Question:

I am from a Christian family. I have been taught God's standards when it comes to sex and wished I wasn't in this position. However, my own sexual desires and naïvety made me loose my virginity to a man I fell in love with last year back in college. He was in a relationship then but was having serious problems with his girlfriend. I felt I had let God, my parents, and myself down. I tried to distance myself from him because of his girlfriend, but we realized that the attraction was very strong. We kept coming back to each other. I then decided to keep thing strictly formal, so I could draw closer to God. That worked for a while but we ended up having sex again. I left where he was and travelled, but he called after a while to tell me he had ended the previous relationship and was willing to start one with me. I accepted to be in the relationship with him because I am in love with him and had  tried everything I know to end this relationship, but it keeps on thriving. I have prayed, fasted, and distanced myself, but I don't know what to do anymore. Besides, he broke my virginity.

I asked my prayer secretary to help me seek God's counsel on this issue. He only came back to tell me I had to build myself in God, if I am to remain sexually pure until marriage. I also asked my pastor what I should do, and he told me God hadn't told him anything, but asked me to keep on seeking the face of the Lord for he will lead me into all truth. 

I am trusting in God, but I am confused because this guy and I connect in ways I haven't connected with anyone before. We finish each others sentences and we have so much in common. He listens to everything I say, I am able to talk to him about my most intimate issues, and he always gives me sound advice. But the ungodly beginning of our relationship makes me afraid we do not have much of a future. I believe that it is God who blesses a couple and gives them the ability to stay together and be happy, so I don't want to do this without God.

Even though he is also a Christian, he has had previous sexual relationships, and he doesn't see anything wrong with a sexual relationship. I am praying he experiences God in ways that will let him come to see God in a different way. I have seen God change some of my close friends who were just like him, and this gives me hope. It is my heartfelt desire that God touches him so I can feel better about this. I am still praying.

I have  a month more before I return to school and meet him again. I need God's guidance by then. I am not afraid to end this relationship, I just need to know if I am doing God's will. What do I do?


Answer:

What both of you did was wrong, not because of feelings, but because you went against what God said. "For this you know, that no fornicator, unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God" (Ephesians 5:5). I hope that you have straighten out this matter of sin with God. "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (I John 1:9).

But notice that this boy is only pretending to be a Christian. You can't be having sex outside of marriage and be a child of God at the same time. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10). It isn't a matter of whether he "experiences God." The question is whether he submits to Jesus as his Lord. "But why do you call Me 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do the things which I say?" (Luke 6:46). It disturbs me that he thinks he have sex without marriage and doesn't see anything wrong with what he does. It ought to disturb you as well as it tells you a lot about his character. "A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Therefore by their fruits you will know them" (Matthew 7:18-20). You need to face a truth, at this moment this boy is not righteous. As he is, he will not make a good husband. He may change, but until then he has issues he needs to deal with.

I suspect, too, that you and he are not using words in the same way. He wants to be in a relationship with you. You agreed while you are not around. But you have to remember that his idea of a relationship means being in bed with you. We've also seen that he doesn't have a problem crawling into other women's beds while claiming to be in relationship with one woman. Yes, I know they were having issues, but they were still together and I think I can rightly assume that they were still having sex, at least periodically, while they were attempting to resolve those issues.

This brings up another issue that is often overlooked. You need to get yourself checked for STD's, just in case. It is better to be safe and know you have none than to find yourself with one later.

The fact that he took advantage of you and was the first boy you had sex with, it doesn't mean that he is the boy you need to marry. It isn't an excuse to continue having sex with him. It was wrong the first time, it was wrong the second time, and remains wrong.

You need to make the terms clear, if he wants to have you in bed, then he has to become a real Christian, he has to radically change his behavior, and he has to marry you. Firmly tell all guys that your body is on reserve for your husband and no other man. Odds are that you are going to find that this guy, once he sees you are serious, is going to chase after easier targets. But since there is a slim possibility that he may actually love you and not just your body, it is worth seeing if he will straighten up.

Thank you. I guess I was trying to avoid haviing to face the issue as it is. I will have a frank straight-to-the-point conversation with him. I trust God to give me the bravery and strength to stand up for my beliefs as a Christian, whatever the situation. I guess losing him is not as bad as losing my relationship with God, which I have come to realize is the most important area of my life. God bless you, and I pray He continues to give you the grace to help Christians like me get back on their feet.