Question:

Hi,

I'm 22. I've been having a hard time because my boyfriend broke up with me for apparently no valid reason. We are both Christians. We almost had sex, we didn't go all the way, but there was a lot of physical contact. It was wrong, and we both knew it. We talked about it, and he was going to breakup with me at first because he said it wasn't right for us to continue together after what had happened. I told him we should talk to our pastors for advice and help, and so we did. Things seemed to get better after that, we had no physical contact besides the clean and normal kisses and hugs. We kept on going to counseling and praying, and the relationship got so much better. He was at his best and so was I.

A couple of months after that, we stopped going to counseling and things started to get dirty again. The result of that was us drifting apart and a couple of months later he broke up with me.

We were each others first boyfriend and girlfriend. We had no clue on how a relationship worked, but we tried. We had horrible and stupid advice from friends and really good ones from our parents and pastors.

I attended an all singles Christian conference about a month ago, and that pastor said that couples who commit any kind of sexual immorality before marriage, will not work out. Is that true? But doesn't God forgive you and erase your sins and make all things new?

I still have feelings for my ex. I spoke to him and asked him to forgive me and told him I forgave him as well, such as the Bible says should be done. It's not easy at all! I have to remind myself forgiveness is a decision and not a feeling.

Did I lose great guy? Is it possible God took us apart to work individually with us and then get us back together?

I'll be waiting for your response.

 


Answer:

I can see why your boyfriend broke up. He didn't trust himself with you and I suspect that he didn't trust that you wouldn't push him where he didn't want to go. In other words, he values his relationship with Christ and he doesn't want to jeopardize it in any way.

You want the same thing in theory, but in action you did not display any restraint. You got involved in sexual talk (Ephesians 5:3-7), sexual touching (I Corinthians 7:1), lust, and lewd behavior (Romans 13:13-14). You wanted a second chance, got it, but then broke the boundaries again. He broke up to stay pure. That you say it wasn't a valid reason concerns me because it was a very valid reason.

To say that a marriage cannot work out when a couple gets involved in fornication is painting the situation with too broad of a brush. A couple who are involved in sexual sins before marriage have a harder time making their marriage work. Much of it is because they become so focused on sexual matters that they don't spend enough time becoming each others best friend and companion. The physical feelings constantly overwhelm the relationship. It can be overcome with a lot of effort -- effort that most couples don't bother with.

God tells you how to have a proper relationship with a boy, but He doesn't make you do what is right. When you sin, He forgives, but He doesn't change the consequences of your sins.

You can't continue pining for what could have been. I don't know if you lost a great guy or not. It is admirable that he places righteous above sex. What you can do is improve yourself. You need to become a stronger Christian, one who does not compromise her morals over emotions. It needs to become a part of you and not just something you only listen to when it is being constantly brought to your attention.