Question:

Hello.

I never thought I'd have to do this, I always had my friends or my parents to ask for advice. But now, at this point of my life I'm completely alone, and I have no one to turn to, because none of them will ever understand what I'm going through. You can't understand something that you haven't experienced. And how can I blame them for that?

About a year ago, I met a guy online, on Facebook. I was 15 and he was 19. We started talking and we were really getting along. He lives in a different place, but it didn't seem to matter, at least not that much. He was hurt and lost just like me, he got dumped by his girlfriend and I got rejected by the boy I thought I liked, so we kind of helped each other to get over it. After that we started talking non-stop every day for months. After a while I found myself falling for him, and we started flirting with each other. One day I told him that I love him and he told me that he loves me too. From that day we were trying to get online every day in order to talk. To be honest, it was the best time of my life. But after a while the words weren't enough for me, I was missing him so bad that it hurt. I told him to come and visit me, but he didn't have enough money and I didn't have money either. I was depressed most of the time, knowing that I couldn't have him, and that I had to wait for a few years in order to save money for the trip. When my ex-boyfriend came and asked me out, I said "yes" because I couldn't take it anymore, and I forced myself to go on. He never asked me why, he never got mad at me, he just told me "congratulations for the boyfriend, I'm happy for you." After that, we stopped talking that much. It was a time that we barely said hello to each other. Of course I broke up with my boyfriend, and you have no idea how much I regretted dating him. I can't change the past, though.

One day he told me that he enlisted in the Marine Corp. Some weeks later he left for the basic training. I stayed back, waiting for him to come back. Every day of my life now is a marathon without him. I wrote him letters, but I never got an answer. He's coming back sometime in August for ten days and then he's leaving again. I just feel that I can't take it any more. My whole body hurts without him: I can't eat, I can't sleep. There's just no life without him. I know that I probably should move on and let it go, but I don't want to. It's the first time I meet someone so special, someone whom I love with every single piece of my heart and I don't want to let him slip away. I'm not giving up on him. I just don't know how to handle it. I've promised him that one day we'll meet each other. I've promised myself that I'll make it happen. They say that love demands everything, but my love demands only this: that no matter what happens or how long it takes, he won't forget me.

Thanks.


Answer:

I've thought about this for a while. You are describing a relationship that you are more committed to than he. It sounds to me that he may not even be aware that you've changed your mind about him. Clearly, you've given your heart to him, but give no indication that he is doing the same to you. You are infatuated with him. You've built up a dream of what this relationship might be, but it is not founded on the reality of how it currently is.

It takes two people to make a marriage. Two people who work hard at blending their lives into one. Until he shows interest in you, it is not proper to assume more than what is there. You had a great past friendship, and perhaps a future of growing closer, but you can't force such to happen. It has to develop at its own pace. "I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or by the does of the field, do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases" (Song of Solomon 2:7).

Am I getting my hopes up too high?

This is my second question to you. Your answer was really helpful and I hope that you might help me again. You were right when you told me that in this relationship I was more committed than he. You told me to wait until he shows interest in me, I could not force things to happen. And so I did. So, one day, all of a sudden, I got a letter from him! A letter he had written a whole month ago! This what he wrote to me:

"Sorry, I've been gone for a couple months now. I've been busy here training though trying to make something of myself. I'd be done for a little bit after next month, too. So hopefully we can talk. I really miss the talks we had too. When I get to, I promise you I will make sure we have many more of those. I miss you too and it is bad being here training without you to talk to. But now you have my address and I have yours, so I can write you as much as possible. ... You really think of me that much? I bet I think of you more! Lucky for me I got your letter when I did because I just learned today that I have to tell everyone who writes me to stop sending me letters. But I have today to write you and let you know I got your letter, but sadly I never have time to write much here. So this letter will be short, but I promise when I get home I will get online just to talk to you. Because after reading your letter I believe we have a lot of amazing things to talk about.

This is so sloppy,I'm just in a rush to write you as much as I can, while I can. But before this letter has to end I just want you to know you're the most amazing girl I know. Thank you for writing me that letter. It made my time here so much better and I really wish we could write more, but as I told you I have to tell everyone to stop writing me. But we will talk when I get home I promise!

With much love.

p.s. You know I've felt the same way about you, at least I think I told you that. But I have to get ready for bed I can't wait to talk when we can!"

That was all. That was the saddest and the most beautiful and amazing thing I've ever read. I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know what to do. I've watched every relationship I've ever known crumble to the ground when the foundation was shaken. No one attempts to fix what's broken, they just abandon it. I've watched it happen time after time, even in my own life. It's the reason why I never believed in things like love, marriage, or forever. It was a lie, a work of cinematography and poetic silliness. I'm afraid that I assume more than what is here. I really need your honest opinion.

Thank you.

You received what you didn't dare to hope -- that he hasn't forgotten you. And that he is thrilled that you remembered him while he was alone in boot camp.

As I mentioned before, much of your relationship right now is based on your imagination. You haven't kept in contact. You don't know all that has been going on. But now you do have a chance to start again.

Love and marriage is not the work of movies. Movies have no idea how to portray real love. They use gimmicks, like sex, as cheap, degrading substitutes for what love is really about. Love is something that you let build overtime at its own pace. You don't force it or rush by doing the thing portrayed in movies, such as jumping into bed at the first moment. You build a relationship where you are each others best friend -- to the point that you can't imagine living life without him being there at your side. Sex actually gets in the way of such a relationship building. That is why you've seen other relationships crumble -- they were built without a foundation.

What you have here is very strong interest on both of your parts. So see where it takes you. To him you are a prize to be won, so don't give yourself away cheaply. The "cost" of your love is his commitment to you for life -- a price that I suspect he will be glad to pay as he gets to know you better.