I am born again and have been upholding purity and faithfulness to God. I did not have any dealings with men because I told myself I was waiting for the guy that God has destined for me. I would stick to that and really serve God to the fullest. I lead praise and worship in my church.
I met this born again but warm married man. We just started off as friends, and we ended up being close to each other. We would send each other very many text messages and call each other as well. At first all was well until he started sexual talk. My curiosity led me to keep asking him many questions. He began by caressing me, though I would ask him to stop it. After a while I started enjoying his touches and even if he touched me I would just say no, but indeed I wanted more. It continued and I started becoming spiritually weak and missed out on fellowships, prayers and Bible studies. Eventually, I gave into his acts. We've done many things while naked but never had sex.
After everything I would feel very guilty and would really cry and ask God to forgive me. I said I would never repeat it but I would always find myself in that compromising situation again. Then on Sunday I would lead the worship. For those four months we were "together," we did these naked activities four times. It came a time that I said I have to end everything since I knew I was spiritually dead and this has never been the kind of life I have ever desired at any point of my life.
Recently I re-dedicated my life back to Christ though I usually feel very guilty of what I did in the past. I told that man never to communicate to me. I have ignored his calls and messages but after only a month I have started talking to him, though it's just plain talk. At times I get flashes of those times, though I quickly dismiss the thought.
I really need help on what to do. None of my friends know about this since I have never disclosed it to anyone. I wanted to tell my mum, but I felt ashamed. I sense that she feels something is bothering me, but I still have not opened up. I was thinking of seeing one of the elderly ladies in the church for advice, but I was embarrassed. I guess that this is a sin I have to get out of with God's help alone. Am I doing the right thing by keeping quiet? I am also afraid of speaking up since I know in such cases one has to step down from any kind of leadership. At one time I wanted to step down but my team is confident in me and I am afraid of the questions that would follow since our team is not big. I would easily be noticed, if I failed going to the pulpit for one Sunday. I had started my journey in the right direction and slowly going back to the strong person I used to be. Then this man suddenly comes my way again and I told him that I don't want his friendship, but he insists on talking to me, and I am still talking to him though on a light note.
You need to stop playing at being a Christian and start getting serious about what following Christ really means.
You knew from the start that this man was bad news. You knew he was a married man, but you struck up a friendship with him, which I'm sure did not involve his wife. You call him a Christian but he clearly is also a hypocrite (a fake) as well. Since when does a faithful Christian man pursues an adulterous relationship? "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10). Instead of walking away, you got romantically involved with him and then sexually involved. Though you haven't had intercourse with him, you know that this is what he is aiming for and it is where this relationship is heading. You've already have been involved in lust and acts of lewdness with him. "Let us walk properly, as in the day, not in revelry and drunkenness, not in lewdness and lust, not in strife and envy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts" (Romans 13:13-14).
You talk as if you have no choice, but you have been making the wrong choices all along because you put your personal feelings over what God says. You've chosen to sin and help a man destroy his marriage. You claim to uphold purity and faithfulness to God while living a life that does nothing of the sort.
In many ways you ignore the teachings of God. Even though God said, "Let your women keep silent in the churches, for they are not permitted to speak; but they are to be submissive, as the law also says. And if they want to learn something, let them ask their own husbands at home; for it is shameful for women to speak in church. Or did the word of God come originally from you? Or was it you only that it reached? If anyone thinks himself to be a prophet or spiritual, let him acknowledge that the things which I write to you are the commandments of the Lord" (I Corinthians 14:34-37), you have taken on a leadership role in violation to God's command. "But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet" (I Timothy 2:12).
It is really about your pride. You are continuing in sin and trying to hide it because you don't want to lose your position. Thus, you have become a hypocrite.
My advice is to change your phone number and have no more discussions with this man. In addition you need to leave this group that only pretends to follow God and learn from God's Word what He truly wants from His followers and then follow Him for real. "But why do you call Me 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do the things which I say?" (Luke 6:46). It won't be as showy. It won't be an ego boast. But it will be true worship of God.