Question:

I was in a 12 year relationship with a man, who first of all, I now realize that we started off wrong. He had gotten a girl pregnant when I met him. His excuse was "I don’t have a girlfriend, but I’m in a situation." He was up front and explained that although this was the case, he will not walk off from his responsibilities as a man. I don’t know why, but that actually turned me on to him -- the fact that he was up front, didn’t try to hide it or lie, but now when looking back, that was the first red flag.

We got together, and the baby mama drama started. She would do things to purposely hurt him, or us. She would use the child, or the lack of something, cursing both of us out. I couldn’t deal with it, so I would put him out over it because I didn’t want drama brought to my life.

We started cohabitating (shacking up). When she would do things, I would put him out for a week. He would beg me to come back and I took him back. This went on three during our 12 years. There were other issues like any relationship; but the main thing was that outside of shacking, he really was a good man to me in that he helped me financially, and physically, being there to help cook and with the kids, etc. The one thing that was missing most was marriage and living right before God. I felt convicted in my spirit the whole time, but held on because I didn’t want to be alone, and he was good to me in all the other ways.

We did talk about marriage and that was the second red flag. He would make excuses. One week I had been looking at this situation, and I felt that God was telling me in my spirit, it’s either me or him. There are a lot of sins in the world to commit, but I felt that God was telling me it’s time to choose to live right before me, your kids and yourself, or go to hell for fornicating and shackingup. I also felt that I deserved to be a wife and not a lifetime girlfriend. I was getting older, and he was holding me back, so I could either keep on waiting or end it and trust what God may have in store for me. I told him he was free to leave, I told him why, he said nothing and left.

It's been a year, and I am not resting in my spirit about the decision I made. I know it was right in God’s eyes, but I ended it, he didn’t. I need a husband, not a lifetime shack up partner or boyfriend. I have prayed for God to fix this between us. So far, he says he doesn’t have a girlfriend and he isn’t looking for one. I haven’t physically seen him with anyone or anyone being at his house, but I heard rumors. He says you can't believe everything you hear, but I know from some of his family members that this women has been around him. How do I get peace, move on to see if God will grant my wish for a husband, or if he will fix it between us? What do I need to do at this moment?

Thanks.


Answer:

The problem is that you are wanting God to fix up a problem that you created by ignoring His teachings. That the man you lived with had gotten a girl pregnant does show that his desire to live a moral life is questionable. His honesty and his desire to be responsible for the mess he created is a good trait. I would have told you to date for a while and if it seems like he had changed to marry him if you wanted.

Instead, you and he repeated his sin. He saw it different because he liked you, but it really wasn't any different. That was the real red flag. You were willing to turn your back on God for a man in your bed who took care of you. You didn't do a thing about your sin for twelve years. Yes, he saw no need to marry you because he got everything he wanted without a commitment.

Long after the fact, you insisted on a commitment and he decided it was easier to find another woman who didn't care about having a husband. You can't change who this man is. He has been a consistent sinner for longer than you've known him.

I suspect that you thought that by throwing him out of the house and insisting on a marriage he would change, but he didn't. Now that it has been a year, you are doubting whether you made the right decision. But I want you to notice something. While in general you said you did this because this was right thing to do, underneath it all, you did this because you decided you wanted to force him to marry you. In a sense, God's Laws were a convenient reason for getting what you wanted. You still put you first and God second. Now that you didn't get what you wanted, you are basically blaming God for not changing him and you are toying with the idea of letting the guy back in before someone else takes him.

God's ways are always best for people in the long run. Until you get to the point of wanting to follow God because it is right and not caring if doing so makes your life a bit harder, you will always doubt God. You and I can't make this guy do what is right. You told him you would like to be his wife. He declined. It would seem to be time to move on and this time do things in the way God teaches.