicating again but the guilt also surfaced. I realized how far away from Christ I have drifted. I even stopped going to church, but I'm working on making things right. I have started reading the Bible again and praying every day. I have also told my fiance I want to wait until we get married not matter. I am no longer abusive to him, but I still don't feel as if I love him because there are times I argue with him over silly things and say things in an annoying manner to him. Sometimes I become so depressed. I know he loves me, I know it's a choice to love someone, and I want to make that choice. I want to learn how to love him, I want to get closer to Jesus Christ because he loved us first.

I know this message is very long. I am so sorry but I just need the perspective of a person on the outside, just by reading my story. What is your advice to me or us? What do you suggest?


Answer:

"Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10).

It appears to me that you and he live a life of pretense. You pretend to be Christians while flagrantly disobeying the Lord. You got baptized without ever repenting of your sins (Acts 2:38). Even when you tried to straighten up, it was only a pretense because you neither got married nor did you move out. You reduced the frequency of one sin while continuing others. You also pretend to be married without being married. You act as if there is a commitment between the two of you when you made no vows. You call each other fiance, when you haven't decided to get married.

You're correct: your words do not match your actions.

Now you are wanting love when you haven't been building a loving relationship (see Love is Different).

Until you marry this man, you need to move out. No more sexual touching (I Corinthians 7:1), no more lust and lewd behavior (Romans 13:13-14), and no more fornication (Hebrews 13:4). Either you build a loving relationship that is not based on sin (I Corinthians 13:4-8), or you go your separate ways. My concern is that he doesn't sound like he is interested in being faithful to God.

How is it that you can say I never repented of my sins, and that I'm pretending to be married? I think that was rather unfair of you to say.

Thanks for your reply and your time.

I'm merely going by what you said. You were living in fornication with a man. You went to get baptized, but you continued to live with the man and having sex with him (Hebrews 13:4). Repentance means a change in mind and behavior in regards to sin. You did neither in regards to your fornication prior to your baptism.

You live with a man as if you are married, but you are not. You talk as if there is commitment between the two of you, but there is no marriage vow.