Question:

Hello.

I am a member of the church of Christ. How can I tell my boyfriend of two years that I'm aware he has a drug addiction without pushing him away or over the edge? I don't fear being alone but fear that if I'm not in his life, he will really turn in the wrong direction. I also don't want to be his crutch and hinder him either. I don't live a lifestyle that should even make him feel comfortable to do drugs.

I know he is using based on the company he keeps, and I know for certain they are using from something I've witnessed. My boyfriend he feels he doesn't have a problem and that is hard to deal with in itself because he is a carnal-minded person. He thinks he knows everything about God.

I don't want to block his blessing or lessen in his path by being pushy, but I love him. I know his potentional, and I just want him to become baptized and obedient. I'm afraid because of his ways and how sometimes he is unable to rationalize normal day-to-day behavior. When I met him years ago he definitely was this type of person. I just want to help him and not compromise my faith at the same time.

Any suggestions on what to say or do?

By the way, there is no father in the picture or male role model that could shed light on his behavior. I have invited him to church. He has come. I also watched a DVD referencing the church of Christ called "Why are there so many churches?" He still chooses to go to his mom's church when she asks, which is not a church of Christ. I'm so confused.


Answer:

You are in love with a young man based on what he could become in the future, but you don't like who he is. In other words your feelings for him is based on your imagination and not on the reality of the situation.

You tell me he is carnal-minded. I assume by that you mean he talks about sex a lot and is pushing to have sex with you. He is a drug addict and hangs out with other drug addicts. He thinks he is keeping it hidden, so he also lies. He comes to church with you once in a while, mostly because you insist; however, he does believe much about what the Bible says because he thinks he already knows what the truth is. Despite the sins in his life, he is convinced that there is no reason that he needs to change. On top of all this, he hasn't really changed in the last two years. If anything, he has gotten worse. At times he acts irrationally.

"Do not be deceived: "Bad company corrupts good morals"" (I Corinthians 15:33).

Hanging on to a relationship because you believe you are the only thing slowing down his self-destruction is not a good reason for staying with him. You can't make anyone do what is right. You can only encourage righteous behavior and that doesn't appear to be working.

Getting closely wrapped up in this type of person will only draw you after him. If he is to get out, he has to want to get out. If he continues to get worse, it will be because he chose this -- it will not be your fault. "The soul who sins shall die. The son shall not bear the guilt of the father, nor the father bear the guilt of the son. The righteousness of the righteous shall be upon himself, and the wickedness of the wicked shall be upon himself" (Ezekiel 18:20).

What I suggest is that you stop looking at him as potential husband material. Be concerned about him, be kind to him, but don't treat him as a boyfriend -- not unless and until he makes major changes in his life. When he misbehaves, appears to be high, or is acting irrationally, tell him to leave until he is sober and willing to behave himself. If you accept him while high, then he has no motivation to stop using drugs. Tell him that you like him, but that you are not interested in a worldly drug addict who pretends to be a Christian as a husband.

That is one of the hard facts when dealing with a druggie. You want to help, but in helping you often simply enable the druggie to continue because you dampen the consequences of his actions. The hard part is letting him fall so he will let go of the drugs and other sins in his life.

I would love to help him get off drugs, but without a willingness to face the fact that he is a drug addict and a desire on his part to change, I know I can't help him. You can't help him either, as harsh as that sounds.

Meanwhile, don't you dare consider yourself tied down to him. Keep looking for a good man to be your husband, such men need gentle and caring women, as you seem to be, for their wives.

Thank you for your time. I will take your advice. God bless you.