Question:

Hi.

First if all I would like to say this web site rocks and it's the best thing ever. The advice you give comes from your heart and I like it, but it also comes from the Bible and that's just amazing how you use the scriptures to help us. May God bless you.

OK, so my future girlfriend and I have known each other for years, and I had a crush on her. I didn't know until recently she did too but for those years we knew each other it was just cool. I told her how I felt about her, and we started talking even more. I asked her if she was a virgin and sadly her reply was "no." I didn't see that coming at all. Like she's just so perfect. I am kind of upset and a little angry, but I mean people make mistakes. But then I asked her why she did it and she told me. Then I asked her if she regrets it and her answer was: "No, not really. Well, sometimes." That's the really disturbing part. We're both Christians. We met and grew up in church. I didn't know that Christians do things like that! I'm just sad and don't really know what to do anymore. I would forgive her, but I guess she doesn't need forgiveness because she doesn't regret it. I'm really sad because I thought I found a woman that would be the last woman I ever love, but I guess it's too good to be true. So what should I do? I mean should I be upset. Would I ever forget? I don't want to just leave our relationship there. I really love her. She's everything to me. Uhgg


Answer:

This will be a little hard, but I want you to set your emotions aside for a moment and think of this situation as an outsider.

The purpose of dating is to find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. The reason we don't marry someone the first day you meet them is that it takes a while to really know a person well. Worse, we humans have a bad habit of filling in the things we don't know with things we like. We tend to think of people as being better than they actually are, and only over time do we realize we've made mistakes in our judgment.

You learned a fact about this girl that you did not know before. Therefore, the question for you is: What does this tell you about her character?

You are correct that people make mistakes. We have all sinned and sadly sexual sins are getting far too prevalent in our society. So while it is disappointing that she committed fornication, it isn't something unusual. But I want you to realize that this isn't something you can forgive her for because she didn't do anything against you. She didn't harm you. She harmed herself. "Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body" (I Corinthians 6:18). She sinned against God and it is to God she needs to apologize.

But you are correct that there is more here. She doesn't regret what she did. Therefore, she has not repented of this sin. "For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter" (II Corinthians 7:10-11). This is missing from her life.

Now for her own sake, someone needs to help her realize that even when sin feels good, it is still sin. Serving God is far more important than pleasing ourselves. Perhaps you can help her, but realize also that you are strongly involved emotionally, so you might not be the best person to help her.

But for the moment, think about it. Would a woman who commits sexual sins without regret make a good wife? Why?

I know you are upset. You put effort into this relationship. You are emotionally attached to this girl. But tell me, is this something you would want to know in advance of getting married? I think your answer would be "yes." Yet, this is also something that you don't find out until you know someone well. People don't come up to you and say, "Hi! I'm Jane. I've had sex with two boys and I don't regret it." This was something that takes a while to find out and it is important to know.

Along with that, I also want you to realize that this is also a warning sign. She doesn't mind having sex with boys she is not married to. That means you cannot let your guard down when you are around her. You cannot expect her to keep you in check -- worse, she might choose to use your body's desires against you. I don't want you falling into sin.

Thanks so much for your time and your response. It really helps.

My judgment on her is that she is a very special girl -- well, woman. I realized that I am different from most guys in so many ways, and I realized that she is different also. She seems to be someone I can spend the rest of my life with. Actually the only one I think I could spend the rest of my life with. I had stopped looking for love because I thought it would never come and as soon as I gave up there she was. We met in our church and have been friends since. She may not be perfect, but to me she is almost.

Her telling me what she did in the past has shown me that she is honest and trustworthy, but it has also showed me that she believes in premarital sex, and she thinks it's OK. But I do not believe in it, and I want to stay pure until marriage.

I also want to be the person who changes her and helps her realize that what she did was wrong and is a sin even if it affects us. If I truly love her I will help her right? And my only wish and dream and and goal in this life is to save people, so why not start with the woman I love. I'm willing to do anything for her because of the love I have for her.

I know she will make a great wife but only if she changes. We are good together. The only thing is that I'm very shy. We both seem like we would make great partners and we both have the same view on our future. We both want kids but we also both want foster kids so they could have the same life as a normal kid and we have a passion for saving this world.

I still don't understand why she did it, if she knows its wrong. She's a Christian. Shes supposed to know this. The only explanation for her doing this is that she probably fell asleep during our church service the day they were talking about premarital sex, but even though she's still supposed to know it's wrong and it's a sin.

Should I stop trying to become her boyfriend and stay friends? Because its really bothering me thinking that she wasn't all mine and that another guy took away her virginity before I could (if we were to get married). Or am I just being selfish? I mean if I had committed fornication (even though i know i wouldn't have) I would want her to still love me so am I being unfair? And how can I get rid of the thought that she may have a disease or something? I just really care about her and in my life right now, besides God, she is all that I have left.

And I would not ruin my relationship with god no matter how much I love her because my love for God is far greater. Also I'm a pretty weird and shy guy so if anything were to happen my weirdness would and shyness would stop any ideas either of us may have. And again thank you for your time and response.

What I had hoped you would realize is that if a person is convinced that a covenant is not necessary for sex, then the person will see nothing wrong with having sex outside of marriage both before and after marriage. A marriage doesn't change a person's character.

I would like for you to help her learn that fornication is a sin, but I'm also trying to warn you that it isn't likely that she doesn't realize that it is a sin. She chose to do it and she doesn't see it as being wrong. Until she sincerely believes that fornication is wrong (not just saying whatever she thinks will please you), I strongly suggest not getting serious about her. This is the type of woman who causes heartaches because they follow their emotions instead of their heads.

As you stated, "only if she changes." I agree with that, and further, don't compromise on that position.

I don't think virginity is an absolute essential character. I've known many women who regret the mistakes they made in the past and totally changed. Diseases can be tested for and are not a worry unless she happens to have one that isn't curable. It is the attitude toward sin that is a serious issue.

Even if this issue wasn't present, it is never good for a person to isolate himself. You should always be looking to expand the number of people you know. From that ever increasing pool of people, you will find some who are worth having as friends. "Cast your bread upon the waters, For you will find it after many days. Give a serving to seven, and also to eight, For you do not know what evil will be on the earth" (Ecclesiastes 11:1-2). The idea is that a person feeds the fish because later he might need food. In the same way you make friends and help people when you can because later you might need help yourself.

Thank you so much for everything! I will definately have a talk with her and hopefully she realizes what she did and asks God for forgiveness. Hopefully afterward we will become closer, but we both have a little fear of losing each other; that's why we're not really in a relationship yet. Is there anything both of us can do?

"So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God" (Romans 10:17).

For each of you to grow, you need to feed yourselves on God's word. Study various aspects of a Christian's life. There are sections in Ephesians and Colossians which might make a good foundation for discussions about what it means to be a Christian in practical application.

While I don't want you two to rush anything, you have to eventually realize that you can't live life based on fears of what might happen. "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble" (Matthew 6:36).

Yeah, I think I might just slow things down a little. Get to really know her. I have one more question. I'm a very shy guy, and I'm really uncomfortable talking to girls I like. Before, when we were just friends, I was able to talk to her but now it's really wierd. She likes me being all shy and what not, but I know it's bothering her a lot and it's also bothering me. What should I do, so I can have great conversation with her?

My usual suggestion is to study the Song of Solomon since it contains examples of how to treat a woman. See: The Greatest Love Song Written.