Question:

Hello,

I am 24 years of age. I have been in a very serious relationship for over three years. We have had so many challenging times, but somehow we always pulled through. My boyfriend and I got engaged about a year ago. We are Christians, and he is such a good spiritual leader to me.

Earlier this year was a disaster in our lives. For reasons, I felt he was not giving me attention because he is starting up a new company, so there was pressure. I asked him several times, and he blamed it on the company, which I realized was taking so much of his time.

A few months ago, somehow, I got very close to my best friend's fiance and about a month ago, I slept with him. I regretted this act and afterward I cut off with the guy and asked that he stop calling me. I didn't confess my sins to my boyfriend, but a few weeks after the incidence he found out, and he is deeply hurt and disappointed. I feel really bad first as a Christian, then to my fiance who has put all on the line for me, and then to my friend. I have apologized to him, but he is threatening to cancel the marriage plans.

Please, my question is: 1) Can he forgive me? 2) Can I somehow restore our relationship? By this I mean should I give him time to cease hurting and hope he comes back to me? 3) Is it advisable we go on with our marriage plan? Our wedding date is just few months away.

Please help me! I am losing my mind. I love this person so much and I know he loves me. I just need someone to talk to.

Thank you.


Answer:

If the situation were reversed and you found out that your fiance was not just working late but also having sex with a co-worker, how would you feel? Would you be eager to continue your wedding plans or would you want to step back and sort through both your feelings and what you now know.

Of course, he is deeply hurt! Can a person forgive such sin? Of course. It is required. "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses" (Matthew 6:14-15). But will he marry you? That is a totally different question.

The problem is that this is far more than just sex. You demonstrated that you have a major character flaw that needs to be corrected before you would make someone a suitable wife.

First, look at your stated motivation: you didn't think you were getting enough attention, so you sought it elsewhere. I'm hoping by "attention" that you are not meaning sex, but given the world today, I would not be surprised if you did mean this.

Second, you said that there was pressure, which indicates that you think that your were pressured into finding companionship elsewhere. This is simply a false statement, but it hints at a person reluctant to accept responsibility for her decisions, especially her bad decisions.

Next, you picked a man who was already committed to marry your best friend. Perhaps you thought it was safer, you didn't say and I don't know, but as an outside observer I can state that it is never good to find companionship with the opposite sex when you are committed to someone else. It doesn't look good and the potential problems is very high. This is not just an indictment against you, he is equally responsible for failing his fiance. However, what does this say about a woman's moral standards when she is willing to have sex with her best friend's fiance? Somewhere there is severe problems in her standards.

To your credit, you did put a stop to it before you were discovered. That tells me you do have a conscience and that you do want to do what is right. But I think by know you'll agree that your fiance's considers and considerations are justified.

I don't know what he'll decide. However, we can talk about what you need to do. "For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter" (II Corinthians 7:10-11). You are going to have to change the way you think about what you perceive to be slights. You are going to have to realize that you are not the center of your world. And you are going to have to accept responsibility for your decisions.

What you did has changed your future relationships. You probably lost your best friend, especially if she decides to marry her fiance anyway. You may or may not lose your fiance. Much will depend on whether he believes whether you've changed or not. These decisions are ones others will make, which are out of your control. All you can do for the moment is be prepared to live with the result because both are a result of your decision to commit fornication and decisions like that cannot be reversed.

So tell your fiance that while you love him and still wish to be his wife, you admit that this affair was your fault and that you'll respect his decision and not hold it against him if he decides not to marry you.

Good day,

I wrote to you sometime ago about my relationship, concerning my fiance and how I slept with my best friend's husband. It really was a very bad time for me; in fact, the worst I have had all my life.

You wrote back to me so many things. I have come to learn and hold on to what you said. As I quote you: "I can state that it is never good to find companionship with the opposite sex when you are committed to someone else. It doesn't look good and the potential problems are very high." I am holding on to this, and I will always apply it to every area of my life. You also advised me to tell my fiance: "So tell your fiance that while you love him and still wish to be his wife, you admit that this affair was your fault and that you'll respect his decision and not hold it against him if he decides not to marry you." Which I copied and sent directly to him.

It was difficult, but the summary of the story is that my fiance surprisingly accepted me back. He also encouraged me to send a message to my friend apologizing for what I did to her, which I have done. Less than two weeks ago when we were travelling together, he re-proposed to me at the airport asking me to marry him all over again. I was so happy and full of tears. It was unbelievable. He said to me that he believes I will be a better person. I feel so happy and still ashamed of my sins sometimes. Sometimes I even wonder if I deserve such a loving partner. God somehow just made my life beautiful again.

I have deeply learned to live right and become a better person -- to myself, to God and to the people around me. I have choosen to forget my past and forge ahead and He is standing by me. I am joyful. I just had to share this experience with you as you were the only one I spoke to about this all the while. I appreciate your truthful words of advice. I just had to tell you how it all turned out.

Please send to me any piece of advice you think I should have. I can't wait to come worship at your church soon. I will always write you from time to time.

Thank you so much.

I don't often get to hear how things turn out from the people who ask advice and I appreciate it that you took the time to let me know. God's way is always the best in the long run. As Moses told Israel: "And now, Israel, what does the LORD your God require of you, but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all His ways and to love Him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the commandments of the LORD and His statutes which I command you today for your good?" (I Corinthians 10:12-13). Stay on the strait and narrow, no matter how tempting Satan makes sin to appear.