Question:

It's been three years since we started dating. It all began because we had sex. We are trying to do the right thing by dating and getting married one day, so that we would remain each others first. We couldn't stop the sexual sin. Now we have broken up. I feel like I am in love with him, but he says he has moved on after a month, so I gave up trying to get him back. I don't know if what I am feeling is love or sexual attraction. Since he has moved on, I also want to move on and stay pure until marriage, that is if I am lucky enough to have someone who will take me as I am. I also fear for him because in a conversation we had he told me he slept with another girl to get over me.


Answer:

You started out badly in this relationship. It was based on fornication and not companionship. The result is that it fell apart because sex alone is never enough to keep two people together. See Marriage's Glue for more.

You thought you could repair your sin by getting married, but you proceded to delay getting married. It is understandable because you had no foundation from which to build a marriage, but notice that you gave yourselves excuses to continue commit fornication because you planned to marry one day -- a day that never came in part because there was no motivation to push toward marriage.

He got bored and moved on to having sex with other girls. That should tell you something. He never saw fornication as being wrong (Hebrews 13:4). You might have felt some guilt over what happened, but he never felt the same way regardless of what he might have said. To him love is only a physical relationship.

I'm glad you've matured and realize that sex is not a way to a good marriage. You need a man who loves you for who you are as a person. I hope your former boyfriend repents of his sin, but until he comes to a realization that he is in sin, you are better off finding a real man to be your husband.

I feel I need to say everything from the beginning, otherwise I won't be getting the advice I need.

My ex-boyfriend and I were classmates in high school. I had a crush on him, but we were not friends. After school we went to the same college and in the second year we actualy became friends. All this while the attraction I felt for him was still there. As time went on he confided in me about his past relationships and girls he onced liked.

Suddenly he became hostile so I decided to move on and be with another friend of ours who was interested. I did stuff with that guy and I never regreted them because we didn't go all the way, even though he asked for more.

Eventually the guy I liked started being nice again, so one thing led to the other and we had sex. I felt so bad about myself I decided to avoid him. Later he called me and told me that he was a virgin and since I was his first we should keep it that way and date until we marry. Some how we couldn't stop the sex, so I asked for a breakup several times because of the guilt.

The first few times he begged me. Later on he found out about the other guy. He was hurt, yet we continued to date and falling more into fornication. He told me that if he knew his friend was interested we would not have dated. Eventually I became upset about this sin, and he told me he would stop asking for sex. We stopped for some months, but it didn't last and we started again.

I did several things that made him loose trust in me, like going to sleep in another guy's room even though nothing happened. He was upset and felt he could not trust me to take care of myself or tell the truth. He was a brillant student but since the start of the relationship his grades fell. He told me it was because I was giving him too much trouble.

Sometime last year he cheated on me with another girl, but I forgave him. This year he asked for a breakup but because of my birthday we stayed together until a month ago. He went into my Facebook account and realized I still had contact with the other guy. I had told him about the other guy's attempt to be friends, but he was still upset and asked for a breakup. I agreed because I was upset he didn't trust me.

When I asked for advice I was told I didn't act right since my ex had made it clear he was uncomfortable. Now I am sad we've broken up. I wanted to make things right since he was my first, but he says he doesn't love me anymore. Should I move on or keep praying for the best? I know my actions fall short of someone who says she is a Christian, but I really do regret what I did, so much so that I confided in my mum about what I did. She has been praying for me but has advised that I move on, but I can't seem to. I need help.

You act as if you had some type of commitment. You never did. Being friends is not an excuse for sex, nor did the fact that he was committing fornication with you mean he had an obligation not to sin with others. Sin isn't exclusive and pretending otherwise isn't going to help you. You proved it by continuing to involve other guys in your life. He proved it by having sex with other girls.

That you were each others first partner in sin doesn't create any obligations either.

If you want someone as a lifetime partner, you have to get married first, then have sex. You each wanted and still want a companion to solve your loneliness, but both of you were unwilling to invest time in becoming best friends and instead thought to force the issue by physical means, which never works. God doesn't approve of sin (James 1:13). To ask Him to bring you two back together would be foolish since all that would happen is you would go back to committing fornication.

There are reasons for God's laws. You ignored them and the obvious problems resulted. Start living like the Christian you claim to be and perhaps you'll be able to find a good man for a husband.

It is relieving to be able to tell someone the whole the truth and even more refreshing to hear a candid opinion. Thank you very much. I will do well to abide by God's principles for all aspects of my life.