I have been dealing with a medical condition and going through a lot since the year 2006; even prior to the year 2006. First and foremost I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son Of God; that's what I want to believe. I was baptized several years ago. Currently I no longer attend church. I've always had a rebellious demeanor within me, even as a child. I want to do things my way, but I do realize that "my way" inevitably fails time after time; again and again. I know that I'm wrong but I still want to do it my way. I'm fully aware that I'm sinning against God and that doesn't make me happy. I'm trying to have it both ways but I know deep in my heart that it's God's way or no way at all. One morning while lying in bed I was thinking about how difficult my life is and before I knew it, I looked towards the ceiling and yelled at God "I hate You!" Let me make this perfectly clear; I don't want to "hate" God nor do I want to be God's enemy. I know that God wants what's best for me. I'm having such a difficult time submitting to God's Will. There's like a tug-of-war going on inside of me.
I honestly believe that if I were to die right now, I'd go straight to hell; although there is a small amount of hope still left inside of me that I won't? I don't want to hate God, I don't want to be God's enemy; so much has happened in my life that I don't know who I am anymore. Honestly, even my prayers I believe are an abomination to God. My prayers don't make it past the ceiling, of this I'm most definitely certain! In spite of it all, I still believe that God is an awesome God; that He's wonderful, beautiful, holy, magnificient, good, merciful, righteous; He's God. I'm very confused, tired and lost; completely lost. I have no idea what to do anymore.
You make it sound as if you have no choice, which is false. Yes, if you want a better life, you are going to have to deny yourself and submit to God. When God gives the truth and the best way to live, there is no other alternative that gives you a better life. See Denying Oneself. The only thing that is missing is making a real commitment.