Question:

Hello,

I really wanted your opinion on my relationship. My boyfriend and I had dated for almost two years. He broke up with me about a week ago. I am devastated. I always thought that he and I could get through anything. I admit we argued a lot, mostly on my account, but this was my first real relationship, my first love. I know I did things wrong, and I realize now where I could have made better choices. He says there is hope that we can get back together. We may or may not get back together. He says he feels our relationship became toxic with all the arguing and neither one of uswas happy. Although I pleaded with him to reconsider, he says he doesn't want a relationship anymore at least right now.

I’ve read most of the questions on your web site relating to this topic, so I will put all the information out there. We were both sexually active and he goes to a church of Christ. He taught me about the church, and I was even baptized by his father. At first we tried to refrain from being sexual, but we both gave in. I had sex with him the night we broke up and twice after that in hopes it would bring him back to me, but we all know that doesn't work. I feel very lost and confused because he says he loves me, that he’s still in love with me, but he still chose to break up with me. I am devastated. He says he knows that he’s going to regret leaving me, that I was the best girlfriend he had ever had, and he knows no one will love him as much as I have.

I admit to arguing over petty things, but I also sometimes felt like he wasn't giving his all. He didn't want to tell his parents we were dating because they were against him dating while he’s still in college and so were my parents, but I felt so strongly and I told my parents anyway. I went through so much with my family, especially the relationship with my father was forever changed after that. He never told his parents. He is 24 and I am 22. I want so bad to have him back in my life, and I don't know what to do or how to move on. In fact I don't want to move on. He is the only man I want. We shared so much together and we had promised each other we wouldn't give up. He did. I am distraught and worried that I will never get him back.

Please your guidance will be greatly appreciated.


Answer:

I find your situation difficult because while I know you are hurting, you are looking at what is going on so completely wrong that you are missing what is happening.

First off, regardless of what this man claims, he is not a faithful Christian. He might go to a church, but he is not living the life of a Christian. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10). So, we start out with the fact that we are dealing with a hypocrite (someone who is putting on an act), which means he is dishonest to some extent.

I don't know why he refused to admit to his parents that he was dating you. My best guess is that he was trying to hide the fact that he was committing fornication from his parents, though I can see the possibility of worse motivations. However, that one fact is telling. It demonstrated that he never saw this as a long term relationship that would lead up to marriage.

You are correct that having sex with a man does not bind him to you. But notice again the type of character he displays. Even after he broke up with you, he was quite willing to have sex with you multiple times. This too demonstrates that to him (like too many guys) sex is something you do and it doesn't matter what you think about the other person. He took advantage of your desperation.

The problems were not just with him. You were a willing participant in fornication. And that sin needs to be rectified with God (I John 1:8-2:1).

In regards to the relationship you realize that you were arguing too much. I don't know whether you realize this after the fact or during the relationship, but I want you to think about the reason. Most people argue when they try to make another person do as they want and the other person doesn't agree. It is a way of forcing things to go your way. I can see this also when you tried to change his mind about leaving you by offering him sex. It also shows in your pleading with him to do as you want. In a subtle way, you also didn't respect him as a person -- just as he didn't show you respect.

Notice how you did the opposite of what you said you wanted. You wanted this relationship, but what person is going to stay with someone who argues all the time, even about things that really don't matter? You wanted a long term relationship, but instead of building it up, you went the cheap route of sex. Sex then became the one reason to get together and the actual relationship between you and him did not grow. Because he was getting free sex, there was no reason for him to take the relationship further. He had everything he wanted for the time being, until he got tired of the arguments that came with his access to sex.

I was talking with someone just last night about an interesting human tendency. If you sell something at a very low price, people don't value it. But offer the same thing at a high price and people look at it in a different light. Sometimes you can make more money by selling less for a higher price because of this.

You did this to yourself. You sold yourself cheaply and so your value went down in your boyfriend's eyes.

I don't know if you and he will get back together or not. At the moment, I don't think it would be a good thing. He has to resolve a lot of issues regarding sin in his life. You too have take care of your problems. What I suggest is that after you make your life right with God, that you start treating yourself with more respect. You are too valuable of a person to be some man's plaything. If a man wishes to date you, he needs to show kindness and respect for you. If he wants to have sex, then he has to commit his life to you first through marriage. He has to prove himself faithful so that you can put your faith in him.

Thank you so much you really have given me a lot to think about. But if you don't mind I'm not sure if what I'm about to say is just a way of me excusing his behavior, but he was more afraid to tell his parents because he was afraid they would kick him out or that they would prohibit him from seeing me. I met his parents and they liked me, but I was introduced as a friend. I was OK with this because he promised he would tell then when he graduated. I'm so confused because I truly believe he loves me, and now I'm beginning to question if any part of my relationship was real. We shared great moments together, non-sexual ones. What I miss most is the companionship because he's my best friend. We've done a lot for each other. I just can't simply believe he didn't truly care for me.

If his parents kicked him out, it would be because he was committing fornication, not because he had a girlfriend. In that they would be justified because he's done just about everything he can to hide his sin.

The claim that he would tell them when he graduated again doesn't show a man who regrets his sin. He demonstrates that money means more to him than being righteous.

I don't doubt that he liked you, but neither one of you had truly reached the point of love -- at least not love in the biblical term. Read through I Corinthians 13:4-8 and honestly tell me if you demonstrated all these points to him and that he demonstrated these points to you. I already know the answer is "no," but you need to see the situation more clearly. You took the strength of your emotions as evidence that love existed, but love is more than emotion.

If he was your best friend, then are you saying that you treat your best friend so poorly as to argue with them all the time over petty issues?

I'm not saying that he didn't care for you or doesn't still care for you. What I'm trying to help you see is that neither one of you cared for each other enough to be in love. There was a lot of potential there, but it was wasted because you both got sidetracked by sin.