Question:

I'm 21 and feel very guilty. I had oral sex two nights ago. I did this to avoid losing my virginity. According to what I read in your web site I'm no longer a virgin. I've worked so hard to keep it. I feel so sinful and bad. Please help me overcome these feelings.


Answer:

When a person sins, he ought to feel guilty about the sin. It is people who sin and feel no remorse who are the ones to worry about.

What you did was wrong. It was sinful. Instead of "Flee also youthful lusts" (II Timothy 2:22), you thought that as long as you didn't have intercourse you would not be sinning. No, you are not a virgin because you had an experience with one form of sex. But you also need to realize that this wasn't your only sin.

You also engaged in sexual touching, which is also forbidden to unmarried couples. "Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman" (I Corinthians 7:1).

Solomon points out the problem when he asked, "Can a man take fire to his bosom, and his clothes not be burned?" (Proverbs 6:27). You can show a hot coal all the affection you want. You can cuddle it and dote on it and it will still burn you. Your kindness to it doesn't change its nature. How often do you hear someone say, "But I love her!" Solomon's point is that your feelings toward your friend won't change the fact that both of you have built-in desires and capabilities for sex. Trigger them and they follow the instincts built into you.

Solomon also asked, "Can one walk on hot coals, and his feet not be seared?" (Proverbs 6:28). Using the same example of a hot coal, if you walk on it, it will burn you. You can apologize and say you didn't mean to step on it, but you'll still be hurt because your intentions doesn't change what it is. Thus, the excuse, "But I didn't mean for it to go this far!" becomes an empty one because your intentions doesn't change your body's drive.

That is why Solomon concludes, "So is he who goes in to his neighbor's wife; whoever touches her shall not be innocent" (Proverbs 6:29). Though he is talking directly about adultery, the same point is true about fornication. When you start intentionally stirring up sexual feelings, you are never innocent when thing go further than you wanted.

Another sin that you committed was exposing yourself to a woman. Two unmarried people have no business exposing themselves to each other. The sole purpose of this was to inflame lust in each other. This is why God condemned the Israelites: "Woe to him who gives drink to his neighbor, pressing him to your bottle, even to make him drunk, that you may look on his nakedness!" (Habakkuk 2:15). It shows a lack of respect for the other person because nakedness in front of someone you are not married to is supposed to be embarrassing. Being naked is called shameful by God. "Behold, I am coming as a thief. Blessed is he who watches, and keeps his garments, lest he walk naked and they see his shame" (Revelation 16:15). In the Old Testament God said He would expose Babylon's sins to their shame and He draws the same parallel. "Your nakedness shall be uncovered, yes, your shame will be seen" (Isaiah 47:3). It was such an embarrassment that God used it to illustrate the exposure of sin in a person's life.

That is why we are told not to make room for lust and lewdness. "Let us walk properly, as in the day, not in revelry and drunkenness, not in lewdness and lust, not in strife and envy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts" (Romans 13:13-14). Lust is those thoughts and desires you keep battling about taking things even further than just dropping your pants. Lewdness is engaging in sexual foreplay that gets the body ready for intercourse. The Christian must recognize the danger and not start a sequence of events that can't be legitimately completed.

The problem isn't simply that you allowed someone to give you oral sex. It started long before you even started pulling down your pants. It's been going on for a while in your mental acceptance that it is all right for a couple to engage in sex without being married. "For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lewdness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within and defile a man" (Mark 7:21-23). You focused on one sin (fornication) and ignored the fact that you have been committing other sins for a while now. This didn't just start two days ago. It has been an on going problem.

The first thing is you need to do is change your attitude that caused you to seek out oral sex. That is something I can't guess at, but it is where you need to start. You have to have respect for yourself. You have to see that the only one who deserves your body is the woman who is willing to commit her life to you in marriage. And most importantly, you need to realize that God didn't give arbitrary laws. He gave us instructions to tell us how to best live life. "For this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments. And His commandments are not burdensome" (I John 5:3).

With that change in attitude, you then change your behavior to be consistent with your attitude. "For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter" (II Corinthians 7:10-11). You sinned, so change so radically that people in the future would never guess that you used to be different.

And along with all of this, you need to get right with God. I don't know if you are a real Christian or only think of yourself as a Christian. So take a look at What Must I Do to be Saved? If you are a Christian, then you need to talk with God about your sins and apologize. "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (I John 1:9).

Then when you've changed yourself, it is time to move on to a better future. "Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 3:13-14).

Thank you so much for your advice. I'm looking forward to being a God fearing Christian and following in the footsteps of our Savior Jesus Christ.